Over lockdown 1 I was okayish because I was happy but my restricting came beck for the first time in a couple years at full tilt and went down to 98lb which I hate to say I genuinely loved but I’m an athlete and I’m not stupid and I 10000% love running more that eating 800cals a day and making myself throw up
So in September I started to eat more again and I put on five pounds which I was okay with because I was at training so was surrounded with positive vibes plus it wasn’t that visible but then since Christmas (which made me feel really crap I’m not sure why) I’ve felt so alone/out of my depth/generally sad and I’ve been binging and throwing up more often not to mention my motivation for training has plummeted.
I had some blood tests which came back clear so my gp basically told me I needed to stop running (no one knows about my relationship w food) which really pissed me off and now I don’t want to talk to anyone bcoz I’m scared they’ll make me stop running. Also my mum works at my gp surgery so I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone about my mental health
I feel like my entire life is just a facade of me making myself seem like I’m put together and okay all the time and I’m just so sick and tired of hating myself. Most of all I’m sick of being so confused about what to do, I want to be strong and healthy and love myself and I want to be HAPPY but at the same time my first go to thought is how I’m not good enough or how I can see my underarm podge or my inner thighs.
I’m so scared to tell people because I think they won’t believe me because it’s not the me that they know, or that they’ll be angry or simply because I don’t want to look weak and out of control which is essentially what I’ve strived to avoid my entire like
Not to mention we have a family relative whose daughter is anorexic and the way my parents talk about her makes me TERRIFIED
I know this is a really long post I’m sorry and I hope I don’t seem attention seeking.