Hi all, this is my first post on here but by the title hopefully you can tell what this is about and might be able to give some advice.
I've suffered from anorexia nervosa for the last 3 and a half years. The weight loss and obsession was gradual until my weight dropped to an incredibly low amount and my BMI is dangerously low. I started seeking help in November 2015, forced to by my mum and parents and have since received an unbeliveable amount of support from family friends and colleagues, its been eye opening. The medical side of things has taken a lot longer to get anywhere with on the NHS but I've started seeing doctors and have been given a range of group therapies to attend which will become more frequent after exams have finished. Yet despite all of this support I'm seriously struggling to get anywhere with the weight gain. I've hovered around gaining 2-3lb then lost it again as what I find I keep doing is monitoring dieting and exercising then eating more than usual one day and going back to dieting losing what I had gained. And today, the first time ever I collapsed in college and was sent home. I was told to eat but had no idea what to and ended up with eating sandwiches, crackers, peanut butter, a cupcake and chocolates, all fear foods of mine and now I feel sick and want to go back to dieting and its a constant cycle. I keep thinking I'll just go back to my beginning weight even though its too low and then start putting on like this will effect where the weight will go but I know it doesn't work like that. And I'm really scared because other than the weight loss this is the first physical effect I've suffered. Despite all the support I've received and the encouragement I keep telling myself to just lose weight. I feel sort of like in limbo where I'm still controlling my diet, convinced I'm putting on weight yet the scales only go up minimally and then back down again. I just don't know what to do. I want to recover yet at the same time I don't and if Im put on a diet plan I know how to get round eating so this won't be of any use. I'm really stuck with what to do and scared if this continues I'll start to suffer from other symptoms because my body just cant cope. I'm disgusted at myself for eating so much which is why I want to diet now but in a couple weeks when I go through it all again this is just going to continue. How do I get over this fear of gaining and actually keeping the weight on. I haven't gone up enough for it to properly start showing but to me I just feel huge and gross and want to start doing more exercise now that I am eating more. Does anyone else feel or has felt like this and how did you get past it? Half my mind is in the right place but the other half is still controlling these thoughts and ideas. Any advice will be so very appreciated!