In need of someone who understands

[Jackie3232]

Hi, I was recently diagnosed and it’s been really hard on me. I’m sure it’s been hard for most. I hate my body so much. I lost the weight I wanted + more and I can’t stand how I look however I cant bring myself to eat more and exercise less. If I gain weight I cry for days. However what I’ve lost makes me wanna cry too. I just want to feel pretty again. I don’t know if it’s possible.

[crazycrossstitcher]

I do understand how you feel - for me its like two people - the person who knows they are unwell and underweight and wants to look and feel better - and the person who's too scared to let go of what feels like a safe place to be - I'm getting counselling now which has helped me a lot to break free - they've given me a meal plan for weight restoration alongside the support - and it is the support that has enabled me to eat more and exercise less and I'm now slowly gaining weight - so do seek some help and support - anorexia is an illness and treatment is important if you are going to recover - Anorexia and Bulimia Care and BEAT both have helplines and good websites - so good luck with the journey to recovery (its hard but worth it).

[Hidden]

I understand how you feel. I've made a point to remind myself that any thoughts or habits that lead to engaging in ED behaviors are not coming from me--they are coming from the disorder itself. I think of the ED as a parasite who's only goal is survival--it will do or say anything to survive and get me to engage in behaviors. Calling out those thoughts and separating them from the true self--the self that wants to get better and be healthy--has been very helpful. The more you practice eating more and moving less, over time, your brain begins to trust that these are not scary things. I also would advise against weighing yourself if you can help it. Even at the doctor you can ask to do a blind weigh (standing on the scale with your back turned). In time you may be able to see your weight and not have it result in behaviors, but right now might not be the time.

Another thing that has helped me change my perspective on beauty has been to actively seek out images of larger bodied people. Use social media (IG especially, forums, and YT) to follow accounts solely focused on body positivity, ED recovery, curve and plus models, and Health at Every Size. You have to surround yourself with messages that encourage you to keep going, and show you a diverse range of body types. The ED is giving you a distorted view of what is acceptable. The only caveat I would give to this suggestion is to make sure you are following people who are actually in or working toward full recovery. There a lot of people out there who are in quasi-recovery (I encourage you to look this term up) selling it as full recovery.

It might also help to remember that in recovery your body is changing faster than your mind can keep up. The more you get used to the changes and try to view them without judgement, the more comfortable you will get with it. I hope this novel length answer helps a bit. You can and will get better--it takes time, but I truly believe it is possible to heal.