AF Association
14,377 members17,345 posts

How do you handle your emotional pain?

I write here because I have not found the answer in the expected places, while I have found much emotional intelligence on this board.

irina1975 and chrysalis8x have talked about managing one's response to various emotions. If I am offended, that is an issue for me to process, not the offender.If he makes me angry, I need to change the way I respond, not focus on changing his behaviour.

I have learned to ignore ranting and raving. I have though found no way to deal with comments which to my mind stigmatise me or demean me. These can take me to a very dark place.

If you tell a man with paranoid schizophrenia that he is a complete "nutter" and needs to go away and get treatment, you have not helped him. He likely understands his need anyway in lucid intervals. When you tell a man with manic depression to "carry on taking the tablets" this can be a disabling blow below the belt, and may betray barely suppressed prejudice.

These are not random irrelevant thoughts. When my son persistently called me a filthy Daily Telegraph reading Tory, I joined the Labour Party and canvassed for them in 2015, which made him incandescent and did wonders for my endorphin levels.

When my wife dismisses my opinion, saying this is your mental illness talking, I have no answer and my adrenaline and cortisol levels surge, setting off my AF. I still haven't learned to walk away.

Some of the comments I have attracted here have given me in a very small way, an insight in to what it must feel like to be neither white, male, straight, able bodied, or independent of charity in our so called caring society.

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oldestnewest

A heartfelt post - my hope is that you will find some understanding and kindness here,

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Hi Oyster, your profile says....

[''69, male. Retired and with background in healthcare services. Married with 4 sons, two at home and at primary school. Atrial fibrillation 9 years. Ablation successful for 4 years. Now atrial flutter.

Manic depressive.

Joined initially as Badger25. Oyster is my sixth account name after being banned five times for breach of forum rules. I have never knowingly had more than one account name simultaneously. I have not sought to deceive by having sequential identities. I knew of no other way of retaining access to the forum. For understandable reasons this has been misinterpreted. '']

.......Badger etc , think you will find you have more than one 'personality' posting at this time contrary to your assertion above. You say you don't 'knowingly have more than one name simultaneously ' so perhaps you aren't aware of them.

I am sorry to read about your various health conditions but I don't think posting fake stories on here helps you or anyone else.

This is a very good site and a helpful resource for many myself included but I think it is wrong that many of us are now replying to fake posts in good faith thinking they are genuine.

ETA apologies Admin for responding , I did report my suspicions about Oyster yesterday .

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The man has outed himself - he wants to contribute in a positive way - can we not forgive, especially after his apology?

Even if we can’t forget.

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doodle68

Thank you for engaging with me. I have tried to remove all accounts set up by me prior to this account Oyster. I can not access any of them and can therefore not delete them. I don't know whether part of the problem is that I access HU on an old iPad 10.3.3, on android an d Windows 10.

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My preference would be to have all of my old accounts removed from the board. To re-iterate I have been Badger25, Pilgrim3, toastedsandwich, TitusAlone,TitusGroan and perhaps one or two others.

But NONE at the same time. As fast as I set them up they were being locked it seemed for a while.

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Not mentioned are JohnRudd, he of the eloquent apology, and notyetdark who posted a long, frank and well received post which attracted a lot of contributions, all of which have been removed from view.

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doodle68 3rd segment

I tried to engage with Admin without success. Some links for access are clearly defunct. I have never set out to deceive anyone. I can see how it might appear that way however.

Initially I recognised that I had breached forum rules. My sons 24 and 21 have taught me that modern forum etiquette has no place for humour, trivial sexist banter or anything else that anybody could possibly find offensive

Forum rules are there for a good reason and even on a largely unmoderated forum breaking the rules will occasionally attract attention.

I do accept that I have been guilty of posting too much and offering focused medical style advice based on hunches. As far as I am aware medics often do that though it is not good practice online

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doodle68 4.

My main regret is that the smooth operation of the forum has been disrupted. In my opinion this could have been avoided. I think it plays to the fact that numbers joining are climbing rapidly which must make it almost impossible to moderate the the forum in an effective and timely fashion. Combine this with an app that is hard to use and navigate. Social media is clearly the way forward to empower patients andHRA/AFA will clearly go from strength to strength. It may be that increased funding is necessary to build on its huge success.

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[quote = Oyster ''My main regret is that the smooth operation of the forum has been disrupted''.]

...and yet you go on disrupting the site day after day with new accounts and making dozens of posts some of which have been rude and critical of Admin and the volunteers here .

I am pretty sure you have at least 3 different 'personalities ' posting on the site at the moment.

You are clearly aware of many of your actions , if you 'regrets' were genuide you would delete your link to the site, cease to open new accounts and approach you GP for more help.

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doodle68 5

If someone could persuade Admin to remove all trace of me on the site prior to oyster, that would perhaps allow us all to move on. The irony is that if we met, you would see me for what I am - a friendly harmless enough elderly social liberal no more dogmatic opinionated or irritating than the average male of my age.

I have never knowingly backed down except for strategic reasons and will admit to a certain stubbornness. Perhaps I should have been more assertive at an earlier stage and this might not have dragged on so long.

