I am looking at the different topics and questions on here and now im wondering if this is the right place for me? All the advice on trying to recover or at least how to healthy changes to ones diet, sound good to read - good sound reasonable advice. But if it was that easy surely we wouldnt all still be suffering and carrying on the way that we are? I wish i could read all the info and have it sink in enough. I know what I "should do" and I know what im doing is wrong. Ive got 2 small children and you would think that this alone would be reason enough to make me stop doing what I am doing (starving myself) but it hasnt. I feel huge amounts of guilt but i cant stop. my bmi is 15.5 and im 42 years old. I feel fat and i look fat and if i eat, I can literally see the fat coming back - making me look fatter.
I had a spell in hospital about 2 months ago. I had been starving and taking high fat burning pills for a long time until I got rushed to hospital because i couldnt stop being sick. it was terrible. as i sat on the floor in my nightgown, i was in so much pain all i could think about was what if i died there in the hospital and never got to see my babies again? I vowed Id get better. When I came home I chucked a shopping bag full of laxatives, slimming pills, slimming tea out. took me a month to be able to eat soup without my body rejecting it..but as i put on the weight, 4 pounds to be exact. I went straight back into panic mode and now am starving to lose it all and exercising at night in secret. I feel in hell. I saw my docter this week for a review of my meds, as i also have depression and borderline personality disorder and she is referring for a mental health assessment at a local hospital. Im getting worried about what i should and shouldnt divulge as i dont want to be hospitalised and taken away from the daughters.