After what I thought was a recovery from my worries about food, I'm finding myself much worse than before. I've worried about my weight for years, but this is the first time I've actually tried to lose weight. I'm limiting my calorie intake to 1400 a day, but even then I constantly worry about miscounting, and feel guilty if I have something for pudding, even if it's as part of the 1400 calories. I still eat 3 meals a day, though I usually only have soup or something for lunch, sometimes with bread. Irrational things are starting to worry me, like the fact that my diet appears healthy to others, even though I know it's undereating; I feel I'm not limiting my food enough if it looks okay to an outsider. If I'm having takeaway or a large meal, I won't eat anything else for that day. I can't eat snacks without feeling awful- the other day I was given a free sample of soup, and even that made me start to panic.
Weight wise, I'm a few pounds under 8 stone (having lost these few pounds in the last couple of months) though my weight seems to fluctuate (which greatly upsets me). I'm trying my best not to give in to all this, as I have a family member with anorexia and know how devastating it can be, but if I don't restrict my food I feel terrible. I even have nightmares about eating "too much".
The weird thing is, I don't even really want to be thinner. I'm transgender, so I want a more male body, but not a slimmer one.
I just don't know what to do about this all. I already have so many problems with mental health, and I hate that eating is becoming an issue as well.