Hello! I am not sure is the topic appropriate for this forum. I just want to share my story dealing with eating disorder and suicidal thoughts. I am not an native English speaker, so excuse my errors.
In my teens I was a top of my class and had a lot of hobbies, like playing music, writing fantasy stories, creating computer games e.t.c. However I always had some problems with communication skills and never used to take part in a social life. I was a "Bella Swan type" of girl, a kind of shy introverted dreamer with akward movements. I have a quite authoritarian father, who always hates when something going against his will and honestly I've always been a bit afraid of him.
I've never been really fat, however when I lost a bit of my weight during the summer holidays some of my classmates and teachers noticed that and complimented me. Since that time I decided, that weight loss could really help me to become more popular and I got really obsessed with my eating and weight. Firstly my diet looked quite reasonable, I just practised healthy eating and working out and felt very proud of results I'd achieved, but than I started to cut size of my portions more and more until finally I went with just an apple per day.
At first my father behaved quite supportive towards me. He told me something like: "I don't think you really need all those diets. You are not fat all, you look good". Than he told me that some people who don't really need to loose weight can spoil their metabolism with constant dieting and than gain a lot of weight after they start eating normally. Unfortunately his words had an exactly opposite effect on me and I decided that "dieting forever" is much better option than risking to become fat.
When I became way too skinny my fathers changed his tactics and started to "help" me in a quite agressive way. He tried to force feed me. He gave me some food and punished me if I refused to eat. He left me without any pocket money and sometimes he even beat me. I had a lot of argues with him and once he took a camera and filmed how I cried and refused to eat. He threatened me that if I don't eat this video will become public. This method worked, since public humilation is a worst nightmare for me.
At that point I lost my periods, constantly felt cold, had a low blood preasure and became an easy victim for infections. Each time I tried to eat I felt a pain in my stomach. I lost all my hobbies and thought only about my weight, I also lost most of my friends and felt really isolated and depressed. I wanted to die and often thought about suicide.
Once my father caught me on lie. He found that I hided some food that he thought that I eat. He became really angry and said that he hates liers and don't want to see me anymore. I went to my room, took a knife and tried to end my miserable life. I cuted my hand just a little bit, I felt some pain and saw blood and that stoped me. I asked myself if I really wanted to do this. I thought that I wanted to die, but there were something inside me that just didn't let me to act like this. I just sat and cried. I understood that the small cut I made wasn't any dangerous, but I felt too weak to go further.
Suddenly my father came. He was shocked, he screamed something like: "What are you doing, stupid girl!" took off a knife and tied my hands with belt. He beat me and yelled at me, he said, that I am a really terrible and egoistic person and didn't even think how much I hurted my parents. Than he calmed down, said that I need some rest and sedated me with mild natural drugs. When I woke up after this I felt guilty, but in the same time I felt some kind of relief, I don't know why.
Soon after that day I finally agreed to visit a therapist and started my ED treatment. I fought for two years and had a lot of ups and downs, but there was a moment when I suddenly felt myself free and able to not to care that much about me weight. I gained to a healthy weight, but I've never get fat and always stayed slim, even throught I don't restrict myself anymore.
