Those were the words spoken to us Monday. DNR was the next phrase. 2-3 weeks or a month the third. All this on his first radiation treatment day. ...devastated can’t even describe the feeling.
So many questions, so many emotions, so much anger and fear, so much hate for this disease, but also so much love to give still.
My Chris, the poster boy for health, and I knew these words 11 months ago. We did everything “they” said. This disease doesn’t listen to “them”. It walks it’s own path.
MelaniePaul said it once. The importance of regular scans. So we did. Bone scan in October showed no or possible gray areas in liver. We did not know this then. Follow up scan last week. Numerous tumours in liver. ?
I can’t use what little emotional energy I have left to get mad over all this. I need to stay strong for him and encourage him to not give up till he’s sure. He lays in the acute ward where most if not all are bedridden and unable to sit up let alone get out of bed. They most likely will not...ever. He walks the halls, painful or not, just to feel alive. I smile at him all through this and am so proud of his commitment to keep up the fight. This man, my first love, my rock, my provider, my everything, is only concerned about me. And I so love him for that.
I pray that today we will have a good day. I pray that they will let me bring him home to live his final days, weeks, months here where he wants to be. I pray for some miracle to give him any more time, comfortable time. I pray for all you fighting this disease to keep on fighting!
Do everything on your “bucket lists”. NOW. Don’t wait, don’t fret over cost, don’t think you will get around to it. Make those memories NOW. Never look back with regrets that you didn’t. Those memories are so beautiful at the time and so rewarding for us to have.
Hold your love, wife/other half/husbands. Reassure them they have given you everything you ever have needed and that yes one day your heart will be broken but knowing the love shared will someday heal that break. I will never give up on this love.
So thankful for finding this forum and the friendships that it has provided in our short time here. To each and every one that has reached out to us with everything, I truly thank and appreciate it. I wouldn’t be this strong without it.
Love every precious moment.
Sheri (wife, caregiver, cheerleader) 💔
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Fellow wife, caregiver and cheerleader - I am praying for endurance, strength and peace for both of you; but especially you. Praying for divine perspective for you and a straight path for going home.
Hi Sheri, I read your post with great sadness for you both and for all those who travel down that path. I understand your anger, the disease is relentless, the medical system is flawed and , through it all, we move forward hoping everyday for respite. We all know deep down that there is little hope but, as irrational as it may seem, we grasp at any glimmer of light.
Your partner in sounds like an amazing man.
I don't know what to say, words feel like small comfort at this point. I am with you in my heart and I will think of you through this painful journey.
My husband and I are not quite in the place where you and Chris are, but we will be all too soon. I understand your every feeling especially the powerful anger of the mind that somehow coexists with the overwhelming love of the heart. Anger at a disease that steals our love, our hopes, our future. I try to prepare myself for our future but I know that's not possible.
My husband says that he has peace. I do not, yet I take comfort in the knowing that he does. I do believe in prayer and I will be praying for peace and strength to be given to you and Chris as you face this beast together. My heart breaks for you. I pray that you will be able to continue to smile, to be proud of your man`s strength, to express your love and to find moments of unexpected joy as long as God allows you to remain together.
❤️ Thank you Pirate3. Very much appreciated. Prayer is a powerful tool and we both know that. God gave me the best he could and will always be grateful for every moment both past and present.
Sheri -- such devastating progression. I am so very sorry. I send prayers for your husband and for you who have suffered in some ways more than he. You have been an exemplar for me on this site showing me how not to give up, stay determined & cheerful. But this is a time when cheerfulness is impossible so let your emotions out to relieve the terror you feel. I'll pray you get him home soon and provide each other comfort and love.
Did Chris have gene mapping? If so, there may be some help there with immunotherapy and parp inhibitors...like Keytruda and Lynparza or some drug combo.......anything is worth a shot....unless he has already had these.....there may be something he hasn't had... I am sorry for you and Chris....prayers...
I echo all of the above replies. As a fellow wife and caregiver I can feel your pain about the future as well as gratefulness for the time I e had with my love. Continued prayers for strength and peace❤
Sheri. As my wife a d I read your post we felt the live that both of you have for each other. That will never be lost. We hold you in our hearts and thoughts and prayers.
Amen, Amen. Don't let this disease rule your lives...you are absolutely correct. Live your lives today and every day, holding each other in your arms. Know that you are loved.
I will surely raise from my tomb to kiss you if I were to hear these precious words of yours.
I pray for some miracle to happen to reward you for your never ending love for your husband and above all your understanding and courage. May the blessing of God extend the life of your beloved husband for some more months and years to fulfil your ardent wishes.
I am very sorry for your pain. Also as a caretaker / wrestler wife I understand and suffer for what you are going through. Now, absolutely nothing is consolation. I would like you to be well, not to suffer ... I am very sorry. My encouragement is with you. A big hug
Many prayer and thoughts sent your way. Prayers for peace. Prayers for strength. Prayers for comfort. May God look down on you both and embrace you in his loving arms.
