I've been considering this post for some time. The post from member spliderman has made be realize my experience is not uncommon. What happens when your spouse is not supportive? When they don't understand? I'm going beyond the well intentioned spouse who is unable to deal with the disease. I'm looking for members experience with a clear change of heart. We've got an old persons disease so many of us have been married longer than we were single. What happens when you find out that your decades long relationship is transactional? All of the sudden you can't contribute what you did in years past and thus you have less value? Have any of you had the compound experience of prostate cancer and a divorce? Are there brave souls out there willing to share?
Prostate Cancer and Marriage - Advanced Prostate...
Prostate Cancer and Marriage
What a nightmare! Most of us are quite lucky to have supportive family. Hard to go it alone Brutha. The question I suppose, is is she just scared and having a hard time dealing with it all? Or is she just a selfish miserable bitch that is only concerned with herself ? If it’s the latter, get rid of her. It will only hurt your chances. If the former, then try and work it out. If you’re not sure or if it’s somewhere in the middle, Perhaps some counseling is in order.
Schwah
My first wife could not deal with Pca. I found out well after the fact that she was going to leave me. We did divorce and I found a woman who is my wife, my friend and my medical advocate.
Nice ending but what IF you didn't find someone who could be your wife, friend and medical advocate ?? What, THEN ??
Good point, I was fortunate. But I think if I had stayed with my first wife I would not have much to live for and would probably have died long ago anyway.
Yes, from what you have written about her, I agree with you.
Everyone gets lucky breaks, Magnus1964. Ride your good luck for all its worth 
Cheers !!
Hey Magnus1964,
You summed it up. Living in a negative critical relationship as opposed to a positive nurturing relationship. One drains, the other nourishes.
Better off alone than in a bad relationship. At least when alone the negatives are gone. Who needs that type of treatment when fighting for their life. You will be able to focus on yourself.
An experience from my life. A husband, a good provider, a wife that was a house wife. The husband had a heart attack after another procedure. He was incubated--breathing tube, so he was sedated. His doctor wasn't sure if he had any brain damage from apoxia before the tube was in. His wife says to her children, " The doctors aren't sure if Dad had brain damage. Dad has had a good life. he might not be able to do things for himself. The doctor said we should make a decision---"!!! The children were beginning to cry. I interrupted her. "You don't know if he has any brain damage. You owe it to him to give him a chance." I went on a bit more and the wife backed off from having the "plug" pulled. The husband woke the next morning sharp as a tack, back to his old self mentally within a day or so. He had had a roto rooter procedure on an internal carotid as Ted Kennedy had several years prior and he was once again his sharp old self. The night of the family "meeting" --it was as if euthanizing a somewhat liked pet was being discussed. ---"He might not be able to do things for himself". Remember those words. If you need help with bodily functions, having meals or medications at certain times and you are viewed as a burden, you will be better off alone. Get the tube pulled out of your throat while sedated??!! You can't talk for yourself? I wondered who initiated the "brain damage" conversation prior to the family conference? The doctor or the wife?
Currumpaw
I agree with you there. A happy home is it.
Hey guy! I too got lucky by some act of god . I met love just when I was almost dead . She brought me through . I owe her everything . I’m certainly not callous towards people being alone as I was alone in life until I met her. My problematic bachelor crew would rather be alone . I jumped off that ship.. I don’t mean to brag that I have love . Rather I’m expressing my gratitude .🙏 Peace
You rock Magnus!
Guess you’d have to deal with your new circumstances. Like people do. I am sorry you are in the position you’re in. If it’s a not negotiable position from your partner then you really have no choice but to get through it, solo with friends’ support? Plenty of people cope with this every day. Often illness magnifies pre-existing relationship issues. Hoping all works out well for you.
Well said, babychi. Very practical.
Good Evening Gudgelm:
I’m terribly sad about my husband’s prostate cancer. We have had a very good and loving marriage and it feels like things will never be the same for us again.
The inevitable change acknowledged, I feel like our marriage is going to experience a rebirth as this new path unfolds. I did not want this change, but he is my favorite person and this is what we are doing now— trying to save his life. Wow. This adventure take us places.
And people who are worth our time hold on tight during the rough times.
