I want advice from the people that have been through it and know all about it, I can't be doing with 'real world professionals' because they clearly don't have a clue, nor the interest to help me out. Real, caring people are who I want to talk to.
So I've been having problems with my self esteem and self perception for a very long time, since I was about 14. These issues didn't start turning in to physical behaviors in order to nurture those bad feelings until about 1 year ago. I started out just watching what I ate, going on diets, but not being able to stick to them for more than 1-2 days. I'd make a habit out of looking at the nutrition information on food packets, paying particular attention to the amount of calories altogether, and how much fat and sugar were in that particular item. Now it's not a habit, it's an obsession. I will not go out to restaurants, go shopping, or even out anywhere at all where there is the slight chance of me being tempted to eat. I find great comfort and reassurance from locking myself away in my bedroom, I do not go downstairs at all, the kitchen is a massive no no. So I am basically a prisoner in my own home, all because of this demon telling me I am not to eat a crumb until I can see every bone.
1 year ago I weighed in at 18 stone, yes, I was absolutely humongous, and it disgusts me and makes me want to cry and sometimes even self harm or attempt suicide. 1 year down the line since it all started, I am now 12 stone (last weighed 1 month ago, so could be less or more) so I've lost a good 6 stone. However, the problem lies in the fact I do not feel or think I look any skinnier, but yet I've lost all that weight? I can not take compliments, people tell me I am skinny, but I simply disagree and genuinely do not see it. I've gone down 6 clothes sizes, and everything I used to wear now hangs off, I have to tie hair bobbles around them so they fit. Even with all of these facts in mind, why do I still look at the fat on my finger tips, my double chin, my saggy skin covering my body, the fact I can't fit in to a size 8 pair of jeans, and just think FAT? I starve myself for weeks, without even drinking water, because I want my body to suffer for being so fat, and I also like the hunger pains, it comforts me and tells me weight loss is in progress. As soon as I eat, I take laxatives or make myself be sick, just to get rid of the calories and punish myself for being so stupid, and ruining all that hard work.
I've heard of body dysmorphia, and that apparently comes hand in hand with eating disorders, such as anorexia, which I think is what I'm experiencing right now. This eating disorder started when I was sick of being bullied for my 18 stone weight, and there were a lot of family dynamic problems going on, which had to involve mental health services and social services, not just for me, but for every member in my family. Mental illnesses do run alive in my family, every member is suffering from one thing or another. I have anxiety and depression diagnosed, but am being observed for bipolar and borderline personality disorder, as well as anorexia. I have a few other problems too such as self harm, suicide attempts, substance abuse and psychosis.
Your thoughts on whether I could be anorexic would be very helpful, any personal or stories/experiences you have would also benefit me, as I feel trapped with this. I don't want to tell people I'm getting skinny so quick because I'm anorexic, if I'm not. I am also worried about bringing this up with MH professionals, I have done before but the therapist became quite agitated and judgmental, making out I wanted this to happen, and I was a dramatic teenager. What steps can I take for a diagnosis and treatment? I need to have an idea of what is wrong before I march in to somewhere and demand treatment, I have had no luck with any professional. I have seen CAMHS, social services, psychologists, psychiatrists, my GP, and the crisis team, none of them have helped an inch. I turned 18-years-old last month, so I am awaiting a referral from CAMHS to an adult mental health team. However, they are taking their time.