Can’t stand myself “hate’s too strong... - Anorexia Bulimia ...

Anorexia Bulimia Care
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Can’t stand myself “hate’s too strong of word)


I got down to 132 and feeling so proud of myself. I broke my ankle 3 1/2 years ago and it’s still broken but I can exercise and do quite a bit of stuff. I got on a sweet kick that I can’t get off of. My biggest with my ankle being broken was around 176. I didn’t even get that big with either one of my children full term with pregnancies. Last night I ate almost a whole 2 tier round cake plus Chinese. It’s been like this almost every day for a couple months. I exercise like crazy but slacking at that too partly cuz my back is bad and going to pain clinic. I do hardcore exercises. My willpower is gone. I’m not even stepping on the scale n if I have an appointment that I will get weighed I will probably cancel it. I have worked so hard to get back to where I was and I know I can do it again but every day I say I’m not going to eat sweets and I do and then well I screwed up so it’s like I’ve gone without food for weeks. But 97% of it is junk food. I’m in recovery from drugs and alcohol and many different mental conditions. I’ve been free from using over a year but my mentality was well I used so I’m just going to do it up as much as I can and now I’m doing it with food. I don’t wanna say I hate myself but I’m close to it.

7 Replies

It sounds like you really need help - are you in touch with the mental health services as it feels like you need to talk through a lot of issues - suggest you contact your GP and have a good talk about things to get the best and most appropriate referral.

I have talked to my family physician, psychiatrist multiple times, counselor many times, and tried other websites to help people suffering with things like this. My dr gave me this website. I feel like I’m not being taken serious and my psychiatrist asked what I weighed and said it was same as a month ago. Which my weight fluctuates and it’s not healthy and can give me diseases or other headless complications

have you tried Mind - there's also Anorexia & Bulimia Care and BEAT - all good websites and confidential helplines.

No thank you

I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

If I remember your post from a month ago correctly, (like many of us) you have battled food and weight for most of your life. You have trained your body to expect to be starved and overworked, which is why your rebounds (binging) happen much quicker. Your body works harder and harder to combat the famine you continue to inflict on it, which is why people get worse at dieting over time, not better. If you are anything like I was, you try to limit your food as much as possible all day, and then "break" in the afternoon or evenings. You are drawn to sweet stuff because your body is trying to recoup the missed calories from all the previous under eating with the highest calories most easy to digest foods it can find.

I know this is really had to accept, but getting better means you have to start eating enough food throughout the day at regular intervals and you have to trust that your body will start telling you when & how much it needs. You also have to let go of trying to compensate for your eating by over exercising. It is also important to try to work toward a more neutral view of different foods--your body is just trying to help you survive by having you eat "junk" foods. The more you have negative emotions around all of this, the more likely your body is to rebel. You can be "eating enough" but if you are getting mad at yourself for eating or feeling guilty, your body will rebel.

You have to eat regular meals and snacks throughout the day. Your hunger cues are all over the place because your body can't rely on a regular source of fuel. You are stuck in a daily Feast-Famine cycle. It takes time, and a lot of rest and fuel, to not only heal your relationship with food, but also heal all the internal damage caused by your weight loss efforts. It took me a long time to realize that I had to let go of the idea that controlling my food and body is what I "should" be doing. It not only isn't something you should be doing it actually gets you farther away from what you want, which is a peaceful and calm relationship with food.

As others have suggested, seeking some professional care might help, although it sounds like your current doctors haven't been especially helpful. You might want to seek out some HAEs and/or IE specialists to help with the food issues.

Your story reminds me of this podcast interview ( that I think you will find very interesting and helpful. I would also suggest looking into recovery resources like the podcast "Food Psych," the info on the, and Tabitha Farrar and Kayla Kotecki's YT channels.

I know all of this sounds strange and might even scare you (I know it did me), but I promise you learning this stuff and accepting it is a huge part of getting better. I hope things start to look up for you soon. I wish you all the best on your journey towards recovery.

First, so sorry you are struggling. Second, it is wonderful you are here! You are reaching out and you know that is the first step toward recovery.

Food can be an addiction like other addictive substances. It numbs our pain. Yet, it is harder to stay "abstinent" from food than drugs and alcohol because we need to eat to survive.

When I realized I was "addicted" to food, I was years into an eating disorder which made it hard to break my habit. Yet, through perseverence, counseling, God, and support groups and people, I am recovering! You can do it!!! One day at a time, one step at a time.

Changing what I said to myself was one of the first steps. When I read you caption, "Can't stand myself", it reminded me how I USED to think, which led me to binging. Now, I try to think, "I am loving, I am lovable, I am enough, I do not have to be perfect, I can rest, I am all right just the way I am. God loves me." I also try to use HALT when I want to eat. I ask myself, "Am I Hungry? Am I Angry? Am I Lonely? Am I tired?" Then, I decide what I should do. Sometimes, I need to call a friend, take a walk, exercise, take a nap, pray, read my Bible, or go to bed. And sometimes, I need to eat...but moderately. It has been a process, but I am working on it. And working on the other "steps" too.

Hope this helps and please keep posting. HUGS!

Sending you love and prayers. 💖

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