I hope you have good people around you who can love you though this challenge. We are all in this together. Peace and light to you.
So sorry to hear you are going through this 
Life is difficult and many things seem to be transactional. I went to a neuroscience seminar recently and was reminded that few people ever stop rushing through life, take a step back and have a stare-off with their self awareness. It's painful. Who are we? What do we believe? How do we wish to live our life? What does our relationship mean? etc etc.
My partner's cancer has challenged all these questions for me and even though I'm a psychologist I haven't really had to look this deeply at life or death before (I have had family pass away but never like this).
I agree with Babychi.
I had always thought that if I had ever gotten cancer when I was married to my ex-husband, I would have to leave him to ensure the best chance at life! I told him this and he couldn't understand what I meant. Our relationship was somewhat transactional - I couldnt truthfully say he would choose me over his selfishness, even my life over his selfishness. But I went on and on until I realised I needed more from life - this is the only chance we get and we need to make the most of it. We often don't leave because of fear - "better this than nothing", "what if I don't meet anyone else", "can I do this on my own". I recently counselled a client of mine to leave her husband (she had lung cancer) - he was killing her. She left him, immediately felt better and has recently met up with someone she knew in school and gone out on a few dates.
Life is about chances. Sit down and be totally honest with her and with yourself. She if she is just frightened or if it transactional. Then make a decision. My thoughts are with you.
Very well said!!!
P.S. I adore my partner with prostate cancer and will support him through thick and thin. He knows this and told me that this support is helping him get through the journey. Find another travel companion if you need to. x
I feel the same way. Enjoying my wonderful, loving lifetime partner the past five years, when we since we got together, is one of the best things in my life. I know what it's like to lose someone you love dearly, my son died 7 years ago at age 24 and life will never be the same but I feel fortunate to be able to smile and laugh again with my three other children and the man I love. Yes. dealing with stage 4 prostate cancer drastically changed our lives, and my new job has is being his medical advocate. Our strong love for each other keeps us striving to continue living life to the fullest. He truly appreciates having a woman in his life who wants to be with him, cancer or not. And we are positive thinkers, when he's done with the chemo and goes into remission, gets a clean scan, he's looking forward to taking a "holiday" from drugs, so he can once again feel normal and live again, even if it's just a short intermittent time.
If the woman you are with doesn't like the journey you're on, I believe she's not the one for you. The last thing you need is negativity in your life. I agree it's better to be alone then be with someone who doesn't truly love you and want to be with you. I wish you all the best!!
So sorry about your son. I also lost my daughter 7 years ago. And wife 5 years ago. But off to see my granddaughter in just a couple of hours, and you have your children and husband, so we still have reasons to get up in the morning. Sounds like things are going well. Best of wishes.
Now that's the real meaning of Filotimo..... (mea ye-a, yiassou)
Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.
j-o-h-n Sunday 08/11/2019 10:32 PM DST
All I can say to this question is that the result of my RRobotRP (March 2011) was a quite shortened hmmm! My wife of 30 + really gorgeous years, found my hmmm pre RRP, much more attractive, not to mention, responsive, although, within reason, things still worked to the limit (as we know, post really good nerve-sparing RRRP) possible, without 'helpers'. I did not blame her. She worked hard in my time of surgery and loss (discovery of BRCA 2 positive as well at early 50s) to help, plus post that to try and get our sex-life back on track. Damn hard, would never be the same again.
Sadly, my wife has now passed away back in 2017 (I had radiation..70 Gy that year as well for BCR, 2 months before she went), she never really dealt well with our loss of 'closeness' but we loved each other deeply right to the end, she said she would try to stay alive for me to complete my radiation. She did.
This part of the travel is so hard for us all, but nevertheless, a part of staying alive and I am still deeply alive 8 years in from diagnosis, still working, enjoying days with my dogs and land, quite some of it because of my love's support when I really needed it. Not on any drugs at the moment, probably heading to ADT next year for second BCR. Sails up into the wind, love to you all.
