Randy knows what I mean. Will not beat this probably already-comatose horse but I can go for weeks or months thinking I am one level of "OK", I have activities, try to keep my mind engaged, etc. But then about 3-4 times a year my caregiver/wife flies to Tx to see her new and only grandson, something I am loathed to deny her. I know the times when she can't leave are coming and all things being equal will probably last a while too. So for now i try to make sure she has all the freedom I can give her.....but when she is gone, its like every thing that occasionally goes wrong when she is here goes wrong in spades when she is gone. Just spent an uncomfortable 10 minutes gagging over coffee (swallowing issues), I can't think, can't plan anything, even meals or ...anything. I have become a house-plant and will likely remain so until her return in a week. The knobs are off the stove so doubt I will burn the house down but last time this happened, I ended up sitting still in a chair for three days until she came back.
I guess if there is an upside, I share a perspective with my dogs now. You know how you can leave the house, come back in 5 mins and the dogs will act like you have been gone for months? Well my sense of time gets really bad when I am like this so even though she got on the plane at McCarran this morning at 5:00am, it feels like last week already. And I have no sense of when she will return; the date is just a number. I have no sense of what 5 days feels like or will last.
Just getting through it. I write here because if she knew all this she would not leave starting now....and I know I will die with a broken mind, I don't want to die with a broken heart too.