I have been thinking about you both, since I read this yesterday. There are no words that will make this better or even hurt less. But, please know you are in our thoughts and I pray you both find as much peace as possible in the difficult days ahead.
😢😢😢 since I was diagnosed 29 months ago I have lost 3 close people in my life. The funny thing is yes I had never been sick,in great shape, annual checkups with biannual visits to my urologist then the monster attacked. The emotional roller coasters are terrible for my care giver and myself, she like you are mad as all get out,but I have never got to that emotion myself. Help him as much as you can his fears are as big as yours. Fight the good Fight 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I am so sad for you and Chris. We also are midstride in this battle. I see that look from my Brian, only concerned for me. I tell him often how proud I am to have married such a fighter and I appreciate his efforts and cooperation (with taking the medication & all the side effects) every day. We're married to wonderful men. My thoughts are with you... my heart is breaking for both of you. Too soon, too soon.... 💔
i've not known of someone who is terminal so soon. it sounds like less then a year. i'm on my second bone and ct scan. so far in the past not much. it will be interesting how i'm doing. the good news for me its been 10 years since i was dx of pc. the other good news at my age 72, most if not all the ones i truly have loved and lost when i'am called i will be looking forward going home with no regrets.
❤️ Thank you charles. Very appreciated. Yes it has been a quick fight and less than a year. Please keep up on your scans and so happy for your years fighting this beast. Keep up the fight
What a powerful message and beautiful tribute to your husband’s strength and courage...and yours as well. I think you captured all of the emotions that we as patients and caregivers feel. It is emotionally and physically exhausting, particularly at a time, like yours, when we are running out of options. I’m not there yet, but like all of us in here, we know that it is inevitable, and in the back of our minds we all know that someday this insidious disease is going to claim us. Hopefully, when my time comes my wife and I will face it with the strength, determination, and love that you are showing.
When we hear the.words you and your husband got I think the initial reaction is one of shock...this can’t be happening. That is followed by the waves of other emotions...anger at the disease, fear of losing our loved one, anxiety about what is to come, and a deep hurt inside our hearts. The sense of impending loss is overwhelming.
I was my wife’s caregiver when she was going through surgery, chemo, and radiation two years ago for tongue cancer. It was excruciatingly brutal, she was on a PEG feeding tube for 4 months, and while I put on a brave face and upbeat cheery attitude for her, inside I was scared, and angry, and I ached for her and what she was going through. But, she survived the ordeal, is in full remission for 2 years now, and has been able to return to work and resume most normal activities, albeit with some residual swallowing issues. In turn, she has been my caregiver since May, 2015 when I was first diagnosed with PCa, and quickly found out I was already Stage 4. Since then she has been my rock when I allow the negative thoughts to creep in. It is a difficult and all-consuming task, but one that we take on with love for our spouse/partner. Her love, and my faith in God, is what sustains me. “Every day is a blessing” is not just a trite saying. For all of us in this forum it is a reality.
❤️ Thank you Mark and Paulette. Very appreciated. From what I read you both show the most incredible love for each other. May both of you have many more years to share this love. God bless
Reading your post reminded me of my husband, Chuck. He has always worried about me too. He wants to make sure I will be OK once he’s gone. Like others, he too is ready when his time is up. Your comments serve as a reminder to take advantage of every precious day. Thank you for sharing during such a difficult time. Our prayers are with you. Know you are not alone.
IMHO, doctors are not always correct. How's your husband? Does he still want to fight the beast? If his condition is not so bad, maybe he can try Carboplatin or Lu177? I also heard that Dr Mark Scholz has a treatment for liver mets.
❤️ Thank you Quyen. Very appreciated. I agree that not all doctors are correct and don’t think those drugs are available in Canada. Even if they are his bloodwork indicates and dictates what he can handle. Liver number and function is key for any type of treatment. Never had heart issues but CRP is now off the charts and that could be the stopper of any further treatment. He is a fighter and will not give up.
I'm so sorry for you and Chris. Lord willing, my wife and I are still a few years away from the realities that you are confronting. I hope and pray that we face it with the same courage and strength that you two have displayed.
Love stories don't end with a chapter because there is no last chapter. They are forever stories that never run a course but store memories of purpose-driven physical life. ...and when physical form wears thin, the true self endures, waiting for a new beginning. You are not alone.
❤️ Thank you Jvaughan0. Very appreciated. His story will continue on through his grandson as I will ensure that little boy will know and love everything about this man.
Prayers elevated for you, your husband and family. I'm praying for comfort and reassurance and that hope will be your watchword. Keep working on that bucket list and enjoy every moment.
❤️ Thank you Jmoskibike. Very appreciated. Doing the things we planned even though he cannot physically be with me and sharing them with him in hopes he knows how much I wish he was and still feel he is.
