I have been a bulimic for 18 years now and im 31. I have been to treatment twice, first time wast ready, 2nd I was. I am normal size, I don't count calories, I actually eat pretty healthy just out of newish habit. I have always had this thing (flubber) on my tummy that didnt match the rest of me, like i had lost alot of weight or had a baby-which I haven't done either. I have dreampt of a tummy tuck my whole life. I thought that if my "flubber" was gone I would finally be free from ED. I finally went threw with it and chopped "flubber"off hoping and praying that my insanity would stop. Well, it hasnt. Its not about the scale, its not about the calories, and well to my new found knowledge its not about what I look like either. I am floored and pissed and frustrated. My last rehab was 2 years ago to this month. I held strong for about a year and a half and then fell on my face. I hid it bc of embarrassment and then gave in and was honest bc that was the only way in my head that I would every stop. Im incredible at hiding it after 18 years. My point to this is I felt like i had gone long enough to where I was free and not only that chopped off "flubber" as a reassurance of freedom. Today i have cried screamed stared at myself and wanted to reach out but at the same time not bc of fear of being a disappointment. There she goes again, seriously...... So I went to my friend google and this is where I ended up. I know there is no magic pill to make this monster disappear, but please I beg, any suggestions of distractions or thoughts would be forever gratefully listened to.