Scared

I'm a 21 year old girl and I don't really know what to do anymore. I don't think i'm too small. I'm 5ft10 and a size 6-8. I don't know how much I weigh because I really don't want too know. I absolutely hate my body, its huge and just awful to look at. I really struggle to eat properly. I can normally manage one meal a day, and then just small bits during work when I get hungry. If i'm being really honest, sometimes I make myself sick to get rid of the food. I'm struggling to keep things together. It's got to the point where what I eat and how my body looks affects every part of my day. I'm crying a lot, getting in a panic and not wanted to leave the house. I'm ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I know my boyfriend is really worried, he wants me to talk to someone but I have no idea where to start. I think people will just laugh at me if I tell them i'm struggling with food, i'm too big. It's getting out of control and I don't know what to do anymore.

13 Replies

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  • Hi Tamishn, It does sound from what you are saying that you do have an Eating Disorder! Especially the way you explain yourself around food, making yourself sick ect. your boyfriend has every right to be concerned, as he can probably see you deteriorating! I"ve had Anorexia for many years & it almost took my life in 2012, I ended up on a Life-Support Machine in Intensive Care, when my Organs started to shut-down, I was"nt expected to have survived! Eating Disorders are progressive, fatal even, honestly you cannot play around with them! It is fantastic that you have recognised you may have a problem & have come on here to seek advice, that is first positive step towards "Recovery" which is completely possible, especially if caught in the early stages of any Eating Disorder! I can"t URGE or advise you enough to go & seek some professional help, like your GP & tell him/her exactly how you feel, please try & be as honest as you possibly can as it does sound as if you need help. If you do have an ED you cannot do it alone! Please trust me I"ve been there myself, its an insidious, cruel, lonely illness. We isolate ourselves & lie to loved ones, it only gets worse, if you don"t get the correct help!

    I wish you all the Luck in the World! In my thoughts & prayers. X PS Please don"t try & ignore your feelings, seek help NOW before ED controls you, opposed to you controlling it! I did"nt think anything would happen to me but it did! You don"t have to suffer in silence, there is tremendous help out there!! I sincerely wish you well! Hugs Bettybaby XX

  • I don't feel like I can go to see a GP or anything. I don't really have a regular one, and they'd take one look at me & think I'm too big for anything to be wrong. I can't talk to any of my friends because I'm barely speaking or socialising with them as it is.

    Thank you for your reply, I was really worried no one would.

  • Hi Apologies for late reply, I have just spent last 2 days in bed too weak to get out, thats what Anorexia does to you. I am still under the Care of Specialised High-Risk Eating Disorder Team but I am still struggling!!

    PLEASE Tamsinh, speak to someone as soon as possible! You can always ring your nearest "Mental Health Team" @ your local Hospital & ask to speak to the "Duty Officer" @ least that is not so intimidating as face to face if you feel you are not up to that. You can "Self-Refer" just by picking up the phone & tell them your predicament, there is NO Pressure on you what ever they may offer you? Anorexics have a distorted image of them-selves, you are obviously not big as you put it, for your Height & Weight, your BMI is probably drastically low right now! As I said in my last reply you have identified you have a problem, so I cannot URGE you enough to seek Professional help now before Anorexia controls you as opposed to you being in control, which you are @ the start, but it turns so quickly on you, it is not the answer & won"t go away without help! I would hate for you to end up like me destroyed by Anorexia! You are most welcome to PM me if you"d like a "chat" one to one? Please don"t delay as you will never be satisfied with your weight! It only gets harder, trust me?!

    Good luck, Sending you positive healing energies. Betty baby XX

  • Tams inch it really sounds as though you have a problem. Only you can change the way but you can't do it alone. My daughter has a battle with ED as a dad i blog about it at tomagcro.com. There are some reviews of books which may help your boyfriend care for you. You should see your doctor and see if you can get referred to get help. Tomagcro

  • I've been reading your blog and your daughters, it's a real insight. Thank you for your help. :)

  • Hi, glad our blogs have helped....take what you can from them and try and use the bits you can as a shortcut. Recovery is a long journey but every journey starts with a single step....you are on the way . Good luck

