This is my first post on here after finding this website upon trying to search for answers regarding my own struggle.
I am a 22 year old man and would now be considered 'thin' to most but to myself I am classed as over weight. I was bullied a lot through school for being fat and right up until my last year of education I decided to stop eating any form of food until I could feel myself about to pass out to which I would allow myself a bowl of cereal which I would then later proceed to 'purge' I guess.
This carried on between me being age 16/18 and I lost drastic weight which in my eyes was cool as I no longer got weight comments apart from how thin I was, a complete change from the comments on how fat I was.
This stopped when I was 18, I struggled to get a good diet back until I took up going to the gym and getting a personal trainer. I gained a good amount of weight and started building muscle which I enjoyed. I no longer thought about starving myself of even being sick after eating.
This carried on up until I was 21, not religious body building but a good amount to keep my body in a shape I was content with until last year I had some crazy things happen (Just a few to mention: My close friend hung herself and had her pictures leaked all over the internet, I was involved in the Manchester bomb attack and seen some things I cannot forget, My dog was poised by someone still unknown and passed, My Grandfather passed away and My life style & job was forced to change due to family matters). This has since thrown my whole mental state out the window. I went through a rough patch of just thinking about death 24/7 which I got told was normal for someone who had been around so much death. I have since begun to always have death in my mind. I think about everything with the 'I'm probably going to die soon anyway' mind set. This has been slowly getting better with time, Until I moved out from my parents place in January to my own place. I have come to learn I am my own enemy. The past couple of months I have become so recluse and I have realised how much people do not actually want to check in with me. With all this going on I decided I would stop myself eating again. If I do eat I cannot bear the guilt in my mind and have to make myself sick right after. Sometimes its fun and I think of it as the best life 'hack' ever, I feel control over my body and get to eat what I want without the consequence of gaining weight. Sometimes I make myself sick purely because I have had a bad day mentally and come across some a**holes in work, which is hard because there is not usually food in my stomach to throw up. It really depends.
I always seen my 'phase' as a teenager being just that, a phase. I never imagined it to reoccur or come back. I have little to no energy most of the time now and have many other problems which I think relate to me being stuck in this cycle.
This problem usually seems at hand sometimes I plan a meal and tell myself I don't need to be sick after, but once I have eaten its like a whole other part of my brain overrides everything else and HAS to purge. I have since lost a drastic amount of weight and am back to hating my body again. All my hard work has gone and I feel like I am in an endless pit!
I am in hope someone on this website has experience something similar? Is this Bulimia?