I know this isnt a question regarding the cancer itself, but my father passed on june 5, 2019 from prostate cancer. I was there as he took his last breath. I have dreams about it. Sometimes i wish i didnt see it. I try to find solace in the fact he no longer suffers but im having a difficult time going about life and feeling normal. It seems to like people like my boyfriend and co workers expect you to just get over it and not think about it anymore. Im just wondering if anyone has felt like this or has any tips to help?
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Tua32427
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My mom who I moved in and took care of over the last 8 years of her life passed away last fall at 94. I grieved long and hard for many months. Mostly couldn’t talk about her without tearing up. Had to keep her bedroom door in my condo closed for many months. It was more than 6 months before I could go in there to start dealing with her things. Embrace your grieving. It means you have a heart but try to be strong and go about your day getting thing done that need to get done. Stay busy. The pain lessons over time.
I will tell you there are many bad days and many good days. It takes a lot of time, and everyone reacts different. That is why grieving is a “process”. There is no timeline or handbook telling us how long we can grieve. No right or wrong way either. I can only say that with time the pain does lessen and good memories overcome the painful ones...eventually.
Don’t ever try to listen to others who think you should be over it. 20 years ago my father passed and I still have moments of tears to this day.
Embrace your grief but try not to let it burden you. My only advice is when you have your crying moments, and you will have them, let them happen...but think of a happy/funny memory during that moment to release you from the pain if you can.
Take it one day at a time. And remember to breathe...❤️
There is no timetable and no way to speed it up. There are no stages (in spite of pop psychology). Losing one's father is an irreplaceable loss. It takes however long it takes. In my experience, the pain never goes away. It just becomes a less frequent pain as life goes on and other events demand more attention.
My sister died of cancer of the tongue in 2013. My brother and I cared for her for the last 5 months of her life. I was traveling back and forth to Arizona for those months. I still can't bring myself to delete her contact information on my laptop.
Im sorry for the loss of your sister. I believe when you are caring for loved one and that pass it makes it that much harder. I helped care for my father.
You had your dad for your entire life, so you've suffered a huge loss on top of the exhaustion you must've had helping with his care. Four months is too short a time for you to "get over it." That picture of the two of you in the previous post shows such love and warmth between you. Take your time grieving. Sometimes we have to heal ourselves when people around us haven't had such a deep love for a parent and therefore not such a deep loss at their death. Give yourself time each day, if you can, to take solitary walks, read poetry, look at old photos, have a good cry, and let yourself think of him. These moments will restore your spirit and bring your dad back to you in a way that will become more bearable over time.
First, I am very sorry for you having lost your dad.
The reason I asked about your age is because, though you are an adult, you are still at an age when a parent's involvement in future plans is very important. It could be as simple as having them be a grandparent someday, going out to dinner with you as an adult and developing a different kind of relationship that allows you to learn more about each other as individuals, on a one-on-one basis.
That can make your dad's leaving more traumatic for you. You may also not have been able to spend time with him leading up to his passing. Grief is a winding river of emotions that can bring up all kinds of feelings and a sense of "unfinished business", time you wanted to spend with him and cannot. You may have feelings of guilt.
Seeing a good grief counselor and/or therapist may really help. I think that until you sort out where your feelings are coming from and how to address them, your difficulty sleeping and overwhelming sense of loss have no where to go.
It is the loved ones left behind who have the toughest time. You're dad is out of any physical pain now, but you now suffer with no way to feel better. I urge you to get a good referral from a friend or physician, hospice care or others and find someone you connect with, so you can work through all that you are experiencing.
Lastly, learning to quietly meditate (Youtube has lot of relaxation and stress reducing guided meditations - just find one you like) can bring you back to center and ground you so that you can shed the anxiety and depression for a while.
It's obvious you love your father very much and are just having a tough time regaining emotional balance in your life after losing him. If you seek out the help, I am certain you will find the help you need.
I wish you the calm, clarity and peace in your journey ahead. Please let us know how you are doing.
What you feel is very normal, grieving is a personal process. The fact that you were with your Dad, when he fell asleep in death, was probably a huge comfort to him, to know that you were there. For you, you were very courageous and caring, naturally that vision of your Dad, will stay with you.
But so will the memories of your Dad when you were the apple of his eye and how he loved you, taught you, cared about you, even chastised you when necessary and was proud of you, all those things make you what you are and your Dad hasn't gone, he remains in your heart and mind.
Put those photos on your wall of your memories and every day you will always see him and never forget his face.
Jesus wept in public when he lost his friend Lazarus, why shouldn't you feel the same, unfortunately this world we live in doesn't allow time to grieve, but don't let that stop you, you will see him again and in the interim time will help ease the pain.
