I am new to this group, but I decided that something like this may be able with how I have been feeling for quite some time now. I am not diagnosed with anything, mainly because I haven't talked to anyone really about the way I feel. In the past year or so, I feel as if things are getting more intense and it is really frustrating.
It first began when I was about 13 years old when I first started to deal with body issues. I would eat one special K cereal bar a day, workout constantly, and self harm. I was in a depression. I felt empty. The scariest thing was that I could not feel anything. I felt like I was a hollow case, nothing inside. I ended up moving forward from my eating disorder and the self harm, now at age 19. I still do not understand how to eat food in the correct portions and still suffer from body issues, anxiety, and depression.
This got worse when I started college almost 2 years ago now. I have never felt more intense emotions than being in college. I was having such a hard time adjusting to the life of a college student that I almost failed out my first year. I have never felt more anxiety and it always relate back to a particular thing. I am always worried that someone is out to get me. Like there is this person that is trying to harm me. Most of the time I will be fine, but at night I need to check every inch of my room to make sure no one is hiding in here. I check even the silliest places or I cannot go to sleep.
I have contemplated suicide a few times since starting college, and one time it seemed like it could have actually happened. I feel like I am always disappointing people and that I am not good enough. That is the worst of it all. Not feeling good enough. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to realize that I am a failure. I have gained weight this past year that also is not helping this situation. Sometimes I feel okay about my body and realize having a few extra pounds is okay. Other times I listen to my friends who are skinny as can be say things about how they look so "fat." That is when I start to feel horrible because I wonder what they think about me, someone who is so much larger than them.
The last biggest issue I have been dealing with are relationships. I have never had a real boyfriend and people seem to always emphasize how I do not have one. Every time I like someone, they want to be friends or just want to use me. I feel like I get used like a toy for a child to play with until they grow out of it and find a better one that is better suited for them. I feel alone all the time. I don't know how to make friends. I have some but not nearly as many as everyone else I know.
I just realized that this is an extremely long post. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read and listen.