Cancer Starving me of sex

[Darryl]

How has prostate cancer starved your relationship of sex? Intimacy? Have you found ways to enjoy sex without erections? Despite shortened penis? Despite lack of testosterone? Without ejaculate?

[farmanerd]

I think that this book delves into some of the issues quite nicely:

"Pretty to Think So -- Eros and Prostate Cancer"

By Enrique Fernández

Available through Hoopla (or some other digital library media platform) at some libraries or preview at:

books.google.com/books?id=n...

[AlanMeyer]

I think this is an important question. If someone had asked it of me before my treatment in 2003-4 I would have blushed and walked off, too embarrassed to talk about it to others. Now however, after years of dealing with sexual problems and trying to help others who have them, I have (mostly) lost my shyness. We are dealing here with human problems and if there are any humans that can benefit from my story, I'm willing to tell it.

For me there have been a number of issues. I believe that some were caused by ADT, others by radiation treatment, and of course there are some due to advancing age.

ADT is the easy one to identify. It destroyed my libido. I had no desire at all for sex. See: healthunlocked.com/prostate... for more about its effects on me and what I did to try to counter them.

I believe that the radiation degraded my ability to get an erection. My libido returned after the Lupron wore off but, my potency declined. I believe that it would have declined anyway due to advancing age, but it declined faster due to the radiation - which damages the blood vessels that are needed for erections. At about five years after radiation I was no longer able to have penetrative sex, even with carefully crafted positions and with the aid of Viagra. It wasn't a big problem for me. My wife and I had oral and manual sex and I found it just as satisfying as before and had no desire to experiment with injections or even more invasive treatments.

Since then, the world kept traveling around the sun. We all kept getting older and a little less capable. Starting around age 71 I began to have difficulty achieving an orgasm. Today, at age 73, it's quite hard, despite heroic efforts that might have shocked me as a younger man. I fully expect that in a couple more years or so, orgasm will be impossible for me.

So what are the options?

One is to just say c'est la vie and watch TV, read books, drink whiskey, or whatever. However, even at my age and in my condition, that doesn't appeal to me. For one thing, my lovely wife (I still find her so at age 72) is still fully capable and I want to satisfy her. For another, and to my surprise, I still have a very active libido. I always liked sex and I still do. So what I have done is learned to take more and more satisfaction from my wife's arousal and orgasms. I try hard to be a better and better lover, even after 51 years of marriage. My wife still also attempts to stimulate me and, even if I fail to achieve an orgasm I still take some pleasure in the attempt. I don't know how that will work for others but I can say without any doubt that, at least for now, it works amazingly well for me. It ain't like it was when I was 19, or 25, or even 50 for that matter, but it still seems way better than nothing.

My advice to others is, if you've got a willing partner, break down your inhibitions. Try all kinds of things. Find some sex books. For heterosexual men, especially read those written by women and even better those written by bisexual women who understand, as it were, the needs of women from multiple points of view. Your most important organ for sexual gratification is still the one inside your skull. Don't give up if you don't absolutely have to give up.

Alan

[Haniff in reply to AlanMeyer]

Hi Alan

Your reply brought tears to my eyes, cause I am having the same issues- can’t have an erection. I was diagnosed in October 2017 and have completed 6 cycles of Chemo, Gleason 4+3. Am on 3 monthly Lucrin jabs. I am 58+ now

My lovely wife has been really a dear. She is just glad that I am still around and praying everyday I will be around for a long, long time more.

But as a man I do feel sad for not being able to make love to my wife 🥴

So getting ideas from your post has made me even more determined to try other tender loving methods.

Thanks a million Alan.

Take care and my very best to you.

Haniff

[larry_dammit]

No sorry but sex just isn’t available anymore, lucky that my partner has gone thru the change and misses it but doesn’t need it. I miss it terribly but there just isn’t any thing there

[Jimhoy]

I’m not sure if I can get my point across well but, one thing I noticed is that I find that I don’t have any interest in “any”;type of intimacy assuming theres more than one!!! I understand libido is the need / want for sex and is one type of intimacy!! Another, I think is just love, not physical love but, I don’t know.... mental love?...emotional love?! Is that part of libido?!!!! I lost that too then. I’ve lost the urge to hug, kiss, hold hands etc.....

