I'm hoping someone out there might be able to relate and offer some advice. I'm feeling a bit paralysed at the moment and not sure what move to make.
A little background. I've had an ED for 15 years, I'm now 27. I have been through periods of recovery on and off but have been in a relapse for the last 2 years. I have AN with some purging behaviours, but not to the extent that it was when I was bulimic through university.
I have maintained an underweight BMI for these 2 years and have managed to keep it fairly 'stable', but I'm starting to feel that push to get into real recovery finally. I don't want to keep living in fear of gaining a pound and I'm tired of the obsessive cyclical thoughts around food and my body. I have a family and work to do and I don't want this taking up my headspace for the rest of my life.
Having said that, I'm terrified of gaining weight and as all of these recovery steps are entirely self-motivated (I live far from family and don't have anyone around me who's all that concerned about my health or is aware of my ED), I need to build up the push within myself to make steps forward.
I can't afford therapy or much professional help (I live in South Africa and don't have health insurance so private specalist help is way out of my budget), but I recently emailed a dietitian about coming in for a few sessions to maybe get a meal plan and get some accountability on the food side of things. I started doing online EDA meetings to get support and asked for a sponsor. It looks like the plan could be to see a GP for a checkup on the physical side, see the dietitian to get a meal plan to try to get myself to follow, and then accept the support from sponsor and start working the steps/giving up control and letting go as best as I can.
I know all the theoretical stuff around this but I feel stuck on taking this next step. As soon as I spoke to the dietitian my head went crazy with these thoughts of, must lose x more before appointment, must lose x before I see a doctor because I'll be weighed there in clothes etc, must be sick enough to validate getting this help. I'm terrified of being brushed off or dismissed by professionals because of experiences in the past with my GP in england. I'm sure some of you can relate to that... I know it's all irrational, but the thoughts are POWERFUL and so I've actually found myself getting worse in terms of the behaviour now that I've thought about recovery. Instead of maintaining as I have been I now feel a push to lose weight.
I'm not sure where this is going but I just wanted to get it off my chest as it's really weighing on me and tiring me out. I haven't made any appointments yet and I don't know what to do really. Part of me thinks I should give up and go back to just not worrying about recovery or support and just try to maintain and be stable again.
Thanks for reading if you made it to the end. <3