Advice?: Wives, partners, husbands... - Advanced Prostate...

Advanced Prostate Cancer

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Brbnbrn profile image
β€’45 Replies

Wives, partners, husbands, soul mates....

When we get to this point... when we need to accept the inevitable path, as we all do eventually .. when SO much life your loved one and you helped create is flourishing and wants you there ,.. and you know it is coming to an end (I mean not tomorrow but treatment hopes are all used up) .. the evidential outcome... please give me helpful advice, proverbs or a thing I can hold on to and say "I'll try this as it helped another..." I sure could use something right now!


45 Replies

Thank you for asking this - I can’t imagine how difficult it is. I am the daughter of a suffering Father and I am in need of the same advice.

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Brackenridge

Weeellll... knowing THIS site, I think we will have some helpful words of wisdom coming, since we AKSED for them. These people truly LOVE and are so accepting. They are not a pushy group... but we asked... they will offer they're loving advice. πŸ’•πŸ’•

Brackenridge profile image
Brackenridge in reply to Brbnbrn

Very, very grateful for that.

When time draws short .... that light is just a bit down the way ...., he’ll know how to do his best to ease things to soften things for you. You should just kiss him, hold him, smile and be near trying to reassure him. Hold his hand ... love him .... spend some quality time together .... he’ll try not to cry ..for you should do the same ... for him. Continue life like this for as long as possible ... it’s what / all you have left together. Make it β€œ your β€œ time.

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Kaliber

I can't tell you how much that means to me. I figured as much. I just recently decided to stop researching for solutions and cures. My efforts needs to be there with him. Thanks for giving me that release of always looking and just being there with him. A much better use if my time and effort!

Kaliber profile image
Kaliber in reply to Brbnbrn


Kaliber profile image
Kaliber in reply to Kaliber


Hope this helps: The poem- The Guest House, by Rumi

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Surrender1

Some of those phases others I'll have to ruminate on a bit. Very comforting and realistic to a point of... "oh, of course." Thank you.

In all of your posts I didn't see any mention of xtandi or other ADT drugs accept zytiga. Have other drugs been tried?

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Magnus1964

Yes. Thank you Magnus. He's on the devil juice Xtandi now. PSA rose from .2 to over 40 from October to now. Doctor and UofM both say IV Chemotherapy is the only option. He only has 30% kidney function. (Devil juice because of his pain in his hands and weakness in legs. His only "peaceful^ place is waxing and driving classic cars and Xtandi has made that more than a challenge). He did however get to drive his 2005 Saleen Mustang on National Mustang day last week! YAY!

Brbnbrn wrote >>> " ...He did however get to drive his 2005 Saleen Mustang on National Mustang day last week! YAY!"

FANTASTIC !!! πŸ‘πŸ‘ from a former 1968 GT350 Shelby in Acapulco Blue owner

Haaaaay Now ...,, I once put high test gas in my Ford Pinto.( dangerous as that was).

Just say’in πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Wife had the'72 red/white/blue Pinto Sprint. I took my '62 VW Bug to Englishtown's Raceway Park Drag Strip with Sunoco 260 gasoline in the tank. Must have worked cause I won the 1st Place TROPHY.

Yayahahahaya those were fun times and cars tho ...😁😁😁😁

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Kaliber

LOL! Uhm... with the rear gas tank!?

Kaliber profile image
Kaliber in reply to Brbnbrn

If you know those , it was right behind the rear bumper. They were traveling fire bombs waiting to happen yayahahahaya yayahahahaya dangerous as all heck ... part of the thrill of the drive πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ‘

treedown profile image
treedown in reply to Brbnbrn

My neighbor pulled in with new 2021 Mustang Mach 1 last night. The thing purs. Beautiful car.

treedown wrote >>> " ...The thing purs."

YIKES, I'm thinking he's look'n for it to ROAR!!! even when shut down. πŸ˜€

He was driving real slow on the rocks so I am sure it roars at speed.

I'm in the same situation now--my dear husband decided he is done with the treatments, he just wants to spend what time is left at home.

It's been a hard transition for me--and I admit I'm quite not there yet. I've spent the last nearly five years researching treatments, wrangling appointments, endless hours sitting in exam rooms, waiting for results, etc.etc. But that is all done, for the most part, and so now it's time to change how I feel and act on a daily basis.

It's time to refocus my energies towards savoring every minute we have together. Asking questions I hadn't thought to ask, or didn't think were appropriate to ask, before. Going over memories together and building them strong in my mind. Remembering my husband when he was strong and fit--and knowing that he's still there, in his spirit if not in his body.

Like they say--take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. It's too much to take in all at once, it's too overwhelming if I think too far ahead. I'm cherishing each slow walk together, each trip to the grocery store, each quiet evening. Savoring, savoring, savoring the moments!

And also reminding myself: it will be OK. I'll be OK. Not giving into the fears of being alone, of losing that precious life we've shared. Not beating myself up about things I should have done, things we should have tried. We've both done our best. We both gave it all we had, and now it's time to go together, gently, down this last path, loving every second we have had and will have, forever.

Knowing that we will always be together. Always.

Blessings and peace to you both. πŸ™ ❀️ 🌟

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to WildRose6

You have said every word for me. You feel EXACTLY the way I do. I just told him last week, "I am not going to research any more." We are living every moment and savoring every moment. I can't believe someone feels exactly like me! Thank you for your post. πŸ’•

WildRose6 profile image
WildRose6 in reply to Brbnbrn


Wild Rose 6-- Very insightful, I am just starting down that road with my wife. New DX as Biochemical Recurrence. Xtandi is giving up. Got almost 4 yrs out of it. Next?? Time will tell. 2 weeks to next blood tests / meet with MO and scans that I will have to travel for. We are already sharing each moment we can. Wishing us both luck on our journeys............Doug

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Shooter1

Wish you the best too. New wife? How wonderful! Many happy moments to come to capture and remember. My hubby was scheduled to get a port today to start IV chemotherapy next week. Dr. had emergency so postponed to next week. The day before IV Chemotherapy starts. We took our 15 year old granddaughter (learner's permit!) out for a two hour drive and built a wonderful and lifelong memory. It takes guts to live a life. But you can do it! You and your new wife have many, many good moments ahead to make good, lasting memories!

