Do I deserve this?

I've had anorexia n bulimia since I was 17. There was a period of 4years which I compensated for the feelings I had where I drank too much. I've been sober now 9years this August. Before that my dad has never wanted me, I've never even met him. The last time he saw me was when mum walked out of the marriage when I was 3mth old due to his petty nasty behaviour such as leaving the kettle at home but taking the flex to work with him. I was bullied at school since I was 4yrs old. And at 13 mum was told that the school couldn't guarantee my safety. I left then n never went back. Got my gcses at college. I met my then future husband at 17 and he was physically and emotionally abusive, he even raped me on holiday. I'm now divorced. That's why I started drinking. I should say in 33 now. My anorexia and bulimia has got steadily worse. I was put in a ed hospital 18mth ago. It's now looking like I'm going to b going back soon. However my nana died in Jan and my uncle has never liked me but yesterday he blamed me for her death even tho she's had dementia and called me a piece of crap and when mum said I was ill and could die at any moment he shrugged his shoulders and laughed at her. He also said that I brought it all on myself and I deserve it. Do I? Am a a wrong Un? I've always thought I'm useless and pathetic so maybe he's right. I've only eaten a cup of soup and a small slice of toast today. I just feel like giving up and maybe the world would b better off. What's the point in trying to get better when ur own family think that of u? Why did I bother getting sober? I should of just drank myself to death n prove everybody right. Im not telling u this cos I want sympathy cos I don't. I saying this cos if I don't tell someone I'll explode and I haven't got anybody else to tell. So please don't feel like I want a reply or I'm wallowing in self pity I just needed to get it out my head xx

5 Replies

  • Oh vickyjane7 😟 that's just soo sad. Can I  just say to you ~ YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.  Well done for getting sober ~ it took alot of courage to even write that, sometimes it does help getting "things" off your chest.  Thinking of you. 💚

  • I cannot imagine how you feel with all that has happened to you - BUT - getting better - stopping drinking - they should be for YOU not a matter of what anyone else wants for you - I'm sad that you don't value yourself - please don't let the values others have placed on your life rule how you live any longer - conquer the anorexia and drink issues for yourself - show those who think you're "crap" just how strong and beautiful and talented you are - please do consider contacting a helpline - I know ABC would give you confidential and good support and advice.

  • I've sorted the drink out 9years ago and never had a drink since. That was easy compared to this x

  • NO ONE deserves that. You have been through so much and in my opinion you are so BRAVE to still be standing today. Things will get better. Just believe it and it will. Pursue what you love. Keep FIGHTING. STAY STRONG. xx

  • I am sorry. My mum getting on my wick now and in the past. We all deserve to be healthy. Pm me anytime. There are ppl that care.

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