My church has run a group for three years on "Mindfull Grieving." A surprising number of folks are facing the same painful memories as you. If you lived near Providence RI you'd be welcome. There are a number of good books out there. Saying "get over it" is what clods would say. There may be similar groups near you.
Hi Tua, so glad you reached out. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. You may be describing a trauma response to the moment of passing (along with grieving, as you and others mentioned). Trauma therapy is designed to heal intrusive memories or dreams, and can also support you in your personal grieving process. Can you consult a local therapist who specializes in trauma? There are many effective and compassionate techniques. Best wishes.
At first when my Dad passed away I felt sad then years later I was happy that my Dad was happy that he didn't have to deal with the bullshit here on earth. So I was happy that he was happy. Then my Mom joined my Dad when she passed away many many years later then I felt sad again that my Dad would now have to deal with the bullshit in heaven....👀
Watching someone pass away is so painful. You'll never forget it. But know that other people love you and care about you, even those of us that don't even know you. Find something every day that makes you happy; a piece of carrot cake, a good poem. It's all a part of this glorious life and unfortunately it ends. Thinking of you.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. And I am glad you have reached out to share your experience and to find people who have experienced loss too and can therefore give you support in this situation.
Losing a loved one is perhaps the most difficult thing most of us have to go through in our lives. And we all cope with the loss of a loved one differently. Grief is unique for everyone.
I think the most important thing is that we recognise that we are grieving and that, yes, this was a very traumatic moment in our lives when we saw and heard our loved ones take their last breath or felt their last heart-beat. And we have to be compassionate with ourselves and let grief work its way through us.
Of course you are reliving those last moments. This is what happens while we are processing a traumatic situation: we relive it again and again until our system can come to terms with what has happened. Give yourself the time to do this. Maybe, when you have those memories and images, it can be helpful to remind yourself that now he is at peace and that there is no more suffering, maybe it can also help you to remind yourself that, yes, it was very difficult for you - and still is - but you were there to give comfort and love until the very last moment. I can tell you from experience that, sooner or later, the memories will become more bearable and the images will become less intens.
What helped me a lot in the first few months after my husband's death was to write to him or to write a journal. I just felt I had to write down how I was feeling and what was going through my head.
Also, reaching out to friends was absolutely vital for me. I asked friends to go for a walk with me or to share a meal as I found eating on my own really difficult. I also joined a online bereavement group where I met many people with very similar experiences and stories and there was - and still is - a lot of comfort in knowing and feeling that I am not alone.
I had to go back to work very soon after my husband's death. I felt that keeping busy was the only thing that would help me to get through this apart from the family and friends.
Today, 17 months on from my husband's death, I can say that I am okay. Life is not what I wanted it to be. And I miss Paul every day and wish he was here. And there are many situations when I think of him - "I would love to share this", "I would love to tell you that", "This thing I would love to experience with you". But life is okay. I am still not thinking about the future much - too painful - but I am able to live in the moment and find conentment and joy in that. And so will you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you so much for your sharing and kind words. My parents were married 44 years and I dont know how my mom does it. I think she takes your advice of staying busy because shes constantly going and doing things. I do find comfort that my father no longer suffers. Ive had dreams of him happy and running (he lost the use of his legs the last couple years). I guess I am all over the map in terms of feelings. Its nice to know others that have been through similar experiences and come out the other side.
Before and during this battle I've watched 3 grandmothers (It's a long story, I've 5 grandfathers) a grandfather and both parents draw their last breaths as well. I can tell you they all affected me differently.
When it comes to grieving, there are some classic steps we are all to go through, but it's individual. Without wallowing, be with each emotion as it comes. When you need to cry, and be hurt... do it! When you need to be angry, be anger, just know that anger is always a secondary emotion. First there must be pain, so if you're angry you are denying the pain. At least that's how I view it.
I still speak with my grandparents and parents. I don't hear, and I do feel their answers. Now I'm at a point where if I see anything that is of beauty that we shared I remember them, and say a thanks. A thanks for showing me the beauty to begin with, and for showing it to me again from beyond this plane.
We can't hold them, but they do hold us with their love!
I have been there too. Lost my father to mPCa March 2017. I was very close to him. I made a point to do a lot of things together the last couple of years.
There is no timetable for grief. I too was hit very hard, and saw a grief counselor at a local home health/hospice non-profit. I had never done this before, even when my mother died. There was no charge for the first consultation, which is the only one I did. It was very helpful. I recommend trying this.
Time helps a little. But when I go back into a few boxes of photos and mementos I break down almost every time.
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