In my last post I mentined that I was struggling to eat more than 400 calories a day and exercising alot again due to the fact I'd eaten too much over Christmas, I was too scared to weigh myself in case the number was higher than I could accept. Well I saw my counsellor on Friday and she weighed me, it was so scary stepping onto that scale and waiting for her to tell me what it said was torture. I had actually lost weight not put it on probably due to my strict lack of calories and exercise over the last few weeks. I felt a mixture of relief but also sadness as I know I need to gain weight to get better again. I came away from the session promising to eat more and cut back on the exercise, but I'm finding it so hard to do it. I can't exercise as I feel dizzy and breathless most of the time, and when I have eaten soup and yogurts the last few days it's left me feeling sick and with severe stomach pains. Any one been here and can offer advice as I'm so confused at the minute?
Haven't put the weight on I thought I... - Anorexia Bulimia ...
Breaking any habit is hard and it is particularly hard when you are fighting something deeply entrenched like this...but you can do it. The fact that u have written in this forum asking for advice and support speaks volumes to me, well done! You mentioned a counsellor, what other support do you have? It sounds like you know that y need to consume more calories, but that you are terrified to do it. As y begin to take steps in the right direction, your anorexia will fight back, telling you all sorts of things to try and make y restrict again, it is a very difficult time. Please draw on all the support y can think of, including continuing to write here. Eating Disorders thrive on secrecy, deceit and shame, so be brave and do the opposite. Someone wrote on this site once that their counsellor had suggested doing the opposite to the voice in their head and it had helped them, maybe worth a try? Only you can do this, but it is unlikely that you can do it alone....get more on board to support you, thinking of you and let's us know how you are getting on.
Thanks for your reply. I was rushed into hospital yesterday after collapsing at the doctors, I had been having really bad chest pains, feeling dizzy and constantly being out of breath. They put me on a drip, took bloods and did a heart trace. Thankfully my heart is ok, but my bloods showed my magnesium and potassium levels are dangerously low. The nurse practitoner was very unsympahetic and as a result I hid my ED from her and just said I had been feeling unwell. I think she guessed though when she saw my ribs etc. My GP had emailed her my history and all she said was 'these blood tests are like some one who is not eating enough'. I was allowed home last night and its really shook me up as I dont want to end up in hospital again. I am seeing my dietcian again and my counsellor is ringing me every other day till my next appointment. I am determined to start eating more again, I have texted my close friends too as need all the support I can get.
its so easy to kid ourselves (or let our ED lie to us) - to imagine we've eaten more and to over-compensate - when in fact we've eaten little more - possibly different things - and we've then cut back and exercised - and the weight has dropped rather than increased as we fear. It is also a fact that, just like losing weight, it takes quite a few calories on top of our current diet to actually gain weight - and if we're exercising - one thing balances the other.
Continue to talk as much as possible - and get more support from your counsellor if you need to over this diffiuclt patch. I am concerned for you - 400 calories a day is an extremely small amount - and the dizziness and breathlessness are also concerning - especially if you are exercising - think it might be good to tell someone about this.
Breaking free is not easy - standing against the ED is not easy - but it is worth the battle - but you do need help and support - so call on any one you feel able to to get the continual support you need.
Praying for you
Thanks for your reply.Everything came to ahead yesterday when I collapsed at the doctors and was rushed into hospital. I had been having bad chest pains, feeling breathless and dizzy. The put me on a drip, did a heart trace and blood tests. Thankfully my heart was ok but my bloods showed my magnesium and potassium levels are far too low. I need to try and eat things containing these to help me feel better. I got out of hospital last night and it was a real shock to me as I don't want to be hospitalised as then everything will be taken out of my hands. It has made me determined to start eating more and stop ounishing my body as it can't take it anymore. I rang my counsellor today and we had a good chat, she is going to ring me every other day till my next appointment. Plus I have texted my close friends as Im going to need all the support I can get.
Hi, Yes I can relate to you completely. I am currently under the care of "Specialised High-Risk Eating Disorder Team", based at a Psychiatric Hospital. I have only just started treatment. I too see a Councellor, Psychologist, Psychiatrist and Occupational Therapist.
