Eating disorders can not hold you back

Really, they don't hold you back, only you do.

I've just got back from the trip of a lifetime to America for 2 months. Before I left I was not at my worst but I wasn't well. The stress of planning and family dynamics were making things very difficult to keep on top of my recovery. I felt fat and embarrassed about the way I looked, so much that when I was asked for a recent photo I refused.

My biggest fear was not getting there, that I would stumble at the last moment, freak out and not go, story of my life. I could have let the eating disorder hold me back but I wasn't going to give it the satisfaction of taking away my life changing experience.

Needless to say, I got on that plane and I did anything and everything I could. I went sky diving over las Vegas, parasailing in Florida keys, ATV riding in Moab, got drunk, gambled and fell over in the middle of the road in las Vegas! Spent an evening with the Navajo tribe in monument valley, flew in a helicopter over the grand canyon. I've met the best friends I could have possibly asked for and before we left America we were planning our next adventure to Australia.

The eating disorder never went away. I had slip ups now and again, I still felt fat and disgusting but once I was surrounded by my friends doing these incredible things I felt free, happy and even beautiful. It took a lot of strength to tell the eating disorder to fuck off, but damn it was with it!

We all deserve to be happy, but actually I've learnt I'm the only one that can make me happy and nothing can stop me. Not even an eating disorder.

What have you done after telling the eating disorder to fuck off? Or what would you like to do?

Xxxx

4 Replies

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  • Well, only just joined a few minutes ago, never done anything on the net re EDs, but am joining this to try out after a friend has recommended.

    Seriously! Go You! Im not geing to say well done or anything similar as i know how irritating that can be, but .......... i think i can empathise with your feelings and thoughts, but i cannot yet share the experiences you have described in america but it is something i would LOVE to do. Being trapped in the eating disorder so often you cut your nose off to spite your face almost. Only yesterday i had the chance to go with someone to a b&b and mini holiday, but thought that i didnt want to go, even though i did. I am always saving it up for next week. With me i have lots of ideas but time passes nothing changes.

    How does next week, tomorrow etc become an actual event..?x

  • Tomorrow never happens, when your friend asked I bet you said, I'll think about it - BIG MISTAKE!! Never think, just do it, just say yes! :-) it's always a leap of faith but everything in life is really. I always used to plan and organise everything, just incase! Incase of what?! Haha it's so free when you let go of all our control over everything, cus it's not just eating we have to be in control of. Because once you're out doing something, seeing something, speaking to someone, when you get home you'll realise you haven't thought about your eating disorder once.

    Just one leap of faith :-) try it and see, what's the worst that can happen? Seriously! I challenge you to find one reasonable answer to that question!

    Best wishes and lots of love xxx

  • Thanks, I think i know that tomorrow never really happens, yet i keep on going. It is good to read your comments as on the one hand i can completely empathise and almost read your mind with regards to fear, control and avoidance......though of course at the same time i have a huge chunk of denial. Then on the other hand you HAVE BEEN to america and you recommend to try and see. If Im honest I laughed out loud "just in case, In case of what!" that is so true! and you're right, I cannot find a reasonable answer to your question. I have a friend who I VERY randomly made at an event, she just pounced on me recognising what i could not see in myself as she was on the road to recovery. She very often "eggs" me on to change and i just squirm as i cant disagree and she is only saying what she is doing and she is doing life! Yet a cant take the plunge.

    Because I dont think im worth it? Not ill enough? Everyone else fits into the scenarios of textbook ed and treatment except for me. I am NOT special, but i cannot see how doing these steps would work out for me as i have witnesse d with so many others.

    I look forward to reading about your next adventure. I love them, and should plan one....why not i hear you say...........squirm is my answer........but it is on my mind at least.

    Thanks again.xx

  • We are all worth it

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