*sigh* okay... i really dont remember much because my memory is a little foggy.. but growing up i was always the skinny one, out of all my siblings. It wasnt until i was 13 when i started putting on some weight. It really didnt even bother me really until i hit the age of 15. I always got these, not so positive comments, which made my self esteem go on an all time low. I started noticing extra weight in all the wrong places. I hated it. That's when i started starving myself to lose that little extra weight.... and once i started losing some weight and saw how everyone was noticing, i just loved it. I was starving myself for about a year or so... in and out of course. I would have episodes of eating anything and everything all at once and i felt disgusted but never could i make myself vomit. I would just brush it off and say "i just wont eat" in order to keep myself from putting on the weight. Once i was 16..17.. i got really sick and whenever i would eat my stomach would hurt terribly... to the point of making me cry dramatically. I went to the doc. And he said it was some type of bacteria i had in my stomach and it would gradually turn to some type of cancer... i still didnt care... i loved having a legit excuse to not be able to eat. I rarley ate and exericized alot. I remember being horribly scared everytime i would go to the doc. And having the nurse weigh me. I was terrified of the numbers. But through out everything... never did i lose much weight or even gain any. I just stayed at the same place... 120ib. Right now, im doing okay i guess.. im 19. 4'11 and i weigh 115. Lowest ive been. I remember last year something just triggered in my brain. Since i was starving myself but still wasnt happy about my body... i began to exercise AND eat healthy.. i stopped starving myself... but not completely.... from last year till today... i still starve myself here and there and when i eat , i try to eat healthy. There is always this little voice in my head telling me not to eat because im going to gain weight , eating unhealthy and healthy. Sometimes i cant make myself eat a full meal, sometimes i can but i feel disgusted. I still cant force myself to throw up.. i did, ONCE, but it was just some gooey clear stuff... idk after that i couldnt.. i just perferred starving myself... im aware that im not skin and bones and im not on the fat or chubby side either... im just there... but i still hate it... i really have no idea where im going with this... and i realize this "story" or whatever... is jumping from place to place , not really making any sense... all i know is, i think i need some help?