I have always had a problem with eating ever since I was younger. As I was quite overweight as a child, I've felt like I was fat ever since I was about seven and therefore I have always had self esteem issues and worried about the way I look. I used to be deprived of eating certain foods, when I was younger (it started when I was about seven) by an adult in my life and this would result in me binge eating at night time. I managed to start eating properly when I was around the age of 10, but I definitely still over ate and did so until I was about 13. When I started secondary school I was bullied in my first year, by people who I thought were my friends, which only lowered my self esteem more and made me feel as though I just wasn't good enough, or the same as girls my age. I think it was towards my second year of secondary school, so when I was around 13, I decided I needed to do something about my weight. I started doing an exercise video of my mum's every day, as well as things like sit-ups and push ups. I did this at home because I was too self-conscious to go to the gym. I changed my diet completely and made all my own dinners, but because I wasn't over eating anymore and I tried to cut really unhealthy foods out of my diet there would be some days, probably two or three times a month, maybe around five if I was feeling very low, where I would binge eat. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, because I feel like the media portray binge eating as lazy people sat in front of the tv slowly getting through 10 bags of crisps, chocolate bars etc, but to me this is wrong. When I binge eat I feel like it is not me, I almost feel like I'm numb, like I have to do it, I'm being controlled to do it. After the binging came the purging (making myself sick), which is something that I haven't done in around 2 months now, but it's something that is always tempting, especially if I have eaten something really unhealthy. I have never spoken to a doctor about this, because I'm terrified of what they will say, or that they will think I'm being attention seeking. I am super stressed with exams at the minute and all I want is a healthy, normal lifestyle, not revolved around food! If anyone has any advice on how not to feel guilty after eating and on how to continue with the not purging I would be extremely grateful!
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