I am anorexic, and in recovery.
I’m currently at a weight gain plateau, and although the doctors want me to gain a little more, as I’m still underweight, I am no longer in a critical state in which weight gain is necessary to live, so yeah, that’s nice.
But that’s not what I wanted to post about. Not my physical progress, but my mental progress. I was just doing some photo editing, as it’s just nice to transform things, make colours pop and put things in perspective. I suddenly then ran into a mirror selfie of me, clothed. I haven’t yet gotten round to deleting all those ‘thinspo’ photos yet (which I really must do), so at first, I thought it was just another one of those, one of those bodies I craved and worked for, starved for. But upon closer look, it was me. I couldn’t believe it. I cast my mind back to when I took that photo and remember looking at it afterwards with disgust. Thinking I was just so, incredibly ugly and fat. But now when I look at it, I can’t believe I was still walking around, going to rhythmic gymnastics. I can’t believe I was even alive. So no matter what your bulimia or anorexia is saying to you, you are fine. You are not fat. I thought I was fat in that photo. I wasn’t. I wasn’t trying to get thinner, I was literally trying to die, I just didn’t realise it.
And this is a big step for me. No, I’m not happy with my body. I hate it. But I now see what’s wrong with the past me. I don’t want to be days away from death. I don’t want the body I had when my anorexia was at its worst, because that was barely a body. Seeing that photo could have caused a relapse, but it didn’t. It worked like shock therapy does. I’m still struggling to believe that was me.
So please, don’t listen to your eating disorder. It’s lying. It’s death disguised as what society call beauty, like that line from the Taylor Swift song, ‘I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.’ Because that’s what it is. It’s not trying to get you friends, make you popular, make you pretty and skinny. It’s trying to kill you. I know that’s scary. But that’s why we have to get out of its grasp ASAP. As you read this, your eating disorder might be yelling at you, saying ‘that idiot is lying’, ‘don’t listen to her, stop reading NOW’. But don’t listen to it. Because that’s the first step in recovering. If it tells you to only eat three slices of cucumber, eat four. Redefine good and bad days. A good day should be where your eating disorder thoughts are minimal, where you eat as close to normally and healthily as you can. A bad day is where your day is basically just consumed by your eating disorder. Refusing food is not being strong. It’s giving into the eating disorder. Eating is the real challenge. Eating is a show of strength. And I believe you have that strength. You just need to use it.
Anyway, since I’m posting, I’ll give y’all an update on my recovery journey. Emotionally, I’m feeling pretty good most of the time, though I’m down with a bad cold, so that naturally dampens my mood. I’m at a weight gain plateau, got weighed today at therapy, no gain, so I got a side glance from the therapist, but I didn’t lose, so that’s an improvement. I’ve stopped weighing myself, stopped counting calories, although I’m still drawn towards foods that claim to have lower calories. Stopped purging, I am still exercising, but a normal amount, not obsessively.
I hope this may have been helpful?
If it was unhelpful, I’m really sorry, as I had well-meaning intentions.
For some reason I’m super scared about sending this, but I guess I’m going to go for it?