Giving up and giving in

So I haven't been on here in a while, I was trying to get myself and head back together and failed miserably at it. I've only gotten worse these past two months. The love of my life leaving me two months ago seems to be eating away at me more then it did the first month of the split. I've come to the end of the road where I am utterly done with life and myself. I'm at the point that I am completely content with ending my life in the next week. My alcoholic father had tried to get sober three times these past two months as well, and he is back to severely drinking himself to death, while telling me he is getting his will written out to die. He is upset that I have gotten worse and jokes about how happy he is my relationship ended. I feel like a fat worthless piece of garbage on top of it all, I used to love my body and finally got to how I wanted before my relationship, than figuring I had someone who loved me for me I gained weight, now I am back to square one of being disgusting and alone again. I have no friends at all, nor a family that accepts or talks to me. I sit in the house everyday, haven't left in a month. My PTSD also bothers me so much everyday, it's living on edge and fear of getting beaten again since I am not doing anything right. I've let my brother and dad down and mostly myself. I feel like I am dying everyday, I cry over my ex love more times than I can count, and I don't have the energy or love for myself to keep going. I know for a fact I am going to end up dying very soon if my life doesn't change, even if it it is something so small but positive. Waking up is a chore for me, existing is a chore, and breathing is a chore for me. I've tried working out again, cleaning my room, listening to music, writing and all seems to fail because I always come back to the fact I am a disgusting, out of shape (literally), failing piece of garbage who will amount to nothing and never ever will be able to be loved by anyone on this planet, not even by my own brother or dad.

3 Replies

  • Hello Jessica! Don't think your alone pple are there for you I completly understand how you feel my fiancé left me in December and I agree it hurts knowing there is nothing you can do to change things but you just try to do the best you can. Your family needs you and ending your life will be hard for them and not the best option. Have you thought about gstting help? Would most likely help you to talk about get your emotions out.

  • Hi Jessica!

    I want you to know that you matter. Sometimes I need to tell myself that. Its hard to actually believe. I also want you to know that even though we don't know each other, I have read your post just now, and I am here for you. Others are there for you too. You were brought into this world for a reason, and only you can make that reason shine. It sounds like you are a have tried and maybe many times tried again for something that you want to be-dont give up. <3

  • OK Jessica, Let's get real for the moment. You're saying you are going to sacrifice yourself for this one guy ? He ditched you because you're ill ? So what exactly are you missing ? I see from your picture you are a pretty woman and by your post that you are smart so why are you selling yourself short? A hot body sounds good and if you're willing to work for it good for you, but look for a man who sees the real person you are and will stand by you and be your support. If you go for a guy who sees you only as a hot bod , you're going to be living at the gym for the next 50 yrs. Pam

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