Is it just me? Why do I look at other people and wish I could have the strength to cope with situations the way they do, how is it other people seem to have less complications, less stress. WAKE UP ANGELUS!!!! YOU ARE THAT STRONG!!!
I have been working my way through my recovery path, I have made many realisations one being 'stop wasting time wishing I were someone else' that is energy wasted. All of my energy was focussed in anorexia and I had little strength for anything else. I had so much support but my life didn't seem to change but the reason for this was me. I had not changed/modified my behaviours and therefore my life was not going to change but with my determined efforts I managed to uncomplicate my life. This was not easy but once I managed to start, I reaslised that with less time devoted to anorexia the more time, energy and strength I had for life, I was able to become the person I wanted to be and yes, I am that strong if not stronger. Anorexia takes it's toll on us with no rewards, it is like fast-forwarding the aging process X100 but, if we can do this "double life" then focusing our energy on what really matters we really can achieve exactly what we want and reap all of the rewards.
I have come a long way on my road to recovery, I still have work to be done but, I do know that I have made the most difficult decision about either, wanting to live life or, do I want to shorten my life in anorexia. It is very hard but, once we start to deal with our issues (and everyone has their own demons) we can move along our path. I love feeling the happiness, not the pain but, at least I can share this with the loved ones I have around me. I am not alone anymore, I have chosen to let my guard down, let people into my heart and now I can FEEL. Everything Anorexia stole from me I am re-building and this time I am appreciating who and what I am. I am learning to like and love me and yes that includes my body. I want to look after myself so I can be with my partner and hopefully start a family. I do not know if this will happen, something that I wait for every month, my period, has not returned. I live in hope it will but, all I can do is love and care for me and pray my periods return because I do not want to have lost/ given to anorexia my chance to start a family.