Vicious cycle

[Tmartof4180]

I am 23 years old, and I have been struggling with anxiety ever since I can remember. I definitely struggle with depression also, but mostly anxiety has controlled me for years now. Some weeks are better than others. I've reached out for help on multiple occasions, but it usually only lasts so long before I self destruct and ruin any progress that had been made. Ultimately making me feel hopeless, and afraid to reach out for help again because I always just end up being a huge disappointment..... i am now finding that I am relying more and more on drugs and alcohol to calm my nerves. I would like to consider myself a social butterfly, but my anxiety is actually starting to affect my relationships negatively because without drinking and a little pick me up, I don't want to socialize. It oftens becomes too overwhelming, and even nights that I say I'm not going to drink I end up drinking because I can only handle the stress and anxiety Of a large crowd for so long. Anyway. Alcohol has now become the enemy, and often creates unnecessary stress on top of the every day anxious thoughts.... and it's becoming a vicious cycle. I can't stop. AA is a wonderful resource, and I've tried it before, but it hasn't worked in the past because when I sit in a room full of people I don't know, I end up wanting to crawl out of my skin.... they're all so nice, but I hate meeting new people.... it sends me straight into a panic attack and after so long I feel worse than before because I isolate to stay sober, but always eventually end up drinking again because I usually become very lonely and will sit in my room for days having anxiety attacks and taking sleeping pills to force myself to sleep at night so I can escape the misery, even when I'm not tired. This is getting very old. Suicide doesn't seem like an option, I still have hope that one day I'll get better. But that hope is slowly dwindling. I ultimately feel that if I don't get help soon I will eventually self destruct to the point of no return, and I fear I will lose control of my self, and ending it all might seem like the only option to escape the constant feeling of regret and disappointment. Ughhhh. I am afraid mental health issues are going to kill me...... I'm afraid one day I will lose this battle against myself.... im not getting any younger, and I'd really like to get help sooner than than later. every time I go to the doctor I am prescribed antidepressants, and they arent helping. And I'm tired of trying to explain the severity of my anxiety, and feeling like no one is actually listening to how miserable I am each day. So yeah. That's my life in a nutshell, I'm living a very exhausting life, and I don't know what to do anymore, so here I am. any suggestions?!? Thank you for reading.

[BonnieSue]

I read the whole thing and I'm very sorry that life has put you here in this bad space. You need to be louder when you call for help to make sure you are heard. You deserve to be heard. When you're feeling really low and thinking how great it would be if you died, call one of these numbers: 1.800.273.8255 and 1.800.784.2433.

An experienced counselor is at the other end. They will talk to you and encourage you to chose life and not death.

Have you been to see your GP for a check up lately? You need to go and to have hypothyroidism ruled out and also any vitamin deficiency. Tell the doctor about your depression and anxiety also and see what he/she recommends you do. He may treat you himself or refer you to a psychiatrist. Both are okay for now. You also need a good counselor so ask for your Drs. recommendation. Then you can go online to see a picture of counselors in your area and read about their philosophies, specialties, education, fees and more.

I hope you follow my recommendations since you really need them and asap. Tell the most significant people in your life where you are at right now or asap. This is serious business and I hope you take it that way. You are worth all this effort and you can feel good again if you get the right help. Take care.

[Tmartof4180 in reply to BonnieSue]

I am actually diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Been taking 100 mlg levothyroxine for the past couple years. Unfortunately it didn't help with the anxiety. I appreciate your reply, I will be scheduling an appointment with a new doctor as soon as possible. I think a therapist is a wonderful idea, just gotta actually do it. I want nothing more to live a happy healthy life, and I am going to do what ever it takes to make that happen.

[BonnieSue in reply to Tmartof4180]

You are well on your way if you follow through with what I've said to you. You're looking good so far! You can see that I was right about the hypothyroidism. I'm not steering you wrong. Your anxiety won't be covered by the levothyroxine and that's okay. The doctor has to get that separately, preferably with an antidepressant because it's not addictive like anti-anxiety/benzodiazepines are.

The counselor is the #1 person in your corner helping you to understand everything and how to adapt and cope. It's great that you like this idea! You're doing fine so far! I hope you keep it up! Write to me here if ever you need to or send me a private message! I'd love to hear from you. Take care.