I only found this help as I was desperetely ill last summer in Intensive Care with Pneumonia. I had all sort of problems related to my Anorexia as my weight and BMI is so low!!
I ended up in hospital for a month. My organs started to shut down in ICU, this was the shock I needed to tackle my Anorexia head-on. I baffled all the Professionals by surviving.
I am very concerned for you as your intake of calories 400 per day is drastically low. Your symptoms of shortness of breath and tiredness could be related to Anaemia?? I am no Doctor of course but when I came home from hospital still extremely low weight I felt the same. I could"nt even climb the stairs with shortness of breath and tired, dizzy just like you. I would urge you to at least see your GP for a Full Blood Count, this could rule out Anaemia @ least to start with.
I know this illness is sometimes in control of you rather than you being in control of Anorexia.
I can relate totally the "fear" you get when you step on the Scales. I"ve always got my fingers crossed as I terrified of gaining weight but know I have to if I want to survive and get well with the fantastic support I am now receiving.
The "Extra" you eat over Christmas and the strict reseam you"ve got yourself under at the momet obviously have counter balanaced each other as you have not gained weight as you thought but indeed lost more!!
This ilnessess is controlling you! I urge you to listen and put into Practice what your councellor is advising. As you are not going to get anywhere surviving on so few calories. I am not surprised you have no energy to exercise!! Your poorbody is just about coping with the abuse! (I don"t mean to sound so harsh but would hate for the same thing to happen to you as did me! I nearly lost my life to this illness last year, you don"t think it can happen to you, trust me it does!!!!).
I also was confused at time but this too was due to inbalance in my bloods low Pottasium and Sodium Levels.!!
Please seek some Medical help as soon as you can I am not trying to "Scare" you but these are the symptoms I had before I was rushed into Intensive Care. We underestitmate the "Power" this illness until something Drastic happens.
You cannot afford to go on the way you are for your own sake, please seek some help?
I was extremely "Lucky" to have pulled through when my organ shut-down I was on a "Life Support Machine" I would hate the same thing to happen to you. GET HELP NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!
In my thoughts and Prayers
Thanks for your reply. Things came to a head yesterday when I was rushed into hospital after collapsing at the doctors. My chest pains, breathlessness and feeling dizzy had been getting worse. They put me on a drip, did a heart trace and took blood. Thnakfully my heart was ok but my blood tests showed my potassium and magnesium levels are really low, that has been making me feel so ill. It gave me a real shock as I don't want to be hospitalised as then everything will be taken out of my hands. I rang my counsellor today and we had a good chat she is going to ring me every other day till I see her next. Plus I have texted my close friends to tell them whats going on as if Im going to start eating more etc I am going to need their support. I am determined to start recovery again as I hate feeling like this. I'm so sick of constantly having my life ruled by thoughts about food, calories and how I see my self. I'm praying this time I'll be strong enough to fight back against the AN voice.
I'm not surprised that your body is behaving adversely both to the lack of food and in the initial attempts to eat more. Keep eating and hopefully your symptoms will gradually go although I think it is very important to see your GP about the physical problems. With so few calories it is no wonder that your brain is not acting rationally and you are getting conflicting messages in your head. I pray that you will listen to the rational voice that is telling you that it is crucial to gain some weight.
Thanks for your reply. Things came to a head yesterday when I was rushed to hospital after collapsing at the doctors. I had been having bad chest pains, feeling dizy and breathless. They put me on a drip, did a heart trace and did blood tests. Thankfully my heart was ok, but my bloods showed my potassium and magnesium levels are really low. I rang my counsellor today and we had a good chat, she is going to ring me every other day till my next appointment. Plus I've texted my close friends to tell them whats going on so I can lean on them if things get too tough as I try to eat more again. It gave me a real jolt and I suppose woke up the fighting part of me to fight my AN and not let it win. I know its going to be hard but I have to beat it this time.
It does sound like quite a wake up call to me! There is only so much our bodies can put up with. I really hope that this will be the start of a hourney of recovery.
