My name is Fe. I'm 15, turning 16 in April. I lived in Indiana for most of my life until my mom decided to move my sister's and I across the country to Nevada with her new boyfriend in September. I lost my father when it was my 7th birthday on April 7th, 2008. He had a rare form of brain cancer that was impossible to remove. Ever since then, I have had an ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. I started self harming when I was 12 years old and I am trying to stop now. I haven't for about 3 weeks. I have suicidal thoughts pretty much daily but i never act on anything. One thing about having both depression and anxiety is that i costantly want to die but don't do it because of my fear of death.

The only thing that is going good in my life is my relationship. I am in a long distance relationship with a girl named Violet who lives in Canada. We have been together for 10 months.

I guess I am sharing this in hopes that someone relates in some way.

2 Replies

  • I hope you the best I'm sorry to hear about your dad mines in the same boat and it's killing me

  • Hello Fe, I dont think we will ever know what each person goes through in life and that is why I think it is important to have people you can reach out to for help. Even if all they do is listen it goes a long way. I myself know that when I surround myself with people it is hard for me to be depressed mainly because no one wants to be around debbie downer. This works pretty well for myself but once again everyone is different. It is also easy to think about what you dont have versus what you do have. When people have things taken away from them (I.e. money possessions, external appearances, etc) or never had them to begin with you can see that there attitude is very different than those who have yet to have any life altering events.

    There is a documentary called happy and it opened my eyes. It looks at what is happiness and how to maximize it. Funny thing is that those who have next to nothing scored the highest on the happiness index. A lady who became disfigured said it was the best thing that ever happened to her.

    Based on the limited text you wrote I can say that you can appreciate and be thankful for your life. Then be thankful for your Mom still being alive regardless of whether you get along or not. I know people who have lost both and I am sure they would prefer any relationship versus no relationship with their parents. Last you have your amazing partner who will be your rock when you slip and vice versa.

    I have been dealing with more and more anxiety lately which sucks but I know I have not been exercising, I have been drinking alcohol, eating poorly, working too much, sleeping too little, and worrying about things that have yet to happen.

    Who know if it helps but within the last week a good friend from college lost his wife to cancer. She must have been around 30 years old. I was saddened for my friend and his grief but then thought about how I take my life for granted. When thinking about ending your life think about how millions would love to have your time on earth versus dying. There are so many things to do to appreciate the time we have on this planet and usually there is plenty to do in every city. Elderly people need companions. Youngsters need someone to speak to who will not judge them and may possibly be going through what you have gone through. Your strength not only makes you stronger but those you come into contact with in life.

    Cherish your life and don't be afraid to ask for help. Much love and I wish you well Fe.

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