Those were suggested in October only if PSA doubled again. Only in trial form if he met criteria. But now it’s too far gone. ❤️Thank you though for the suggestions Very appreciated
Sheri, I was sitting at my desk thinking of what to write. Everything sounded trite. I want to convey the fact that I understand 100% of what you're feeling and thinking. I want to share with you that you sound like a person I would love to have as a special friend ... you are loving, kind, giving, caring and selfless. It's important that you take care of yourself while you care for Chris. You are both so lucky to have had each other, and it hurts me so much that you will be losing your partner to such a hideous disease. You have a whole online community of love and support. Again, all of this still feels trite, but know that it comes from the bottom of my heart.
I am so very sorry for the both of you. The cat in my lap left. Guess he didn't like the rain. It's been raining a lot lately. I do hope your kiddies will come together and give you the help you need. Best wishes. Monte
Oh Sherie and Chris! I am so very sorry to hear of this news. My husband and I received the same news a year ago - only it was “a day or maybe two”. Hold onto each other and remember all the happy times My heart goes out to you both. Have some chapstick ready. John’s lips were so dry near the end I kept rubbing them with chapstick on my finger. His eyes stayed closed (on morphine) but he would half smile. He knew I was still there taking care of him. Prayers for strength, comfort and a peaceful passing. ❤️
Very sorry for the story you are living. We all wish we could change it. My prayers to the both of you that the God we pray to, surrender to, and comforts us, surrounds you both with his healing love.
My heart soul and spiritual vibrations to you and the soldier there. I say soldier because the greatest battle we will ever fight, will be against ourselves, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, all from within. Is amazing how we all trivialize ourselves and get make huge issues about the rent, debt, the car all those things that do matter but will be here long after our passing. You and your lucky guy are too be commended for your bravery, compassion and love for each other and all of us whom dare post or lives on this forum. Blessings be upon you and all whom you encounter and Yes, I LoveYou both. As'e.
I sit here in tears, so moved by your plight, and touched even deeper by the omnipotence of your shared love. I am giving thanks for his release to come home to spend this precious time with you.
I know the rage at this disease, and that we don't yet have a cure, only ways to slow it. Emotions just don't care how logical you are, or how inconvenient they are, they just are. It is only by allowing those emotions to be felt that I can move past them to a place of love and peace. I want this for you and your Husband, for all of us.
Sheri....How is Chris? Did you talk to the Oncologist about immunomodulator and/or PARP inhibitors? So much stress for you.....God bless you...hang in there....
❤️ Thank you NPfisherman. Very appreciated. I have asked and unfortunately it has moved too fast. From no lesions in liver in October to multiple with largest being 18mm. Damn this monster moved so quickly. Even oncologist is stunned. If he somehow does an abrupt turn and gets stronger chemo would maybe be an option. But that is a beautiful dream and hope right now
I will see if I can find the article where one of the people in the keytruda trial was in horrible shape...they started him on it and it "melted his tumors like butter"...he had a 62 month remission as I recall.... Not sure where you are but MD Anderson, Memorial Sloan Kettering, and several others do wonders for patients... God be with Chris and you..
My tears flow for you and the poster boy. I have felt all of your emotions you described. Having stage 4 myself as well as losing loved ones o' plenty. I have a unique perspective on dealing with cancer and the end of life reality. I say flip the script, on it spend every last moment reflecting on the best life offered ,and the love and laughter you shared with no regrets or worries of choices you made that did not work out. Your are not alone everybody you know will be where you are now, the pain and sorrow are only lessened by time. The love you shared and the memories you made will never die. Finally how fortunate you both are too have found each other. And too have loved so deeply,for whatever time you were given. God bless
❤️ Thank you Costarica1961. Very appreciated. I am fortunate to have been so blessed with this man and life we have shared. You wrote exactly what we feel. I thank God for all past, present and future memories we have/still share. God bless you
So very hard. I'm so sorry to hear that you have arrived at this point so quickly. I'm praying strength for you and your family, petitioning that they get the pain controlled for Chris and that he would have courage to face each day.
May God bless you with peace, comfort and the Lord Jesus' true joy in the midst of grieving during these difficult days. 😢
❤️ Thank you Advo_cate. Very appreciated. We pray for pain control today and thank the Lord for any little daily improvement no matter how slight it may be. A smile, a laugh, a walk around and eating brings joy to us. Today will be a good day
❤️ Thank you Lombardi24. Very appreciated. I pray that your personal journey with your love has been resolved as I had been reading your posts. Stay strong hun. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ back atcha
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Prayers for you and your husband. That he continues to be filled with grace and for you to remain steadfast in your husbands journey.
There are no words, but I just want you to know in the name of Jesus I am lifting you and Chris up right now. I pray for healing, peace and freedom. I cannot imagine what you are going through and admire so deeply the warrior you are for your husband. I am watching my Dad fight this fight, and I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. Just know, Dear Sheri, that we all are praying for you, are here to support you in any way that we can, and when you hit those hours that you can't sleep, I pray the Lord shows you His presence and strength and comfort and peace in very tangible ways. Love and prayers,
Lora
Thank you for sharing your latest and for all of your sweet replies. Your husband has your love and support from you and that is the world.
I am moved by your news in so many ways, so very helpful reminder to live our life today. Sending my prayers.
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