To Bigdo56, You have my sincere sympathy on the passing of you wife in 2017. May you continue your battle enjoying the days with you dogs and the land. You're an inspiration to me and maybe some others in how you coped with the cards that life has dealt you. So Sales up into the wind to you too brother.
j-o-h-n Sunday 08/11/2019 10:42 PM DST
My condolences to you Bigdo58 for losing your wife . Brutal . But you are still here .. Take care of the pooch . Love is live .. my lulu gives us unconditionally .. peace
Cheers Lulu700, one of my two fur babies (& my favourite really... but don't tell Molly) is Lulu as well! So you are (oddly) with me in some ways everyday.
I have not faced this, we having ended our marriage 13 years ago. My relationship with my current partner has grown stronger deeper and more trusting with my diagnosis.
"In sickness and in health" are lovely words that we said as we pledged ourselves to one another. In long marriages there are lots of stresses and fractures. Add to these, aging, (for some) loss of sexual interest, and the threat of death from cancer; you will have a significant stress. Time to talk it out, best with couples therapy to allow each to have a say and each to decide which course is best. This is a scary endeavor especially with your diagnosis looming. It is also important for each of you and both of you. Ultimately you can only change yourself. I am sorry for your pain, Gudgelm.
I'm really sorry you are experiencing this crossroad especially in our fight with the Beast APC. I'm one of the fortunate ones who have a loving supportive wife of 45 years. I guess your other half forgot the part of the vows for better or worse in sickness and in health till death do us part.
I'm sure you know all of us here in the Brotherhood support you and are here to listen but ultimately this will become your choice on how it ends. I think that there is enough on our plate with hand we have been dealt so if our partners aren't in our corners now they never really were. Never give up never surrender. Leo
I had a wife similar when I had my first run in with a Stage 4.....we split and I got a Golden Retriever and it was the best thing I ever did....This is not uncommon..Some people are just to narcissistic for some reason or the other...It is important that you remain happy...On the financial side they are willing to take less because it looks real negative when they want a split because of your condition and your money...It is always a little rough but with a little time a great dog and most of your material stuff you will be better off....quick story...had a stomach feeding tube in....hooked up for dinner and she would not get me a cold drink,....I called a football coach..( was a team doc for 11 years) and borrowed one of his player...which one ??? The punter!! Called my divorce attorney whom I play golf with and said cut me the best deal and handle it....I stayed out of it...Best move I ever made...1year later beat that one after a ton of misery (physical) including jaw replacement 40% ORN....and found out I have this little devil....My dog fetches and loves me....workout, run, play golf, paddle board, hopefully flying on my own soon again....and being a pilot we run on martinis and cold beer.....Blue Skies a Grounded Sky King...
PS let me know if you need the name of my football coach! And be happy dude..she is the one who made her vows and is shitting on you .....
Keep the retriever..👍
Everyone please keep in mind that I flew Angel Flights for years and the little kids whom I fly who have cancer always seem happy...so the next time you have a pity party remember the little ones ...Blue Skies to All
Amen brother! Childhood cancer sucks .
Wow, this post hit home.
I was single for 32 years. I met my wife in the middle of 9 weeks of radiation treatment.
We are both of Christian Faith.
My cancer was Stage 4 with a metastasis to an Inguinal lymph node confirmed by biopsy and GA-68 PSMA PET MR.
I was on Lupron/Zityga/Prednisone 4 9 months prior to radiation.
Repeat GA-68 PSMA PET MR prior to radiation did not show any nodal metastasis. The prostate had a couple of PYRAD 2 lesions.
My PSA has been less than 0.06 4 15 months.
Hears the rub.
I am on a Keto diet and intermediate fasting. My wife hates when I get the 90 Lupron shots. They completely wreck me 4 3 weeks.
I come off treatment on 11/15 My medical team have treated me for cure and are optimistic.
Many times I considered stopping treatment because at times QOL was more important than cancer control.
I stayed the course. Fortunately, I was a weight lifter and in top shape prior to treatment.
The 2nd year has been more difficult because the side effects of the medications are clumative.
He is the rub. My wife has challenged my faith by saying that I trust Doctors over God. I believe that God has directed my steps.
I lead a sales team at work. If you were to look at me you would never guess that I had Stage 4 cancer.
I work on Wall Street and compete at a high level. I had many fights at work with my boss. He thought I was slacking. While I looked good on the outside, I was dying on the inside.
One day we got into an argument and he physically tried to push me out of his office.