It was good to hear that you are getting support from your counseller and I'm sure your friends will help as well. Please be assured that I will be thinking and praying for you too and would love to hear how you are getting on. May God strengthen you.
Sorry to hear that you are in hospital. I think this is the "Wake-up" call u probably need, although drastic. I did "blog you few days ago and told you what happened to me with the blood levels of Pottisium, Sodiumd ect. You are very lucky that you collasped and we able to acssess care immediately.
I also told you that my body was in such a chronic state I ended up in Intensive Care with Pneumonia, Respiratory Failure, Sepsis (Organs shuting-down), Septicemia (Blood Poisioning!!),
I urge you to grasp the help you Counsellor is offering before something more drastic happens to you. You honestly don"t think (I did"nt anyhow!) it could happen to you, but believe me it does. I was very fortunate to have survived and now have damage to my heart and lungs!!
Please take heed of what your body is telling you and act on it before its too late.
I wish you a speedy recovery from hospital.
Stay strong especially be honest with your councellor. If you don"t mind me asking are you having CBT or are you with a Specialised Eating Disorder Councellor/Psychologist? Only I had CBT for ten year unfortunetely it did"nt work for me (No dis-respect to Psychologist as she was fantastic with me!). I know CBT has worked for many sufferers from this illness. I pray it will work for you.
I have had this horrendous Anorexia for many, many years and only the stark scare that happened last year made me seek further help. I am known under-going treatment at a Psychiatric Hospital for Specialised High-Risk Eating Disorders!! Only just started but the Team are all fantastic and I pray I can say "Good=bye" to this horrendous illness for good this time and lead a normal, (what ever "normal" is), life with my husband and children who deserve better!!
I will be praying for you.
God Bless X
Hope you are out of danger and home soon.
Hi, yes I am having CBT and have found an amazing counsellor/therapist who I can really realte to. She specialises in eating disorders and totally gets where I'm coming from and never judges me or makes me feel like some kind of freak. In the past I've seen psychiatrists and doctors because of depression when my Mam took her own life and I had issues to deal with from my childhood. To them I was just another patient and I felt they never really understood what I was feeling or going through it all felt like it came from a text book. My CBT counsellor is great even when I had to get weighed the other Friday and I freaked out she was patient and encouraged me that no matter what the scales showed we would deal with it together. I don't know where I would have been without her over this last year, I truly believe she has saved my life as I was on a downwards spiral and losing weight fast. She helped me stop and begin recovery and even though I've had a relapse and been in hospital I know in time I will start to get better. I'm meeting my Pastor and his wife tomorrow to talk as well, they have been a real support and are always there for me, sending me regular texts to see how i'm doing etc. Thanks for your posts, warnings and advise I am trying to take them on board and start to fight this horrible illness as I don't want to do my body anymore damage and end up back in hospital. Take care and I will be praying for you too. I'm sure together with posts and prayers we'll get there in the end.
Thanks for your post, it really helps me to keep going and fight this knowing I'm not alone and there are people out there who know exactly what I'm going though and feeling and when I need advise or support can answer my questions. I really appreciate your prayers as I know I am going to have a real battle on my hands over the next few weeks and months as I try to start eating again and accept my new body image as I put on weight. I am totally freaking out about that, don't know how I'll cope with that but am sure my counsellor will help me deal with that when it happens. I know the only way I'll get better is to eat and to put on weight as my body is really deficient in minerals and vitamins which is why I ended up in hospital.
May God Bless you.
Hi, So glad you are getting the right treatment for you and trust is a key element between you and your Councellor. I to battle with gaining weight although I know I MUST, its such a dreadfull illness!! I agree with the one reply about "keeping it in the day!". For us sufferers sometimes (i have to) break it down hour by hour!
Thankfully we all only have today to deal with. I hope your bloods are being sorted and your out of hospital. I am in close contact with my Pastor too, who visits me at home at moment as I am too ill to get to Church.
The Power of Prayer is amazing (speak for myself here) I do not know how I would have managed without all my friends who pray for me on regular basis. If this brings you peace and hope keep it up!
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless you,
Love Bettybaby x