I Have an Eating Disorder... and So Does My Friend

[AndreaTan]

I have an eating disorder, and so does my friend.

The difference is she purges but barely eats (doesn't purge that often anymore), while I try not to eat too much. And, I feel like a failure as a girl with an eating disorder because she lost so much weight and eats less than 300 calories a day while I tend to eat around 600. And, whenever I try to recover, I immediately want to restrict again because I see how little she eats.

She's 5"1 and used to be 46 kg and is now 39-40 kg. I know it's bad but I'm jealous since I've only lost around 1.5 kg and I tend to overeat during the weekends.

I don't want to tell her this because our friendship has been through so much and has survived many struggles. But, despite how many times I've denied it to her, she's my trigger. She's the reason why I first started losing weight, and why I don't want to get better. She makes me feel like my eating disorder isn't serious because she lost weight and I haven't (at least, nothing noticeable). And that, as much as I try not to think about it, I feel like I will never recover if she's there, because she'll be a constant reminder that I failed as someone with an eating disorder (because I barely lost weight), and that she's so much better than me (grades, charisma, talents, etc.).

I'm not sure if this is related but, I like this guy in church (I'm 15, he's 20). It's just a happy crush, and sometimes I think that I don't really like him, but maybe I just want to get close to him (as a best friend or elder brother). One time, I was hanging out with him at church, and for the first time, I felt confident and not awkward (I'm really awkward). And, my best friend wasn't there. When she was, I felt like I was lying to her because I was acting differently around him (but I also felt happy and that maybe people will actually like me, not just because I'm her best friend).

What do I do? She's been through so much, and I'm the only one she trusts. I know that she needs me, and even though I don't tell her, I know she needs me more than I need her. Help?

[HenC]

You need to sit down and talk to her about it. Maybe letting her know how much her disorder affects people around her will convince her to change for the better. Stay strong!

[Kessa]

Hey,

I used to feel the same around some friends. Don't let your eating disorder fool you. Eating disorders can be very competitive. We see a skinny girl and want to be skinnier and all this stuff.

I know it's hard but you are not a failure and no matter the weight you lose you are sick enough and you are simply good enough. You are enough, no matter how much you lose. Sometimes it's even our body who can rect differently to starvation or binges. One time i used to restrict very severely and didn't lose so much weight because my metabolism was slowing down due to the restriction. It just stopped going down. I felt a failure too. But you are not.

I know it must be so hard not comparing and listening to the healthy voice. You are perfect just the way you are.

Well maybe it's true that she needs you, but i also think you cannot be a good friend if you cannot take care of yourself first. If she's a bad influence/trigger for you you have to find a way so that this friendship doesn't do more harm to you. Sometimes we just need to be healthy first to be there for others. If you feel the need to distanciate from her don't feel guilty. I mean you couldn't help neither of you if you are unhealthy and triggered. Or you could talk to her as others were saying. Of course you love her and you are a good friend but you could explain that you feel triggered right now and you need your space. She might feel the same about you. I

I don't know maybe you could fight that voice together since you both know how hard it is you could stick together but to fight the demons instead of competing

[TPepper]

Hello,

I say that maybe you need to be selfish and focus on your wellbeing. If she is a trigger, and I know this is hard, you may need to sort of cut her out for a bit. Or maybe, you could both try and engage in treatment together and get help?

[mysmugcat]

I understand. May I ask if you are in the UK? I was anorexic as a teenager.