I found this place by looking through my 15 year olddaughter's cancer treatment information. She's 2 years clean right now and has scans tomorrow. I'm an anxiety ridden hot mess tonight. I always get this way before scans. It sucks! I've been diagnosed with PTSD and my husband left in October. I literally have no one to share my fears with other than my parents and I don't want them developing the same fears as me. I just need someone to talk to, someone who will listen and tell me everything will be okay. I want nothing more than to crawl in bed and just cry, but that would make my daughter afraid of scans tomorrow and I want her to be able to relax and be a kid. I want to carry all the burdens so no one else has to. I can't even talk to my husband because he has completely written us off and blocked us from his life. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry and I don't know how to turn this off?!?!
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tmarchand77
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It sounds like you have every right to be sad, scared and angry. Can you exercise in some way to blow off steam?? Physical action will help you, even taking a fast walk will help. I don't blame you for not wanting to let your daughter see you cry in bed. That's what Moms do---have strong protective feelings for their children but reign in behavior that might scare their children. Can you also record how you feel in a journal? This helps some people vent. Or can you have a pillow fight with your daughter and blow off steam together? I'm sure she's feeling a lot of the same things you are. You don't have to hit each other with the pillows if she's too fragile, you can beat up on the pillows themselves instead. And you can say stuff out loud like: "And take THAT (hitting the pillow hard) for your crummy cancer that we don't want!!" "And THIS (hitting pillow) for your crummy chemo that makes Sally (your daughter's real name here) throw up!!" And so on.
Lastly, if you can pray together your daughter will hear you describe how you care about her as you ask a loving God for help with these problems and outcomes. And let her make some requests and thank God for the medical care and whatever else is good in her life and yours. Try to find the good and count your blessings because in doing this you turn anger and sadness into gratefulness. You can be grateful you're able to get medical help for your daughter or that you and she now have more time to talk and be together without the arguing or whatever was negative about not getting along with your husband. There are always ways your situation could be worse and for those things you can be grateful.
You can always come here to vent!! We're safe here for your venting. I suggest counseling for both you and your daughter if you don't already have it. You both have a lot to deal with emotionally and having a counselor will help immensely. Please consider this seriously. Your anger is entirely appropriate but needs addressing. I wish you the best!
Tmarchand77, sorry you are going through all this. I would worry every time my Mom has a scan. And what's wrong with your husband that he won't communicate about this? I pray the scan is clear. I am a caregiver for my Mom,87 and not the only one. I was emotionally taking on all the stuff, till I got depressed and put myself in the hospital. Do you have any friends you can lean on? A therapist? You shouldn't shoulder all this alone.I guess that's why we are here. You are not alone. People here are supportive of each other. Write back soon.
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