Hi can anyone help please. I'm recovering from anorexia binge purge subtype. I was bmi 15 but after day treatment and inpatient and amazing private ED therapist I have steadily increased to bmi 16.6. As a result the crazy crisis of self harm and overdose and binge vomit alcohol has stopped so now I am solely focused on getting rid of anorexia once and for all (its been with me for 25 years ). I am currently having intense outpatient private treatment and my therapists are wonderful but I keep going round and round in circles and really struggle to keep to my meal and exercise plan. My weight had been around 46.5 for about 4 months but a month ago it jumped up to 47.4 and I just couldn't cope so I've been restricting ever since and last week 46.9 and hoping today it's lower. I cannot cope with letting go of anorexia for 2 reasons 1) who am I without it and 2) HOW to cope with a bigger body. It's already hard enough but my therapist wants me to get to bmi 19!! I feel like I will look like a chunky elephant and I want to be tiny and slight and light. Already I feel heavy and uncomfortable and my biggest problem which seems to be an unusual one is coping with breasts. I have always hated my breasts. Before anorexia I was 34D. Anorexia made me a 30B. I'm now 32C and I hate hate hate hate it. But I want to recover from anorexia but then I have to learn to accept having bigger breasts. Please can anyone help as I'm so unhappy.
Thank you
healthunlocked.com/anorexia...
^ I just found this blog post and thought it may be helpful to you. Just like this post points out, your eating disorder has convinced you that being a healthy weight is something that is 'bad' and scary. This is entirely untrue and you will find once you have settled at your natural healthy weight that you feel much more energised/ stronger/ better able to function, and it is actually much less scary than you percieve it to be. I also was uncomfortable with puberty kicking in/ giving me curves. I have found that because I spent so much time focussing on my body and my illness, I ignored the other things in my life that made me happy. This meant that my perception of myself and my illness were magnified and took up way more energy than all the other things, which seems the same for you. If you try to put more energy into work/ family/ friends/ hobbies then you may be able to reduce how much you put into your illness, which will reduce how much importance you put on your appearence. It would also be beneficial to investigate with a therapist why you want to be 'slight and light', why you think you cannot be this at a healthy weight, and why it is so important to you. What do you think this will bring to your life? You have had this illness for a long time so presumably you know that no matter how low your weight drops your illness will never be satisfied. Is it really YOUR goal to be slight, or is it the disorder? Try to think about the bigger picture and how you can do meaningful things in your life to be happy, and recognise that it is highly unlikely that you can do all those things with your illness dominating. I know from experience that it is easier said than done, but your life will be put on hold for the sake of persuing thinness. Is that really what you want, or whay the illness wants? I am only speaking as a recovered anorexic so I cannot give a professional opinio, but I hope that you can address some of this with your team and that you manage to find the motivation to recover for good