Shooter1 profile image
Shooter1 in reply to Brbnbrn

New wife, no, just new DX and new journey. New wife I'm still madly in love with and on this journey with has been with me 43 years. She saw me through treatments that made me a complete invalid, ended sex life, and really slowed me down. Now back at it and damn aPca has to flare and look like long term new set of problems. God bless the memory making interactions with grandkids. I'm working at that myself. Newest grandson at 6 mo will have a hard time getting to remember me before this trip is ended.

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Shooter1

Ahhh... sorry... read that too fast I guess. I can't believe how similar all our stories are. The battle is what you just said, the loss of sex (but not intimacy I hope), the day to day hell of the treatments, PCA flaring, the future... and of course the grandkids. They WILL remember you, even if it's just the strength you've shown. Family members will talk and who knows what they'll remember? Take videos and photos. It really matters later one in their lives. xoxo

Shooter1 profile image
Shooter1 in reply to Brbnbrn


Lulu700 profile image
Lulu700 in reply to Shooter1


doc1947g profile image
doc1947g in reply to Lulu700

Take care, Scott.

About a year and 1/2 ago I had run through the SOC and second round of chemo was not working, I felt like I was dying. My family thought I would pass. I began to meditate to help me calm my mind. I went through a preparation process of getting all my affairs in order and writing a document for my wife about information she might need. I wrote letters to children for future delivery by friends of mine. The process helped me know my family would be ok. Then I shifted to thinking about how I wanted my children to remember my passing. I tried to stay present, calm, strong and loving. This process for me helped me calm my mind. I also worked to connect with my spiritual side. This purposeful process helped me prepare. May your transition be calm and peaceful. Stay Strong!!!

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Chugach

1 1/2 years ago? May I ask what you are doing now?

Thank you for that. We are just at that beginning point now (ordered affairs). Thank you for sharing.

Chugach profile image
Chugach in reply to Brbnbrn

I got very, very, very lucky. My MO decided on a second genetic test - foundation one liquid biopsy. That test indicated that I was MSI-h (microsatellite instability high ) - a genetic marker that made immunotherapy Keytruda an option for me. It was a Hail Mary that saved my life

Brbnbrn profile image
Brbnbrn in reply to Chugach

OKAY! Thank you for that little bit of hope. It's always there!

Taking care of us is hard. Admit it. We (the men with the cancer) know it is hard for you. It is physically draining as well as emotionally draining. After we pass, there very well may be a little sense of relief. Do not feel ashamed of that relief. I think I speak for most of my brothers when I say we understand the strain you are under and we want you to carry on and live your life after we are gone. Do not feel guilty.

I am a patient, not an angel that you are. Find a support group through a local cancer center for partners and caretakers to know you are not alone and you will make it through and have a life after he is gone.

Remember to take a deep breath and take breaks from it all. It is healing for you and leaves more of you to give to him. I hope you find the path that is right for you after this part of your and his incredibly hard struggle is over. All of us are with you.

I've been using fenbendazole and numerous other "alternative" therapies. Doing well but I am not yet ready to draw any firm conclusions.

Try to put this thought to the back of your mind, stay very busy with family and friends, do anything that makes you feel better. ( I build old hot rods ). My lady had to go see a counselor to help. I take Effexor for the rest πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™. Never give up fight the monster

I try to say this everyday

I try to say this everyday

We heard this in church last week and it comforted me. When fear tries to creep in and tarnish our "moment. " I remind myself that God will be with us- he is with us- he will not foresake us. Meanwhile we are living the beautiful life we built. Semi retired in Mexico and continuing to build our dream home. Everyday is a precious gift 🎁. We start everyday with prayers of Thanksgiving because we truly are blessed.

Psalm 23King James Version

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I came across this a few years ago, browsing the internet. I don't know the original source. I have included it my "parting words" document that my executor will relay to my family:


Feel no guilt in laughter, he’d know how much you care.

Feel no sorrow in a smile that he's not here to share.

You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to.

He’d hope that you could carry on the way you always do.

So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared,

The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared.

Let memories surround you, a word someone may say

Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour or a day,

That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here,

And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.

For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart

And he will live forever safely locked within your heart.

-- Unknown

Take one day at a time, my mom used to say something is going to get you as we cannot live forever she lived to 95. I pray for others first then for myself, I have a strong faith and praying helps to calm the anxiety, always ends with the Lords prayer. I have music on you tube that is accapella groups singing my favorite songs that I sing along with that also calms me.

Thank you. We started, about a year ago, listening to Mozart at bedtime. On the clock/radio. Pretty good sound! I am amazed at how it calms.... i tried to "heart" you but I am finding it won't "stick". but consider this my "heart".❣️


Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Saturday 05/01/2021 11:45 PM DST


I refer to a woman by the name of Dr Lorraine Day .You may have heard of her. She worked in the emergency room of a hospital.She saw a lot of pain and suffering. She had Breast Cancer.Her breasts turned black.She was told she was going to die. She did not die . She wrote a book Cancer doesnt scare me anymore. Hannity says this all the time "Let not your heart be troubled "Look that up and see what it means....I think it means have no fear for God will protect you. Believe in Him not the doctor.Jesus brought the dead back to life but will not let you die. Believe in it and it will be so. So many times I should have died but God saved me.

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