He wasn't able but sent me home from the day. I thought I would be fired but we have worked together for over a decade and I am his top salesman.
My support has been from other cancer survivors, friends and church members.
Without my faith I would have given up.
My wife finally understands that my treatment decision was my choice
My boss also understands after some research and some family members with prostate cancer.
But you know, it's hard enough to tolorate the treatment with and unsympathetic wife and boss.
I persevered.
My Oncologist says that the Zytiga will clear my body in 2 weeks. He plans to stop the Prednisone 2 weeks later. The Lupron could take 6 months to a year to clear.
I really wonder how I will feel after comming off treatment.
I have been lucky that I have remained contentent and potent with 20MG of Cilias and paitence by my partner.
I managed to stay married and employed.
What a journey.
I could write a book.
I suspect many on this blog have had their own difficult situations to manage.
I have shared way to much in this post but I just could not help but weigh in on this subject.
Best of luck to all.
Oh that's nuttin...Once I got a flat tire.........
Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.
j-o-h-n Sunday 08/11/2019 1048 PM DST
LOL my favorite saying.
Wow! You are a survivor brother. Amazing !
I'm so sorry you are going through this and also aren't feeling supported at home. Perhaps seeing a counselor together so you can each find a way to communicate would be helpful. She may not realize how she is making you feel. And there may be things that you don't realize are hurting her. If you've been married for so long, I'd be surprised if she truly doesn't want to help you. But she may be feeling pushed away as well as having to deal with her own fears for you.
In another forum I am in for partners of men with PCa, the two biggest issues are (1) on ADT, men sometimes become more emotionally volatile and lash out in anger or at least more harshly than they realize; and (2) the partners feel like their needs no longer matter because the focus is on the PCa. While dealing with the PCa is all consuming, the partners still have feelings and may feel hurt that the PCa patient doesn't seem to care about them anymore. Sometimes a little time directed at the partners' feelings can help break through the wall.
Obviously, none of us can know what is happening with your situation, and if she is too much of a drain, I say cut her loose. Life is short; why stay miserable?
I hope that helps. Hang in there and take a little time for yourself.
You need to avoid anything or anyone who causes you stress . I’ve been married 50 years. I won’t have a change of heart because I have supportive kids who know what I’m going through. I just stay away from her when she’s in one of her moods and live my own life.
I dated 13 ladies for longer than 3 months with view to marriage.
I did marry No 3, at 28, lots of love and bliss, but then she goes from love to hate about all things in her life, and whoosh, off she goes, and I instigated the divorce and property settlement, and all that went well, all my way, and lucky it was that I had not had kids.
Next 10 ladies were loathe to prove they could stay on the porch for the long haul, so I just enjoyed while they remained in a good mood, but moods change and they all wanted freedom.
So I have lived in my house since 1976 and never felt any desire to race around the world to find SFA while burning up piles of $$$. Cycled around town a bit instead, I managed 240,00km, much further than all those shonky dopey sheilas ever managed. I never met any sheila with similar nice ideas I had about sharing and caring. So darn what? I coped just fine. Nobody NEEDS to marry, that fo' sure, nice if its good, but I know many who have been ruined by marriage, its like they suffer PTSD from life, even though they never took a shot in a battle. But life is a battle.
Wives get all sorts of illnesses, so do men, and having sex or any bliss in life can just all go out tha winda at any ol' time, ya never can say when.
I've met a couple of men getting chemo for their Pca who said their missus went away as soon as they were diagnosed. Well, ya cannot rely on anyone to stick around, and practice the "in sickness and in health" part of a marriage contact. ppl are just not perfect. In my life I witnessed what happened long term between the many friends my mother had. There were some truly dreadful stories about how ppl treated each other. When I married, I always wondered how long it might last, I could be real nice, take the lady out twice a week to eat at a fine restaurant, do lots of good house extensions, pay all the bills, and I'd make sure she got her happy-happy in bed, and then whammo, I copped the misplaced anger, hate, sloth, deception that seemed be her past hidden pattern, and her psychologist could not help her, nor could any priest, and off she went. So OK, its over. Cried a few tears, then got on with rest of my life.
