I am Angel and I have a story to tell...
I am here to tell you that you cannot be recovered from anorexia. You can be in recovery but it will never get to a point where you are recovered. You will fight every day to manage it and navigating life while starving purging or over exercising is much better for you than knowing what I learnt on my attempt to recover.
I had been suffering over 30 yrs had always struggled with food and eating controlling it from a young age. It was only when I saw things I'm my own children and by reversing the effects starving has on distracting the brain from real underlying problems that I started to recall things that happened that made me anorexic.
I lived a long time with my behaviour normalised so for a long time didn't notice I ate strangely. When things got very bad and I was very underweight I was told I was crazy and made to feel I was bad for upsetting everyone but you know what. ..It was never my fault and anorexia was my survival sounds ironic I know as it can make you very ill but it saved me too.
I was born into a family where they'd all been abused and neglected...I was there someone they could abuse neglect and bully to make themselves feel in control like they were the boss of someone. I have learnt to forgive because they only did yo me what was done to them and the generation before them and you could go back forever.
I realised that when you are abused like that as a child you take control of something and for me that was food. If hurt no one but me really it protected me helped me dissociate from what was happening that I was too young to comprehend or change and also bear in mind a body is geared for pleasure as a child I only knew it felt nice in some way not that it was wrong.
I guess that's where anorexia really took hold. Starved minds are good at forgetting and blocking painful memories. The focus of weight loss the weighing food and counting calories and exercisin served as a huge distraction from the reality of what happened to me that I had no trust in anyone no one to talk to. I withdrew into myself couldn't see a future the anorexia took hold it was mine...my secret would stop me falling pregnant, protect me from unwanted attention...friends,family or potential partners.
When I was 25 I was fed up of the isolated life anorexia provided. I got sucked in by someone who knew anorexia meant I was vulnerable and the drew me into a relationship with them. I didn't know anorexia made me vulnerable I thought I was fat so couldn't comprehend that he could look at me and know I was a vulnerable anorexic. I thought I hid it well but I was niave.
Quite soon into the relationship he wanted a baby I said no. I couldn't have handled that. Eating? Looking after ski? Getting a big belly! !! I had blocked all memories of abuse but now looking back something that happened should have rung alarm bells...They didn't because it happened when I was a child thought it happened to a children but I was blocking it all from my concious mind with my secret preoccupation with eating and losing weight.
Now I'm not saying we all have the same experience to make us anorexic but I have to tell you what I learnt.
Born into abusive family...uncles, grandparents too I was watched constantly. ..who might I befriend. ..talk to. ..tell? I was on my own.
Anorexia helped me get by but once older I realised I had repeated my relationship patterns as a child with others. I see this now and realise as I child o must have seem no future...how would I work be around people when I was terrified they might abusee too...how would I have healthy relationships when my parental blueprint relationships were based on lies, abuse and neglect.
Now all these years later endless hour's of therapy and removing myself from the anorexic protection I am back where I started seeing starving as a way out...an end because to navigate the real world is daunting enough but as an anorexic it is more so
Your life gets paused
..pick up later on and you are chronologically older but missed out on the day to day life experiences and mistakes and achievements which mould you and make you strong and confident in yourself.
Now I have sort of caught up but am exhausted. I find myself jobless and unable to trust enough to be anywhere long enough to work. Even college courses make me wary. All these realisations left me living in fear just as I did as a child and sometimes I think that the anorexia served as a cushion for life's harsh realities made too hard to manage by fear.
Now I am not afraid but know I am vulnerable through no fault of my own. So the walls close in once again as they did age 11.
Living as an anorexic is he'll ish but I read once that to start to eat would provoke fear but that living in fear was something that recovering anorexics would have to accept. At the time it made no sense and now it does I wonder why such a book promotes recovery at all because to live like this is not what we are alive for and to live some half life alongside anorexia is a much better outcome than to live without her because you will be lucky to meet someone to replace her and if you do like I did it'll hurt even more to think you might lose them whereas ana is in you and won't leave you on your own ...not ever so I know it's hard not to see it as a problem to fix but she is there potentially fixing unknown problems you've blocked out and once those cans of worms are open you'll have more to worry about that weight.
Please take care
If you have no children get help ASAP if older and in a relationship and there are childten stay anorexic as it is helping you cope deep down.
I learnt too much and it ruined everything.
Future. ..what future
Hope. ..its the size of a pinhead now