Does anyone ever feel like they just don't belong? I feel so different from everyone else around me, everyone knows what they are doing and are able to just 'get stuff done' and focus on their lives whereas I feel so lost. Everything is blurred by my own thoughts and then the words and thoughts of others - it makes my depression so much worse that's why I try to avoid people. I have few friends but I feel like they all secretly hate me because I rant so much about life and I probably go over and over the same sh*t every time I see/talk to them. I just don't know what else to talk about.
When I am in social situations I try too hard to impress people or come across as submissive so they don't have a negative opinion or idea of me. It's not that I want everyone to love me for someone I am not but I just get so nervous that I 'dumb myself down' in a sense and force myself to small talk and I feel like I can't discuss in depth subjects that I think about because when I try to explain it it doesn't come out properly and they think I'm dumb and stupid for not being good at talking or that I am making no sense and just overreacting. People just make me feel so worthless. The more people I am surrounded by, the more alone I feel. I wish I could find a group of people in real life/face to face that I could just be myself and not worry about sounding dumb and mixing up my words and express my deepest darkest thoughts. I wish I could find people who allow me to make mistakes and explore myself and give me time to work on myself. It seems as if everyone around me expects me to be my best self and when I mention anything in relation to my depression or mental health or my anger or anything they just shut off and it makes me feel so embarrassed.
I know that social media has a bad rep and I have explored those issues and I disagree with a lot of things portrayed by the media/social media however I am finding that typing and talking online is so much easier for me and I'm stuck between knowing what is balanced and what is not. I want to live my life but I feel much more accepted online than I do in real life.
This frustration is constant and affects my life day to day. I just can't find a way to be myself and not care about what everyone else is doing with their lives. For my art I can't find artist inspiration without feeling more depressed because I compare my life/art to their's and it makes me feel sh*t about myself and that I am not worth anything because I am not as smart or clever or talented or expressive as them.
I wish I could make a change in this world but I just can't. I want to work on myself but then I feel as if I am wasting my time because I am not offering anything to this world while I am still alive.
Apologies for this lengthy rant but as always, it's needed.
Any tips? I'm sick and tired of feeling so crap in this modern world. I wish I was part of a different generation or born in a different time period.