there is no hope for recovery when you realise that it protected you from painful truths, the fact you never had anyone there for you and were abused and betrayed by your own family leading to a deep mistrust of anyone and anything and that anorexia became your everything, your go to support, confidant and best friend and mother and lover all in one protecting you from the need to have them as real life living and breathing ones. recovery won't heal a dysfunctional family that refuse to see a problem to take any part responsiblity for it's development or continuation. it won't make you suddenly able to have a caring family or genuine friends or a lover. it leaves you at the point of no choice but to escape as it did the point you took the road to self destruct to escape that life.
i guess i realised this as a child and my starting to control food and attempted to starve to death to escape this reality...obviously years of ed behaviour and rituals protected me from this reaslisation but now after attempting recovery i see that it isn't real, i cannot magically make my family supportive or not make myself not vulnerable to users and abusers. it makes you think about the point of being alive again.
it is easy to see an ed as destructive and isolating by from my experience i can tell you that is the case in recovery anyway. i had no idea what i protected me from. think twice before you give up your ed and scratch beneath the surface to find the truth behind your anorexia as i can tell you as in my experience you might find yourself like me...i am just as isolated and misunderstood at a healthier weight than i was very underweight. the underlying issues are the real problem and for me can they ever change...
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newn
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I was so saddened to read your post - the desperation and isolation you feel - I cannot imagine your pain - but I can hear it resonating in every word - I suggest you seek some counselling for those deeper issues - I know from painful experience it is only by delving into the pain - crying a great deal - and receiving guidance from trained professionals - that you can begin to come out of that dark place - controlling weight is always a symptom - and true recovery only comes when properly trained professionals work alongside you to not only help you deal with gaining/losing weight - but also resolving - or helping you come to terms with - the issues that are the cause of the problem. I do pray you will find the help you need so that you will truly be able to "recover" - not just "look" recovered on the surface. Push for proper help - however hard it is to get it - it will be worth it - you are worth it.
i have got some help.. i have been lucky enough to met someone that got me this far. i guess it the realisation that that support is what i never got before and probably won't have longer term in the future that seems to make me think long term relapse is inevitable
i let go of the hurt and pain and betrayal that promoted my developing and maintaining an ed for so long and i can forgive and that is all fine.
the problem seems to be i have woke up in an adult body, with adult responsibilites with minimal life experience other than distraction techniques from day to day life stuff i can't cope with and have no support with. i have to make decisions day to day to do not feel in a position to take or make i am like a floundering child going uh uh uh too much too much too much. i guess it is like the ed paused my life, i unpaused for a bit and tried to catch up but now i am like woah hang on stop! overload
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