Wow. Ok, um, yeah, where do I begin.
I'm am 40, my daughter is 19. I have cyclothemia and panic disorder and and and, she has general anxiety and depression. I am assertive-aggressive, she is passive (very passive). I have come a long way in my journey to stay level headed and live a normal life. Went to many classes, seminars and lots of social worker visits and finally a mix of meds that work. She is just starting her journey and her meds are helping her....Just a wee bit.
Problem is, I am cycling back into a deep depression (as opposing to my everyday mild, no energy, lethargy and zero motivation). I am once again wishing I was not alive, I sleep 10-18 hours a day then beat myself up for oversleeping and now the day is ruined. You know how it goes.
Now my daughter is worse off than I am. I am a fighter, I like a challenge, I like to master things and overcome obstacles, her on the other hand likes to be complacent and cuts herself as a form of emotional release.
My fiancé tells me I am not to work (gich I dont buy need to in order to help me out of my funk) and that I need to focus on my health and my daughter's health (which I also agree with). My dr tells me I need to focus on me.
Wonderful, however, her shoes blocking the front door, her garbage laying around, her stink of not showering or wearing the same clothes for 9 days straight, or her lack of care, or her not willing to talk with me, or my fiance or my father and remains shut in until I hear her laugh and talk on the phone in her room; is indeed a hindrance on me trying to regain any level headed thought process and moods.
Oh also, did I mention my fiancé has Asperger's. Ugh.
Every little issue, bill, errand and even cooking dinner is a mountain that I simply cannot climb anymore. I keep landsliding.
How am I to help my daughter who is still very much like a 8 year old trapped in an adult body, remain calm with my fiancé and his austic quirks, handle a home and my thoughts?
I've mentioned to my fiancé about my feelings of wishing my life to end. I've been talking about death (almost weirdly obsessing about it) for months now. Yet I don't feel suicidal. I've been there and tried that and learned that I will never do it again, yet here I am leading down that very same path again... Slowly whilst watching my daughter suffer the same way I am suffering and we have very little home support. Fiancé is out of home 14 hours a day for work, usually 6 days a week.
Both us are waiting to see a psychiatrist. My last one closed my file because I was changing family doctors and her bill won't get paid because I am out her jurisdiction, ugh whatever!
In the meantime, I am drowning inside and can no longer hide it. My daughter is seeking the attention of a man (drunkard) who is nearly my fiancé age (man is 55) and all I can do is sit back and watch and feel the water approaching my mouth and rising up to my nose as I cannot hold my breath any longer, I need to gasp for air but cannot.
I have thought of admitting myself, but every time I talk of it I get rebuttal from my family. Problem is they need me. What do I do?