Something to think about. .. - Talk ED (eating d...

Talk ED (eating disorders)

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Something to think about. ..

la-la-la profile image
4 Replies

at some point in order to recover you have to give up your eating disordered behaviours to find out what the real issues are or admit them to someone. Letting go of food and weight control is the start of the story. I know you think you can't eat, can't eat more or eat without over exercising, purging or punishing yourself somehow mentally, physically by cutting or turning drugs or alcohol maybe but it is fear that holds you back...

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

It is the way to freedom and coming alive :)

Love & light

Lala

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la-la-la
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Thanks for that - its the "how do you give up" I struggle with - when the thoughts are so strong - and as a long term sufferer - I don't know what not having anorexia is - whenever I've stopped monitoring my food intake my weight has dropped - and now my husband is eating the same as I do and exercising to lose weight - trying to increase my eating while decreasing exercise feels completely impossible.

la-la-la profile image
la-la-la in reply to crazycrossstitcher

Hello

I totally get it. ..

It is the "how do you give up" I struggle with - when the thoughts are so strong - and as a long term sufferer - I don't know what not having anorexia is

I could have written that myself a couple of years ago and now looking back I am overwhelmed, amazed and utterly bewildered as to quite how I have come so far and achieved what I have so far.

I guess I was resigned to it. I had sought help on and off over the years and knew on some level there was a problem but my brain was on one track only- I was fat and greedy and I had to spend all day deliberating what, where, when I would eat. ..how much. ..Would I be able to purge or fit in plenty of exercise I couldn't sit and play or read to my children for more than 10mins at a time because that voice would tell me to get moving as it was making me fat to sit with them!

I realised one day things were very bad and that due to my preoccupations other stuff was going on under my nose and I was told I was mad. Bit by bit I realised I was the scapegoat. ..things weren't right my my marriage or friendships or with family because I was "ill" I was scaring them. ..they feared confronting me, I was making them stressed or upset...me??? Now before I punished myself for the guilt all that forged but then I saw hints of the truth. ..husband didn't love me or really care, family appearing Shocked I was so thin like it had never happened before? ?? I realised I had to eat to function better to move forward. I didn't bank on reawakening my brain to all the stuff starving my brain and keeping so distracted with ed thoughts behaviours and planning involved. It was utterly terrifying and then I realised that was what I had feared all along. ..it wasn't really about the food or weight well it was and wasn't. ..my brain was protecting me from someone deeply sad and frightening experiences and truths. I am letting them go now but it has taken almost 2years of full on eating better and regularly.

I realised I wasn't truly living...I had never fully grown and how could I help my children navigate puberty and adolescence if I hadn't. I felt too old too stuck in my ways all the rituals and behaviours of anorexia were me and I was her we were one totally entrenched. .. it was my identity. She was my everything-my best friend I cannot explain the depths of our bond and starting to leave her was beyond hard. I drank for a start to enable me to eat at all so I gave up alcohol. Learnt to eat more than 200 before 4pm built up the food and meals cut the exercise down. Stopped making myself sick the regular food intake stopped the binges. For a long time I didn't breathe properly I was on edge and panicking all the time. It was like permanent withdrawal symptoms for months. I had support from someone I cannot thank enough. A journey of light and dark, joy and fear, understanding and confusion, loyalty and betrayal, not being shocked and surprised but being shocked and surprised. Hard to explain really.

I left my husband and the past is slipping away. My children and I are happy and have relationships I can't find words to explain. I realised I deserved better I was controlled and manipulated I had no base line of how to expect to be treated and someone showed me hints. My faith always underlying and totally buried for a while has carried me and I am grateful for the miracle that is my life and journey God gave me. It is never too late to forge a new start, life and identity. You are loved and protected more than you realise.

As for me I have Learnt that over a loooooong time. I am still learning and growing. I am open to a new relationship one where I can be me and a partner. ..things that scare me I am prepared to work through and grow through. I am slowly creating a new life and identity.

People right off seeds severe enduring eating disorder sufferers but after a life time of food and eating issues over 35years if I can do it anyone can. Please. ..you can do hard things. ..it makes you stronger to do things you once thought impossible. I accept myself and who I am realising I am as I grow and learn. I am enlightened and if I can help one person...be what or who they need and help them to be more them than they've ever been and before and grow too and fill thier potential and feel as fulfilled as I want to then I will have done what I was put on this earth to do :) I can't say anymore

... it is your individual journey and I hope you find a soul to help guide you.

Lala

crazycrossstitcher profile image
crazycrossstitcher in reply to la-la-la

What an encouragement - I am so pleased for you - I struggle because my husband is dieting and exercising - and I've got to try to eat more and do less - is this something you struggled with - and did a dietician give you a meal plan to help - I've been told I've got to eat around 2-2,500 cals min per day to get my weight up - and not exercise more than 20 mins gentle walking - any advice welcome.

la-la-la profile image
la-la-la

Hi

I have had specialist help where I was given unrealistic food plans of about 2000cals plus that they would increase week on week when I hadn't managed this original plan. It was hopeless. A previous attempt years ago led me to feel like a fat fraud I ate what I could but felt out of control and hated myself more I got to the goal weight then returned to starving so it was pointless.

I was so entrenched I had no idea what purpose the ed had and the drinking. At first I didnt see that as a problem then when I realised it helped me eat/ binge I had to stop to learn to eat gradually.

I was Sent to a psychologist who slowly broke walls down enough for me to follow her advice and gradually introduce small regular meals. Exactly what I eat and calories wasn't mentioned but 3 meals and Snacks is the plan so it has been gradual and I have had control too. Exercise wise or was reduced in miles and frequency too. It was gradual too so I could get used to it. I lost weight then gained slowly then quickly then it stabilised then it jumped again lately but I am learning to accept it.

I didnt tell my husband when I started I ate before he got home or I secret. I was doing it for me and I didnt want him influencing it.i was eating for my health and growth and life. In doing do our eroding relationship fell apart as I saw his part in my ed continuing more and more. Slowly I have built strength confidence independance and my individuality...my real personality and continue to do so every day.

It is a long journey...

Your hubby may need exercise abd diet yi you dont. ..keep that in mind :)

Lala