I’m kind of a hard nose guy and this is not a “whoa is me” post, just an observation. I make a point to kiss good morning, good by and good night but I should not have to “make a point” to!! It has to come to mind before I remember to just walk up and hug her!!! Maybe because I know its going nowhere but I’d like to think that I’m not that shallow!!!! We don’t even talk that much anymore either!!! I’m sure its all relative!!!

She is good about it by kind of following my lead through out this ordeal but I’m sure it weighs more on her than she shows!!!

One thing I know for sure, I have learned soooo much since dx’ed that the next time I get PCa, I’ll be ready!!!!

Jc

[Kaliber in reply to Jimhoy]

Yayahahahaya good one !

[jfoesq]

I hate to say it , but my response has been similar to Jimhoy. I not only lack interest in sex , but I don’t even have a desire to cuddle or engage in similar acts of affection.

[Break60]

You learn to focus on other things. There’s actually more to life than orgasims!

[zenbee13]

For me it is not an issue, but that is not because I have sex... at all, rather because the anti-seizure meds my wife is on kill her libido, so we have matching requirements of each other.

Yes they took my prostate, and then through Radiation, and 2 year of just Lupron everything was good for me, however I really missed ejaculation. I'm telling you an Orgasm without it, is like Climbing a Mountain to get a great view and then be cloud bound not even seeing your own hand.

It was/is a let down.

Sneezing is more satisfying. F'n doctors should have to go through it before they take it away from someone. "Do No Harm" my ass!

OK done with the rant portion of my monologue here.

The thing is when you do get through all of that, if you do, you and your spouse have a deeper love for each other. All of us I imagine have seen the difference in our attitude sans hormones. We get to be children again free of sexual desires and the complicated emotions they bring to all interactions with others.

So that's the trade off I see. No sex, and also no complications from sex drive in your life.

Peace,

Bees

[bml123abc]

I am 54, had RP and radiation 3 years ago. I can't achieve an erection..or at least not when I want to. (thats a different topic all together) Nothing really worked for me until my surgeon suggested Trimix injections. I didn't want to get to that point but it was that or nothing. I am newly married (met her 3 months before diagnosis) and she was accepting of my cancer and what we needed to do to be intimate. But, at the end of the day, I wanted to be able to make love like I used to. So, i tried the injections. A year later, i have no regrets. I use an auto-injector to make the act of the injection easy. After that, i am good to go for as long as I want even after orgasm. So, as i age, it's actually nice to have the Trimix....i dont have to worry at all now about my performance. No matter what your situation, if you have a partner that is understanding and willing to work with your situation, then that's a huge plus.

[Graham49]

Vitaros is a cream formulation of alprostadil for ED approved in Canada. Has anybody used it? Does it work? I don't think it is available in the UK.

[Hidden]

This is a really tough one for me. Darryl asked a simple question...there is no simple answer. After a Gleason 9 diagnosis, a radical prostatectomy, radiation, ongoing ADT and Erleada, my medical team basically gave me a sexual lobotomy. Id like to see the real statistics on “nerve sparing”.

Anyway, I realize I can’t have sex in a coffin buried 6’ underground (at least not with my shortened penis), but living with mcrpc was not really a life goal of mine, so my wife and I never planned for my rather robust libido to die so early in my life. I only wish I took my prostate home with me after surgery so my smoking hot wife and I could’ve given it a proper burial. Yes, there’s trimix...but unfortunately after going through multiple different formulations, the results are sub-par. Anyway, my wife is fantastic, and we’re working through the problem...but it’ll never be the same. I’m about 80% convinced that my next move will be an implant. I have to face the music, a spontaneous natural woody is just not going to be in my future...time to pump it it up

[j-o-h-n]

No complaints from Dolly, my blow up doll.....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 10/09/2019 6:22 PM DST

[Kaliber]

Darryl you da bomb ... 👍👍👍👍👍

I’m think’in a 12 X 12 black plastic tarp and a gallon of mayonnaise ( chainsaw ?? ) .....

Tweezers , popsicle stick , no residue surgical tape ....

Just say’in