I've been single since 1978, and I'm just fine. I didn't have kids, so maybe when your kids have to buy a house, they don't have to bid against mine at the house auction. LESS ppl in the world is probably better for the world that having more because we seem to be wrecking our little blue Planet. It would be nice to have a female partner, but I'm 72, poxed up with Pca, and not a very good catch as they say, so I'll never be touched by a woman again. Life goes on without women. My mum lived to 98. Dad died at 60 from melanoma when she was 55. No other man became a partner for her next 43 years, but when she was 80, there were at least 80 Christmas cards pinned to the banister on the staircase to upstairs of her house. She lived there for 67 years. Men sure were not everything. She knew how to live well unmarried. She never ever talked to me about sex, but from what my sisters said, she never had an orgasm, one of the many non orgasmic women who are everywhere. She was a good mother though. Never played up with another man. Dad did a few times. Maybe she was boring in bed. Some folks must have sex. Well I found it was nice if it could be had, but often it could not be.
With mum it was "....until death do you part", yes, OK for her to do. Then after dad died she could entertain her many friends, spend half the day on the phone with them, travel a bit, and never once did she seem to be an old tart.
So its extremely lucky for anyone to make it to 60 and still have a partner who cares, and who is not a PIA. Maybe rare if anyone 70 is still "getting some"
I think I jerked off much more than I made love to shielas. Sex cannot always be shared. Its a non permanent feature of human life for those mainly under 45, and life has become far longer than it used to be due to better health standards and medical care.
Most single women I see around over 45 are quite allergic to anything male. OK, so I learned that a 2 hour ride on a bicycle was more satisfying than riding a sheila for 2 hours.
I'm happy without a partner. I don't need support. I ain't a needy man.
I love the doctors and nurses though.
Nice sunshine today after 3 miserable days, where it even snowed here in Canberra,
Patrick Turner.
Now let me see "where did you hide those poison mushrooms again"...
Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.
j-o-h-n Sunday 08/11/2019 10:55 PM DST
Now that I’m in my late 60’s, I understand that there are all kinds of marriages that I don’t understand but work for the two people in the relationship. Gudgelm, my hope for you is that your wife will go to counseling and you will be able to agree to a model of marriage that works for each of you.
My spouse and I just celebrated 40 years of marriage. We have not lived together for almost 8 years. That’s how our marriage survives! There are many reasons for living apart but the details don’t matter. I still love him and he will always be family. We have history, we have a child, and we have commitment. Another couple’s reasons will be different from ours.
When he was diagnosed in October 2017 with stage 4 PCa, I think he finally understood that I do truly care about him. Some family members and friends had questioned our situation; mostly looking askance at my motivation. After the appointment giving us the news, my husband told me that he didn’t expect me to see him through the illness. He was “releasing” me of any and all obligations. I don’t know that he had ever hurt or insulted me more than that!
We talked that through and as I mentioned, celebrated our 40th a few weeks ago. I am as good a partner as I can be to him. He relies on me to advocate for him. I also am totally honest with him. He’s not doing cancer the way I think I would do it. I tell him my concerns but don’t expect him to change. He recently found his way to a gym and I didn’t need to nag him at all. So far, after 40 sessions of EBRT a year ago, and Casodex and Lupron, all his numbers are at the lowest they can be. If or when his disease advances, I’ll be by his side. Together with our son, I will take care of him. We will make whatever adjustments that are needed. He will never be alone with cancer unless he wants to be.
So to all the men and their spouses and partners in this forum, your life certainly isn’t the same with the diagnosis of prostate cancer. However, your life together can evolve as you each make adjustments to the new normal. Please don’t let go of your history and commitment. Don’t be concerned about what others think of you. Step together into each day. You can do it! My best wishes and love to all, Mary
I watched my dad battle this disease for almost 11 years. And the first year both my parents battled cancer together. Towards the end of my dads disease things got ugly. He couldnt walk or couldnt do much for himself. But my mom was there every step of the way for him. As the daughter watching that i realized what love really is and what a marriage is. My dad was so thankful for her and even on his deathbed in basically medicated coma he woke up and said is mom okay? I guess my point to all this is that support and love is what a marriage is. PC does or can get ugly. If your wife is negative and cant support you then if it were me id be asking is this really a marriage. Focus on you and keep fighting!
