Newbie

Hi everyone,

I am new to this group, but I decided that something like this may be able with how I have been feeling for quite some time now. I am not diagnosed with anything, mainly because I haven't talked to anyone really about the way I feel. In the past year or so, I feel as if things are getting more intense and it is really frustrating.

It first began when I was about 13 years old when I first started to deal with body issues. I would eat one special K cereal bar a day, workout constantly, and self harm. I was in a depression. I felt empty. The scariest thing was that I could not feel anything. I felt like I was a hollow case, nothing inside. I ended up moving forward from my eating disorder and the self harm, now at age 19. I still do not understand how to eat food in the correct portions and still suffer from body issues, anxiety, and depression.

This got worse when I started college almost 2 years ago now. I have never felt more intense emotions than being in college. I was having such a hard time adjusting to the life of a college student that I almost failed out my first year. I have never felt more anxiety and it always relate back to a particular thing. I am always worried that someone is out to get me. Like there is this person that is trying to harm me. Most of the time I will be fine, but at night I need to check every inch of my room to make sure no one is hiding in here. I check even the silliest places or I cannot go to sleep.

I have contemplated suicide a few times since starting college, and one time it seemed like it could have actually happened. I feel like I am always disappointing people and that I am not good enough. That is the worst of it all. Not feeling good enough. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to realize that I am a failure. I have gained weight this past year that also is not helping this situation. Sometimes I feel okay about my body and realize having a few extra pounds is okay. Other times I listen to my friends who are skinny as can be say things about how they look so "fat." That is when I start to feel horrible because I wonder what they think about me, someone who is so much larger than them.

The last biggest issue I have been dealing with are relationships. I have never had a real boyfriend and people seem to always emphasize how I do not have one. Every time I like someone, they want to be friends or just want to use me. I feel like I get used like a toy for a child to play with until they grow out of it and find a better one that is better suited for them. I feel alone all the time. I don't know how to make friends. I have some but not nearly as many as everyone else I know.

I just realized that this is an extremely long post. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read and listen.

3 Replies

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  • I am a newbie too. I am sorry that college has been difficult. That is truely not as uncommon as you might think. It is not the number of friends you have but rather the quality of the ones you do have. I watch a show called Rue Paul, he always says if you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else? I am 57 yrs old, never married and I am just learning this. Thank you for posting, you may have kept me from crying all night. You are worthy of love and not being treated like a toy.

  • First dont worry about other peoples oppion im sure your a very beautiful women insideand out so you got a lil weight trust me skinny women arnt everything ive dated them and honestly there more messed up then you would think. Just look in the mirror and see the beautiful women stearing back at you thats who you are thats the real you its time to embrace that women and say i got this ill be around if you need to chat

  • I myself have struggled with similar issues (eating disorder, self harm, anxiety, depression) and am also constantly feeling as if I am not good enough in comparison to others. 19 is still very young, and it is not uncommon to not yet been in a relationship. Being someone who has been in relationships, I think it is important to find some peace within yourself in order to have a relationship in which you feel comfortable in. Don't force or rush yourself into a relationship just because you think it is something you should already have experience in. You will know when the relationship is right. As for having and making friends, the quantity of friends you have is the is not as important as having people whom you can truly depend on. What matters most is that the few friends you make and maintain are bonds with people whom you not only enjoy their company, but that you are also able to trust them and communicate how you are feeling (including the thoughts and feelings you have expressed in this post), and this applies to any relationship as well. I am 24 and am still trying to figure all this stuff out myself.

    I am uncertain if my words have helped at all, but please feel free to reach out if you would like to continue to talk.

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