Newly wed, soon to be newly divorced.

[daveets4]

I got married in May. And that's a big step in anyone's life. And on top of that I was a Military spouse. I have lived all over the country before, but when I moved this time it felt completely different. I felt instantly trapped. I had a horrible move here, and constant misery and fighting with my husband. Which we really didn't do in the year prior with us just dating (plus we've been friends for 13 yrs). When I came here I developed extreme anxiety, which lead to severe panic disorder with Agoraphobia. I had to drop out of college, I wasn't able to pick up a job, or even leave the house a lot of the times. And my husband turned into the least understanding person, constantly threw jabs at me having a mental illness. And focused on how badly it was affecting him and only him. So when I turn to a friend whom I've know since before I was with my now husband, it's not okay because he's a male. But he is one of my only friends fighting off the demons of having a mental illness unlike my husband who has had a pretty good life, and hasn't dealt with too much pain and anguish in their life or in the lives of their family (must be nice). And the friend was always there, never hidden. Even got "approved" by him, even though you shouldn't have to be forced to ask if it's ok to talk to someone. He hacked into all my messages yesterday and printed them out to accuse me of cheating which was not even close to the case. And when he was called out on it. He just insults me having a sickness again. So the line has been drawn and crossed and now we're on the verge of filing for divorce. And I'm just not sure how I can handle that on top of the anxiety I already have. I can't eat or sleep. I already had 4 panic attacks just yesterday alone. How does or how has anyone dealt with their significant other not handling your illness, and give you no support whatsoever with coping or healing from it??? Because I am totally lost, and unsure of what to do at all.

*p.s. so sorry for the wicked long post*

[Ronkoz]

I'm in the anxiety panic attack boat now - I haven't found a support system yet but I know it's important - a person who offers you support is a great person at this time and focus on good - people who can't understand mental health issues at this point hit the ignores as best you can- take care of your panic attacks and that could be a first step I found increasing my dose for a period has been relatively helpful with less panic attacks I'm able to say hellll no more to negative people

[daveets4 in reply to Ronkoz]

Thank you for the advice. I definitely need to follow your lead and say no to negative people. No matter who it is. I should be first priority right now in my own life.

[Beth37]

Hi, I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for 11 years. One thing that I have come to realize is that the illness is real. I had to learn to respect my illness and find ways to cope. I manage my illness with medication, therapy, and now exercise. One thing that helps me is being aware of what is going on with me and learning how to deal with out of character reactions, such as tantrums which maybe throwing things, hitting someone, or yelling. I told myself that I don't like acting out in these ways. So, I made in my mind to change, by using meditation and thinking before lashing out. This didn't happen over night, the process took some time. I try to keep a positive mind set and not allow people to get under my skin and stay away from as much stress as possible. I try to be accountable for my illness and try my best to take care of my mental and physical health. It maybe a good idea to first respect your marriage, stay on one accord with your husband (less stress for you), you and your spouse should research information about the illnesses together, leave other people out of the marriage right now, and give yourself time to adapt to your new move. I hope this helps.

[daveets4 in reply to Beth37]

Thank you for giving me a new perspective at looking at it. It is hard to just stay with my husband and focus on that because he is a big cause to my stress and anxiety. And I have told him please let me help you research it, sent him a lot of links that were well written and easy to understand. But he quickly gave up on all of that, and in return ending up just giving up on me. My friend actually came to me first about needing help to cope with his depression and the alcoholism that followed. And I did, and in return he was a good support system back when things were terrible on my end. And how do you vent to your husband about your husband without I causing yet another fight. But I see exactly what you mean too. Maybe I'll give meditation another try. And I love exercise, it was a big part of my life before. But now it only makes it worse, since every time my heart rate goes up, my mind tricks my body onto breaking down because it thinks it's having another attack.

[ADew95]

I would ask your partner to participate in marriage counseling with you before throwing in the towel. If he doesn't participate then he must not be as invested in you and the marriage as much as he should be. Don't you blame yourself for that either. You are correct in the fact that he SHOULD NEVER use your mental illness as a reason to belittle you. Was there a change in your partner's behavior after getting married and settled in? Maybe it is his true self and marriage has just made him more comfortable in showing it. Also, being married and within the same household you are exposed to each other more. Marriage does change things whether people want to admit it or not. I do not know the context of your messages with this other man so I am not able to defend that part of your case. But if you mainly vented to him as a friend and confidant then that is not a basis for cheating especially with your husband's stamp of approval.

[daveets4 in reply to ADew95]

Well we got married but we're apart for the first 4 months of it because he had orders to leave immediately after, and I was finishing school and wanted to keep my job to make money during the summer. But we lived together before he left for basic. I'm not exactly sure what changed so drastically that it made everything different. I mean there wasn't even a real proposal. It was just a discussion brought up over the phone and a logical conclusion. But being apart or not. Behavior changed as soon as we said I do. It definitely does change and affect people, just wish I knew the source of why. And it was a completely platonic friendship. My friend is a Marine with ptsd which sent him into a deep depression consumed with alcoholism. I was helping him through that, and he would help if I ever needed to vent or was on the verge of a panic attack. If anything even got remotely too flirtatious I'd put my foot down. He knew where the boundaries were and I never even thought of developing feelings for him. Never once crossed my mind. He was just a good support system. And I'm pretty sure my husband's jealous insecurity just went overboard because I can talk to him a lot easier than I can talk to my husband who doesn't even try to understand. If I had a girlfriend with the same issues I'd surely go to her first. But I don't. And maybe marriage counseling will work. But I'm afraid it's just burned into his brain to not accept me, as broken as I am but there's nothing really "wrong" with me. But if I can squeeze money around, possibly. Thank you very much for your response and thoughts! It means a lot.

[ADew95 in reply to daveets4]

You're welcome. Glad I could help.

[ADew95]

The best advice I could give to you is continue reaching out and seeking help. Try counseling as a means of learning new coping methods that work for you. Are there family members from back home you can call? I would try talking to them for a good support system.

[daveets4 in reply to ADew95]

Thank you. Yes I need all the help I can get now. And I'm definitely down for trying different ways. And I'm closest to my mom back home, and she'll help me with the anxiety part. But as soon as I mention problems with my husband her only response is, sending prayers your way and then drops the subject. Because her super catholic ways think divorce is one of the worst sins.

[tressy123]

You need to do what you need to do to push through the anxiety/depression! Having a support person helps tremendously. Those who don't suffer from this illness will never understand the horrible feelings of it. Your spouse may be uncomfortable with it and may not know how to help you and may be jealous of someone else being able to understand what you're going through. Try counseling. If he truly wants to be there for you he should do whatever it takes to help you. Also is there a support group in your area that you could push yourself to attend?

[daveets4 in reply to tressy123]

Thank you, your words pretty much summed it up. And I need to start putting myself first more often, whether that involves my husband or not. Because if he's not willing to try, I should not have to be the one being punished with more anxiety. And he's tried "helping" before and has gotten no where. I guess I just feel as though I'm at and end. But maybe I should try and seek close support groups. I hadn't thought of that. Thank you again.

[divaonfire]

Have you heard of Give an Hour (giveanhour.org)? This might be a good resource for you because it is free for military and families. I too began to suffer from severe anxiety and depression right after my marriage and am struggling with my husband understanding and supporting. Its a terrible, uphill climb. Keep swimming!