Complete internal battle

I've had anorexia for 10years and within that time I've always maintained an 'underweight' stature. Enough to keep on doing life but also succumbing to my ED. All us sufferers know that the internal battle never goes away, but I've managed to cope by surviving on 1000cals a day, eating the same thing, same routine etc etc.

Since enduring on yet another trip in Thailand (I have been travelling for 2yrs) I've been dropping the restrictions. I hate myself for this but even just by eating 500cals more a day more or less and having carbs etc i have gained 3kgs in 2months. in truth some days I went back to restricting and then some days I've completely blown out. But I'm now literally terrified that I'm going to continue to gain weight despite that I'm still not eating that much compared to ppl around me who eat 'normally' I'm so miserable and it feels unfair that ppl can eat three meals a day and not gain a pound...why I am???

I have this battle inside 'am I kidding myself, am I eating more than I think' or 'has my body gone into storage mode?'

What should I do? I don't want to end up overweight! I'm almost at bmi 18 which has been the dreaded number in my head for 10years.

It's so hard for me to keep track of what I'm eating that I feel depressed enough to just want to fly home...yet I'm meant to be embarking on the next big adventure of Australia. I hope nobody thinks I'm being pro Anna! I'm not!! I wish this damned illness away but every time I fight it (by gaining weight and turning negative thoughts into positive etc etc) I feel it gets even stronger and then I want to retreat.

Will I ever learn to live my body? My obsessions and dismorphia are ruining my life.

Ps I have also not been able to get my medication here (I take Sertraline) so I know my mood is low for that reason too.

2 Replies

  • Great that you're sharing - and amazing that you're coping travelling like this - I think you are really brave. Even a BMI of 18 is the lowest "normal" level - so you've still a way to go. I found as I increased my intake my weight did increase - basically because I was "starved" before. Are you alone on your travels or do you have anyone around you that you can talk to - I know how scary this is - but I was amazed when I shared my problems with a few "select" friends - how many of them struggled (on a lesser scale) with food issues - or knew of someone with anorexia - and it really helped to have a bit of understanding and support. Getting rid of the anorexic mind-set is a huge battle - and I found I did need professional help with this - so a trip to a GP might be a thought for the future - but I guess as your travelling this would be a problem right now.

  • Hi bumblebee :) Travelling hey?!?!?! Well you need a counsellor, you get that, is there that service online???? Australia has huge portions of food - we have the fattest children in the world :( order entree or everything cut in half (I do this all the time with my partner ) That number is not "bad" Please keep getting well

    I completely agree with crazycrosssticher, :):) Congratulations! I hear what you're saying about the weight gain, it will be alright. ALways in life someone is prettier, slimmer, richer, more toned - please try your hardest not to compare yourself to others :( Have you heard of the sunscreen song?? Download it now!!! (so I just grabbed the the cd - it says Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) Mix - Australia is ridiculously hot in February - wear sunscreen ♡♡♡

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