Are you going to let them know? Cleodman asked me after the overwhelming response to his last post. Yes, I will, I replied. Then, I knew it would be a hard thing to do. Today, this post is not just a difficult thing I am doing. This post is part of the most difficult, painful, indescribable journey I am now on. With tears in my eyes, knowing I could never write as eloquently as he did, I login to his account to try to write this as beautifully and as perfectly as he deserves. On March 17th, at the age of 47, my best friend, soulmate, and husband, Cleodman, went to heaven. I was right next to him, holding his hand ‘til the end. As many of you know, four years ago, his life changed when he was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. Since day one he faced it with courage and dignity, he gave it his all. I have never met a stronger man than him. Cleodman committed himself to exercising, fasting and taking supplements, trying every treatment and diet, all the while working (as an emergency physician, his passion) while receiving chemotherapy. He would wake up every morning to work-out and juice. And in between all of that, he found a reason to be thankful and enjoy life. As a physician, he knew the odds, but quality of life over quantity was his priority. We created a beautiful family with two dogs, close friends, and family. We took a whole year to just travel. We packed a whole lifetime into four years.
From his last post, we both knew what was coming. It was after a spontaneous nosebleed and bruising that Cleodman made the courageous decision to VSED (Voluntarily Stop Eating and Drinking). The eating part was easy, as he didn't have an appetite anymore. VSED education is something I told him I would work on as there is not much information available for the terminally ill young population (VSED looks different for a young person than an elderly). He asked me to record him each day to document and teach others that may be in his position. Although putting that together is too painful right now, I will honor his bravery during those days and put it on Youtube at some point. It was not an easy decision, but I know and understand why he did it. His platelets were dropping, and it was just a matter of time before things turned ugly. He made that sacrifice for us. He always took control of his health, and by doing this, he also took control of how his journey would end. This allowed him to die in a way that was important to him, with dignity. His decision also allowed me to be with him, attend to him and love him the best that I could. He was surrounded by love from our close friends and family. Cleodman gave us one last gift, to be able to witness that death can be a beautiful thing.
I am very proud of my husband. I miss him terribly. Now, with him always in my heart, all I hope for is to find the strength to keep honoring his legacy in this new painful journey.
I want to thank everyone for the support and love each of you showed him in his last post. He cared for all of you. I hope his last points of wisdom continue to empower all of you. I wish you all lots of happy days. Take lots of pictures and videos, trust me, they become gold for the ones left behind. Get all the affairs in order. For the wives/partners, help him keep his dignity. Talk about the painful things. Remember the good times together. When in hospice, ask family and friends to send him messages with special memories. Also, ask him to record a video so you can watch it when he is no longer here, it will help ease those painful moments. Lastly, love him every day like it’s the last day.
Peace and love to you all- Cleodwoman
P.s. Link to his YouTube channel that he didn’t finish.
The Doctor and Living with Cancer