Hi guys.
I am 20 years old. I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost 3 years. I'm so upset that ive gotten to the point of even thinking harming my body is okay. Before I began having a problem, I was a little overweight for my height. I'm only 4'10 and weighed 110 pounds. I healthily got down to 97 pounds just with structured eating and by watching what I snack on. (I had pasta everyday!!). After, I was so proud of myself and ended up losing another 4-7 pounds. I was really happy at around 90-92 pounds. I was healthy but the obsession to keep it that way caused me to turn to eating disorder habits.
I first restricted calories. Then I started binging and purging where I ended up gaining all the weight back! I decided I had to stop and just started eating a little better and working out and I lost the weight. However, I continued to lose. I stopped binging but not purging. at my lowest, I was about 74-76 pounds. It scared me. I began fixing my eating again by eating a small breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a snack of smoothie and quest bar to heighten the calorie count. I ended up gaining 6-8 pounds.
Today, I am at 84 pounds so I don't look malnourished or underfed. All I want is to be 90-92 lbs with a healthy, normal lifestyle. I purge maybe twice a week but I only eat one meal a day bc I've noticed that's all I can take without gaining. I've determined I need 1400-1600 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. I'm just afraid that my metabolism has slowed so much that once I start eating normal again, I'll keep gaining after the preferred 6-8 pounds. I know it's about being healthy and not skinny.
My boyfriend knows everything I've gone through and has been by my side through it all. He's helping me and we've set rules for me so that if I start feeling uncomfortable after I eat to immediately let him know by using a safe word so he can talk me down out of my bad state of mind. It's worked and I don't purge as much as I used to. Heck, I barely do it at all (maybe 1 or 2 times a week) But I'm not eating as much as my body needs. Anyone have any words of advice or experience? How was it for you? Does the gaining ever stop and maintaining begin?
