I now live on my own so no need to keep up any pretence or hide my disorder. I can eat as much as j want and throw up without having to fear that someone will hear me or see me.
My binging and purging has gotten so bad and so out of control that it feels like obsessive eating. I go out to the shops and buy food knowing full well that I will eat it and throw up.
I try to stop myself but feel compelled. I have no control and it’s driving me mad. I have no savings and literally live from hand-to-mouth. My weight is rising so there too I feel like I’m no longer in control. I’m not even successful at purging enough to keep my weight down.
I want to stop this cycle, but I can’t. How do I stop something from that I’ve done for half of my life... I need to get back control and self-control. I just don’t know how.
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Etlyn
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Hi, just wanted to let you know I read your post and can really relate to how you are feeling, being in my forties and having had an undiagnosed eating disorder since being a teen. I only developed bulimia last year after a period of extreme restriction and weight loss but it's the purging I am struggling with the most and the constant obsession with food.
I don't have any magic formula I'm afraid, it's hard and it's a case of going minute by minute for me, breaking the day down, planning food so I don't grab the trigger foods. Are you seeing a therapist/dietician? They can suggest foods that can fill you up to lessen the urges to b/p. ABC have a helpline if you are wanting to change, they are lovely, helpful and can offer practical advice including food ideas from their dietician. They also have a befriending service, giving you weekly support for 6 months and having been offered this service I have found it really helped to see my successes and see the changes I've made over that time, rather than focusing on my daily fails!
Life still offers the same stresses, but having a support network, whether that's friends and family or professionals or through helplines, helps at least manage it to a degree.
I don't know if any of my waffling helps, but just wanted you to have a response. Feel free to message me if it will help and I wish you all the best on the road to recovery, you deserve to be free of it x
Thank you for your response. No one in my life knows about my b/p. I would feel too exposed and watched if I share this with anyone. I do believe I should contact ABC for support. I just need to pluck up the courage to do it. Putting things in writing is one thing. It’s a totally different ballgame to actually SAY it and SPEAK it out loud.
I was never bulimic just totally Anorexic for 40 plus years. It is basically all the same. An eating disorder. I know how you feel. I suggest you open up to family and friends. Get a mental doctor and treatment. You are strong when you ask for help not weak. There is no shame in this mental illness. Mental issues are tough. We go to doctors for cancer and physical illness, the brain is just another organ in your body. NO SHAME for asking for mental help. You can heal the mind I have. You telling others loved ones, friends family is a big step towards recovery. They may not understand your illness but if they listen to you talk about it. That is a huge step for you and them. The healing will come. It will take time so be patient. It has taken me a lifetime to recover it seems. Be strong, I love you. Talk about your illness. It will take a huge weight from your shoulders. I've been there too.
What a hard place to be in - I have been there too. You can beat it - but you need help. Go to your GP and get a referral to an ED service. Also - have blood tests etc - I know from experience how damaging the purge vomit cycle can be on your body and it does need monitoring. As an interim - and not a solution - I found it helpful to write myself a meal plan for the day - and make sure I had activities and contact with other fitted around my meals to help me stop having time to be able to binge or buy extra food. I also made sure I reduced the "stock" in my house - making sure I bought what I needed for the meal plan. You could also ring ABC to get some support as referrals can take for ever (1 year on and still awaiting counselling!)
Thank you for your response. I don’t have much faith in the surgery I’m registered with - the receptionist has decided that whatever I need help with is not urgent enough to warrant an immediate appointment. It takes a lot of courage to make the phone call and to then be told to wait 2 months to even see a doctor is devastating on its own - a confirmation that I don’t matter enough. Then the thought of actually speaking face-to-face with someone about what’s happening is daunting. I need to speak to a doctor when I’m feeling courageous. I go through highs - when I feel I should reach out - and lows when I feel like my existence doesn’t really matter. I’m generally an independent person. I don’t like relying on anybody else.
I will however take your advice and start a food diary/meal plan. There’s no contact required for that, no chance of rejection and no one else to rely on. It’s do-able and non-threatening. Thank you for your advice.
Try ringing ABC - its a confidential helpline - so you don't have the face to face contact and don't even have to give a name - also they have befrienders - phone contact only - I found them really good.
If it's any help ,Hypnotherapy ,anything is worth a try ,eating disorders don't just destroy the person alone ,all those around are affected, that's why it's important to seek help ,my daughter has anorexia nervosa,with professional support and positive attitude has helped her improve ,she will always have this ,but has learnt how to con trol it ,hiding your illness only makes it worse ,and impossible to deal with on your own,there is help out there ,just ask your doctor for help ,
Eating disorders are impossible to fix on your own. They drive you mad, yes. It is the voice in your head. I know. Please ask for mental help and share with those you love. Freedom from an eating disorder is worth millions. No amount of money in this world can compare to the freedom that comes after recovery.
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