In April 2013, with my first Lupron injection my active sexual life essentially ended, though I didn't know it then. Within 3-4 months, my libido was collapsing and my "wedding tackle" was beginning to shrink and misbehave. By 10-12 months, it was over. No interest, no ability. After 3 years, my sentence on "hormone therapy" ended, and my T was allowed to recover. My sexual ability and interest began to slowly recover along with T for the next few months.
However.... perversely, during that time my wife went through menopause. She became equally uninterested in sex, and essentially lost her ability due to her tissues changing. I totally understand how she feels, having been there myself! So, now my sexual ability and interest had no positive outlet, and low as both still were they were just a burden.
Bottom line, prostate cancer for some of us can demolish the sexual part of a marriage. How well the relationship survives is hugely dependent upon how central sex is to the relationship. It was a part of our marriage, but not the biggest part. Not even the central part. She's my best friend, and has been since before we got married. She still is, and I cherish every minute we have together.
Right on! VHRguy... I’ve had over four years now on adt plus castration 9-16 .I was 53 when I started this grand event. My wife joined me in menapause a year after I began mine. Together we have , nightsweats , mood swings we’ve had them all. Somehow she has put up with it .? The good news I believe is that my wife is coming out of her menopausal state . I’m stuck here. She’s getting better and that s a major help. Having both of us in menopause was challenging. Things are getting better. There has to be more to the relationship than sex. That’s gone.. love each other no matter what . Take care ..😎
Dr Snuffy Meyers has recommended low dose estrogen patches (25-50 mcg, twice weekly) to offset the tough side effects of ADT. The effects of low estrogen doses are pretty limited for adults in our age range, but it can really suppress the hot flashes and fatigue. There's no recovering sexual ability this way, but for everything else it's worth considering...
Thank you .. snuffy knows much .Fatigue and hot flashes are issues for me .. I will persue the patches.. Thanks guy!
In my case the problem is not my wife, she is very supportive, age 64. The problem is ME. I don't feel like a man to her anymore. And my whinning on this irritates me more than her.
My advice is the same as the others: if your wife is not supportive on this, it means your marriage is over in any case. Rather ride the river alone with good friends, and there will always be a good woman who wants a good friend.
We must be brothers. I ve done whined too much ... truth is the psychology of not feeling like a man is normal with no t as I have..Take care friend ..
The problem is me?? Where have I heard that before? Oh yah ,wait a minute .. That’s my line.. ,let us laugh at our own irony of manhood lost...I can say that I was a red blooded macho man until APC .. now I’m somewhat of a gender bender .. no t is my charm.. it’s the only horse that we’ve got .. giddyuuupppp! 🐎🐎🐎
I'm the wife, 33 years married, 3 years husband at Stage 4, Gleason 9/10 and mets to the bones. He has had chemo, and is on Lupron/Xtandi, Zytiga failed. PSA count is staying steady, tho high at 26. Bone Mets diminished after chemo, and is also holding steady at this time.
My story - I am feeling the need to leave, I don't know what else to do. It's his drinking, worse now with the cancer than before the diagnosis. I still work, and never know what I'm going to come home to. I never know how much or when he's going to start drinking in the day. Last Wednesday, a whole fifth. This morning at 8 am....opened a can of beer. Drinks everyday, and not just a beer/drink or two. And he is not a nice drinker, especially if he drinks whisky. So he said he wouldn't bring that into the house anymore. What do I find yesterday? An empty fifth of Vodka that I found he bought 3 days ago. I know he's hurting and frustrated and afraid. I try to stay super upbeat but it is getting so hard. Sorry to ramble, bad day. My heart goes out to all you guys, and your wives, take care of and treasure each other, time is so precious.
I’m here for you if you wish . You can private chat me up and Talk about anything . Don’t go it alone please .. it’s important that you get support .. 🙏
Agree
It is so hard to be a caregiver. Both patient and caregiver share in loss. Sometimes not being supportive is due to fear. I urge you both to seek counseling be it together or separately. She likely feels a burden that she needs to share with someone other than you. My wife is very supportive, but there are times when she needs to unload her frustrations and fears with someone that is not emotionally involved. It is a long and hard road. Blessings to you both in your battle.
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