    Tomagcro

  • Dear Tamsin,

    I would strongly encourage you to see your GP (or a GP you feel able to talk to), as you describe all of the symptoms of an eating disorder, INCLUDING the belief that you are too big. It is important to see that as a symptom of your difficulties as much as the other things you describe. If the issue of weight is too difficult to engage with, the other things you describe (being unable to eat properly, making yourself sick on occasion, not wanting to see your friends, crying a lot and the sense that how you feel you look affects what you do so much) are all related to each other. As other people have said, eating difficulties such as those that you describe have long lasting and severe effects on both emotional and physical health. In terms of what to say to a professional, this entry is exactly the kind of thing to say to start the ball rolling - you could even print it and the responses off to show to a doctor. If seeing your GP feels so overwhelming, have a look at the B-eat website - there is lots of information and sources of support there. You have been very brave to make this entry - so I believe you have the strength to take the next step! Don't delay - every day you put it off the harder it will be! Good luck!

  • Thank you for your advice. I have really up and down days. The past few days I've felt so much more positive, I think partially driven by the conversation on this website. However I've gone back down again and really struggled today with eating.

    I'm also still struggling with the idea of talking to someone about this out loud. I'm unsure of what to do at the moment, I have really mixed emotions.

  • Hello

    Please seek help now. It is a myth and driven by false information and the media and world perception that anorexics are skinny and emaciated. This does not help those suffering get the help and support they need.

    Anorexia nervosa actually translates as nervous lack of appetite. ..

    I susoect it means appetite for life not just food and eating. There is a much bigger and complicated picture here.

    I urge you to seek help.

    Good luck

    n

  • The idea of going to see a GP or someone truly terrifies me. I don't know how to sit opposite a stranger and try to explain...this. I worry they'll think i'm taking up too much time or they'll just look at me and laugh. The only person I can manage to sort of speak to is my boyfriend, I can't even bare to talk to my friends any more. I'm managing to cause arguments with everyone because I can't explain anything, I just make it so I can be by myself. That way I don't have to explain anything to anyone.

    At the moment, it's taking me a good half an hour to talk myself into eating a meal, and decide what to eat. After pacing about in a panic, I eat whatever it is and don't enjoy it, then spend the next hour getting in a state and crying because I have eaten it. I'm making myself work longer hours so I can avoid as much pacing about in my house and getting in a state. At least at work i'm busy.

    I feel like my heads going to explode.

  • Tamsin, I am wondering if the messages of support and encouragement to seek support will help you challenge this belief that no-one will think anything is wrong with you. It is also the nature of this illness that things can go well for a day or so, but then deteriorate. That is not your fault - it is what it is. If speaking out loud to someone feels too hard then why not take a look at the online support that B-eat offers? That might be a good next step to using this website - you have already taken the first step via the entries here, so give yourself a pat on the back for that! I would also suggest thinking of objective (i.e. measurable) things to monitor that can give you a sense of whether things are staying the same, getting worse, or getting better. Then set yourself a time limit (1-2 weeks for example - long enough to get a good sense of what is happening) and if things haven't improved in that time then it is indeed time to seek help. Think about what things to monitor with your boyfriend (or someone you trust), and get him/them to monitor it at the same time, so that you can compare notes at the end of the review period. It might also be worth investing in a good self help book - I can personally recommend one (Beating Your Eating Disorder: A Cognitive-Behavioral Self-Help Guide for Adult Sufferers and their Carers, by G. Waller and others) but there are plenty more out there!

    Good luck!

  • I have good and bad days. Yesterday I didn't have a good day, I didn't eat until about 6pm & I barely ate then. I just ended up in a row with my boyfriend and went to bed upset and angry. But today I feel much better. Went out for dinner with my friend & had a lovely time. It's really hard to know what to do at the moment. Sometimes I feel okay, and can cope emotionally. Then some days I can't stop crying and I can't control anything. ): x

  • Hi i wrote a few books relating to the causes and  the cures for eating disorders check out Published  Author, ( Christopher Lord Evans) on AMAZON .

    The books take you on a journey of sorts  and gives you the answers you all seek. Why did i write the books , because i really want to help people , and save lives as well as bring these diseases to the attention of those needing help.

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