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[desiree294]

Hello there. My name is Desiree and I am a 23 year old female who is new to this site. I have been living with depression and anxiety for about 5/6 years now and just last week I was diagnosed with ptsd. I am having a very hard time trying to live. By this I mean, I cannot get out of bed and go to work so I cannot make money so I cannot pay my bills or do any fun activities. I can't even afford groceries at this point. You see, my therapist discovered that work is my trigger for my ptsd which leads to an anxiety attack that then leads to a depressive episode. This is my third job in the past year that I am about to lose because of my depression and anxiety. I have missed the past two days of work because I woke up in pure panic. My anxiety was so severe I was smashing my head against a wall and ripping the skin off my arms. What bothers me so much is that it is a really good job and I am very good at it but my ptsd/anxiety/ depression are keeping me from even going. I am so scared I'm going to lose my job. I am so scared of my own self because I feel worthless and helpless that I can't function in society like holding a decent job. I feel like this life is so hard to live and I just can't handle it. I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else is triggered by work and how they deal with it. I'm at a really low point in my life right now and I would appreciate any help.

[Kobojunkie]

i am sorry but i don't believe your job is the trigger. If you dig deeper, you may find the real reason why you get anxious. Not saying that you can fix it then but just saying that blaming it on the job sounds really ridiculous to me.

that said, why aren't you taking medication to help you better live your life?

[desiree294 in reply to Kobojunkie]

I'm sorry I forgot to mention medication. For the past 5 years I have been taking medication but it only does so much. I am currently on alprazolam, wellbutrin, and latuda.

[Kobojunkie in reply to desiree294]

medication does not only do so much. There are many options out there. If it is not working for you, it's not the drug but the doctor.

you need to do your own research and figure out what other meds can work for you if you are already on the highest dose it one set and it does not seem to be doing much. There is only one kind of depression that I know is drug resistance, well there is no drug made for it yet. Order than that there is absolutely no reason why you should be on drugs and still be having symptoms.

find a new doctor who will listen to you and help you find the right meds. Not sit tight with a doctor who maybe does not even care that much and believe that there is no hope for you.

[mysmugcat]

Just want to say hi. I was bullied at work. I recently had a bereavement and am not at work. Pm anytime. Thinking of you.

[desiree294 in reply to mysmugcat]

Thank you for your kind words!

[Hidden]

Ive been there... i dreaded going into work. I hated my life and i constantly thought something was wrong with me. (Ill continue but looking back, i feel like i was creating more problems thinking something was wrong with me.) I couldnt hold a job for long... id get excited at first. "This is going to be great " or "this is just what i need " id tell myself and when id start a new job.. id be ok at first. But id always come back to this mindset where i just hated being around other people at work or even doing the job itself.

Alot of times id text my father that i can do this, im going to quit and hed tell me i could do it. I could make it one more day or even to next break. He was there but really didnt understand how i was feeling so it only helped me temporarily.

I want to stress that i was miserable and the doctor was no help to me. I didnt want depression meds. Id ask about anxiety meds but of course they wouldnt give them too me. Plus who wants a pill to be able to function or chill out..

My true saving grace or what broke the cycle. Was taking a easy almost stress free job. I started delivering pizza. I could listen to the radio and smoke cigs while i did it. Wasnt worried about getting fired cus hell ill be at another pizza place that day. I finally found a pizza joint where the people were easy to get along with and the job was cake after all the other jobs i had held.

In addition to just taking this step back in my career (the money wasnt bad so i could get by on it financially.) I stoppes thinking that something was wrong with me. Just because im different doesnt mean something was wrong with me or i was helpless to change.

When i finally thought of myself as not being broken which took me constantly reminding myself. I tried to not let my mind go down that road. Any time id get negative thoughts id go for a walk and day dream of being on stage singing my favorite songs and people cheering for me. Even dumb situations where i was so awesome. Fictitious yes but it would help. Id find some relief and i kept at it. And without the pressure of being the greatest employee ever. I found myself. I started to not constantly think about what people thought of me or if they were talking about me. And in all this i found myself.

Its so hard to help through a post but if you need someone to talk to, im here. Id be glad to just listen and try to snap you out of it. It takes work but i promise once you found what snaps you out of it or changes your mind focus and stick with it. Youll slowly stop. Even when im sad or anxious or have a random negative thought now days it immeadiately leaves me because i know its my cruel mind trying to drag me back into the darkness. I struggled for .. about 7 years with this and ive probably been in this new state for almost a year, year and a half. Youre not the only one thats ever felt this way and there is hope. You can do this.

[desiree294 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Exactly what you're saying is what I needed to hear. I agree completely that I need to change jobs to a stress free, mindless one. I pushed myself too hard and took on a job with a lot of stress and its backfiring. I started out exactly like you said, so hopeful and excited but a few weeks would pass and I would be calling my boyfriend crying saying I can't do it anymore. Then that would lead to severe depression (where I am now) and I start to hate myself.

Your words really resonate with me so thank you very much for your response. It is truly what I needed to hear.

[Hidden in reply to desiree294]

Absolutely, when i read what you said it sounded so much like what i went through and its always nice to know youre not that only one thats ever felt that way and that it wont last forever. Im stepping back into a career in data entry now not going back to a stressful job, they are out there and u can make it on a less stressful job. Im glad i was able to help even a little!

[Hidden]

Theres nothing wrong with you, its just our cruel minds. I know it sounds so silly but once you find a way to stop thinking that way youll see it and wonder how youd ever let your own brain trick you into thinking you have a problem. I swear, i honestly 100% believed i was messes up in the head and the more i thought that the mote it became true.