Hello, this is my first post What are some positive ideas to get through the holidays without our family and loved ones? Not enjoying the frequent pain and tears. There is no reason to celebrate.
I'm no longer as young and energetic as years past. My parents have both passed away, my children and grandchildren have made other plans and will not be visiting again this year. Their plans haven't included me in some time. I am unable to travel at this time due to illness. They can't seem to grasp the concept of strokes, heart attacks, vascular issues or any other diseases that make me weak. To them I should be the same strong mother that always tried to fix others problems and keep the family together, but I'm not any longer. Wishing I didn't inherit my problems doesn't make them go away. I'm following drs instructions and exercises. My children have made me feel like a failure and a stranger. Not sure how to handle my pain. My mother always had a way to redirect my pain and make me laugh, but those days are long gone. I miss you mom.
Sal's 2 children don't like me either especially Brienne. I cared so much for her but she recently showed her true colors. On Her fathers birthday she told me I am a drama queen, not really sick, and have ruined her fathers life. Due to me, he is now a fool. I should do things for myself and not ask her dad for any kind of help. It bothers her badly that he makes me coffee, turns the fan on or off if I ask him too, and that he carried my purse when I felt weak. In my eyes that is not a foolish man but the man I love and who loves me and would do anything for his wife. I would do the same for him without a blink of an eye. I had know idea how insensitive she is. I'm not sure how Sean really feels about me but I have never felt welcome or warmth in his presence.
Im not really sure how I go on day by day. But I do believe in an afterlife whatever it may be, so I try to believe thinking of the alternative to this sad existence is wrong and probably worse. But I still wonder why I was born as I have no purpose in life. Mom should have never taken the medication to stop the miscarriage.
I'm feeling so sad, depressed and so unloved. I thought I could shake it I feel so blue I haven't decorated or planned anything.
I Will not be a burden or beg for attention anymore from anyone. Love and caring should be a natural occurrence but somehow it's not when it comes to me. I've been told I say and do everything wrong. I'm just not good enough for anyone to love.
We come from a large family who were always in each other's business and faces! Holidays were loud and crazy and fun. I miss that so much. The silence I'm experiencing is devastating. I have to much time to think why and what could I have done.
My husband is very quiet and doesn't want to hear me...I know that, but sometimes I can't help pouring my feelings and heart out. He is the only one around.
And when I talk to my dogs....no answers, they just want their belly rubbed! Lol thank God I have them.
I take too many medications to add antidepressants to the list. I've tried them and they didn't work for me, nothing does. Wish life wasn't so cruel and didn't have to change.
I needed to share my thoughts but have no one who understands or wants to listen. I hope no one else on this planet is feeling the pain I feel during one of the most wonderful Holiday seasons.