I never write, or say much openly about what's going on with me, i hardly know, 'i should be better by now' but desperate is i. Anyway. My situation is; i'm 33, always struggled or had an unhealthy attachment to food; corrupted mind, with a body that's still like a separate and disgusting/ distressing 'thing'. Anorexic to the point of needing hospialised when i was in my teens (driven by disturbance with changes/ judgment, numbers, choices, want to disappear, control/focus etc.)... ongoing although morphed more into the hell that be bulimia at 17-ish when adulthood began to overwhelm (much less of a concern than being critically underweight with anorexia though i've been told... bulimia: failure) I've never managed remission from this apart from (forced) during a eight week stint in 12 step rehab for that with the combination of alcohol dependence/ abuse 7 or so years ago... (carried on going to 12 step meetings but found them deeply unsettling, backwards and traumatic in many ways so no longer; more tut-tut... but haven't returned to using alcohol like i did... inevitable according to AA and still a concern). I was diagnosed with aspergers, or as autistic, two years ago, before that it was that borderline personality disorder shame (i think 'they' should really stop telling people their personality is disordered, and call it complex trauma, but anyway) Depression and anxiety have long been chronic... forever cycling. I remember feeling detached and dissociating as early as five years old... much crying for 'no reason'. I've been back living with my parents for two years too after everything seemed to breakdown yet again... couldn't feign 'okay-ness' and obsessively suicidal yet again, the 'support' i was getting was... backwards and harmful. I've made five pathetic attempts at overdose in the past but became fixed on the idea that the slow, painful, disgraceful death by eating disordered-ness, addiction and failure would be more fitting. Pathetic. If they brought in assisted suicide i'd feel i ought to, and as enough already. I feel like an absolute burden, pain, all-the-bad-stuff on my family who are all super lovely, relatively 'high achieving' and well functioning/ stable/ not self-and-all destructive... my 'over' sensitivity, confusion/ vulnerability, growing up believing that i'm fundamentally wrong, difficult, awkward, think too much... a proper weirdo blah blah blah, with so many consecutive failures, how on earth can i recover... into what? I feel far from acceptable; able to be independent, resilient, productive, not-sensitive to awful injustices, inequalities, the widespread hate etc. out there, especially in society and world as it is, and be able not to be haunted by a rather traumatic past and reality. My fault though i accept... recovery failure. Not respectable.
Anyway... shame shame shame, such pathetic-ness hence why i don't say much. Presently; i am feeling completely lost, without hope, done-in. I don't connect with many others, when i do i find i go further downwards/ triggered... find eating disorder 'support' misses the point... still much focus on BMI and connecting with others. I've put on a lill' weight over the past few months due to lazy bulimia-ing but although i'm meant to have more energy/ feel better, my body is in constant pain, exhausted, a wreak... and i'm ever more depressed/ disgusted with self.
I'm seeing a CPN, eating disorder therapist, OT, dietitian, peer support worker (third sector), been involved with collective advocacy (refreshed hope for a while), live on a farm, surrounded by nature and wildlife (a source of faith), 'okay' for money (welfare benefits: more shame; scrounger/waster)... so; i am extremely privileged/ spoiled. I try and try to do, don't do boredom, 'need to be productive anxiety', used to do clay work and other 'creative stuff' but applying myself in anyway brings up so much distress/ not relaxing... it doesn't seem to get easier at all. 'Tis life though; not easy for anyway... i just need to sort myself out. I just do not get it; the being 'okay' with being, bearing the emotional distress and pain. Medication doesn't touch it. Mediation seems haunted. The reality of how i feel and am is disturbing, gross and terrifying... so just not sure what to do. I spend most of my time trying to get through each moment, doing what i've learned should help, trying not to care about how i'm perceived or judged, but when it comes to eating, communicating, doing, thinking and being... i panic and default/ give up/ escape. Recovery failure. I used to work until three years ago (paid employment though still do voluntary), be in (mostly unstable due to me being too intense/ unwell) relationships... but would never want to have children or put anyone through being with me in a relationship... for the burden i be, despite how much i'm reassured i'm otherwise (the ex was somewhat emotionally abusive but what do i know... i'm the diagnosed crazy one so, i blame myself). I often think of running to the hills but can barely look after myself and have tried many geographical changes before... any attempt to has led to downfall... some of which is explained by being autistic but i'd just always put it down to being pathetic, useless, stupid, irresponsible, lazy, a disgrace etc etc etc but again... a diagnosis doesn't change the reality although it's meant to help me to lay off myself a bit as my self-criticism and shame in being has been the focus of much therapy. Anti self-compassion is i though.
So... sorry, i do harp on rather a lot. All or nothing... blah. Thank you though if you read through this though. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Best.