All the PMs I have had from members on this matter have been supportive. If I had received constructive comments in PMs from members who were not happy, if I had been approached by Admin or Vols this might perhaps have been resolved much sooner.

I don't intend to get in to any hostile discussion. I reserve the right to continue to post here, if necessary with a different account name. If a tiny number of the 11000 board members derive pleasure from trying to hunt me down, based on hunch or circumstantial evidence, I would ask them to consider whether that end justifies the distress caused to members who find support and solace on this site.

As far as I know HU is a social media platform open to all without fear or favour. Respectfully framed views and behaviour consistent with forum rules, however much those views differ from our own, have equal validity whether we have been been members for 3 days or 3 years. Challenges to group orthodoxies, to arguments perceived as lacking credibility must be embraced. We all have something to offer, different strengths which can contribute to a supportive and informative environment.

Herd instinct is natural and necessary for survival. New leaders emerge in time. When that time comes on this board, my hope is that one of the many fine women who seem to be the mainstay and backbone of this forum, will take on that challenge, rather as Trudie Lobban did ten years ago. I rather think we chaps have had our day.

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I know I’m always banging on about magnesium but have you tried taking it? A decent regular dose is needed to make a difference. It’s known for its calming effects.

I’m not sure what you’re doing that breaches rules. Or how your posts are ‘fake’. I can’t see that myself and find your input interesting.

Wishing you well.

Pat

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Dear Oyster,

The vast majority of people have a caring and sympathetic view of people with any kind of disability or different in some way.

Great Britain prides itself on being a melting pot of different cultures and creeds being sympathetic to disabilities whether mental or physical but sometimes how people act is often at odds with that image.

People can be quick to judge and fear the unknown out of ignorance.

Try to forgive them there hurtful comments and learn to turn the other cheek...Difficult at times I know.

Look after yourself.

Carol.

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Hello Oyster/Badger/etc. If I have caused you distress with any of my posts I apologize. That was not my intent. I hope you get the advice and help you need. I don't know what you need. I can only share my beliefs and what works for me re my own mental baggage. Good luck finding what you need to help improve your quality of life. And take care. Sincerely, irina1975. 5:45 AM Sun Jan 28, 2018.

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Hi Oyster,

It's good to hear you acknowledge that making diagnoses is not applicable to the site.

I'm sorry you have been upset by comments here. Just to touch on your comment re taking medication, I advised that -also saying I have a good friend who gets quite poorly when she decides she will come off meds- ie. meant in a helpful way in case that applied to you at any point where your posts were not quite straightforward.

My only concern has been with diagnoses without full patient info and examination which , of course, can't be done online.

I was wondering recently about the growth of online GPs in the context of feeling for ankle pulses if people are showing signs of venous obstruction- they can't really do it can they!

Hoping all goes well for you,

Best wishes,

Rosemary

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Dear Oyster/badger etc... Thank you so much for your apology and explanation. Personally I have found many of your posts over the months to be helpful, interesting and entertaining. I agree that it was only the diagnosis stuff that concerned me. I realise things more recently got a bit sticky- I guess I missed some of the times the forum rule breaking occurred. And then it sounds a bit like a negative spiral that you couldn’t get out of without leaving entirely.

I hope we can all move on from this in a really positive way. And that you can enjoy peace and support as a valued member of the forum.

Wishing you good health in every way x

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[quote= Oyster ''I reserve the right to continue to post here, if necessary with a different account name. ....I have never knowingly backed down except for strategic reasons and will admit to a certain stubbornness. Perhaps I should have been more assertive at an earlier stage and this might not have dragged on so long.]

'Oyster' your posts say it all , you have absolutely no consideration for Admin and other members on this site .....

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doodle68

Of course I will withdraw from the site if that is the majority view and wish. Nothing matters more than the integrity of the site and the ability of members to be able to trust each other.

That does not alter anyone's basic right to be here if they follow the rules. Clearly if a member's presence is undermining the purpose of the site, then there is a decision to be made by that member whether the honourable thing to do is to withdraw voluntarily.

In another place, a lost vote of confidence would suffice. I will stand by the David Cameron principle and fall on my sword if that is in the best interest of the members. And write my memoirs... until then, perhaps we can just be chums (-:

I guess it's up to you.

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[quote = Oyster 'Nothing matters more than the integrity of the site and the ability of members to be able to trust each other. That does not alter anyone's basic right to be here if they follow the rules.'']

....oyster the rules are clearly set out by Admin and you are not following them see below ..

''4.Multiple registrations. If your original account has been banned, the moderators reserve the right to ban any further accounts that you may create.''

healthunlocked.com/afassoci...

The integrity of the site and 'trust' is based on members posting genuine posts and not using multiple personalities .

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doodle68

My understanding is that the moderators have not chosen to make a final judgement yet, pending developments. I feel I have explained myself many times, I'm sure most people are fed up with this circular argument. It does not seem to be going anywhere . What is it that you really want? Do you feel you are in possession of enough of the facts to make a sober judgement?

Oyster

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