My life is unraveling before me and I feel completely helpless to fix it. I’ve had ADHD diagnosed since I was in the 3rd grade (I’m 35 now). My marriage is in a nose dive because of in large part my ADHD. My wife like so many others I’ve read about as a non ADHD partner sees me as unreliable, aloof, dumb, and that I just don’t care and am selfishly motivated. And while I read so much about how these are huge part of ADHD I’m relationships and life there’s also the darker end of ADHD, the lies. I’ve spent countless hours of late trying to figure out why I lie and I see how it’s directly related to the ADHD but it’s never talked about much in literature but it’s a very crucial and big thing I believe we all deal with with ADHD.
Sadly for me it seems to be too late, my wife who is over the lies (even small ones like about looking at the weather) and my inability to remember things like a doctors appointment that day after discussing it just a few hours prior. And now we fight constantly, she wants a divorce and I feel like I’m drowning in anxiety and sorrow. Doesn’t matter how many different ways I try to show her I care or that what I am saying isn’t a lie but rather a symptoms of my ADHD. And the harder I try to be better the worse things get for me. I forget more things I have higher anxiety and stress. She has told me that if she knew about my ADHD at the beginning she never would have been with me. She doesn’t want someone with a disability that requires so much of her. I don’t see how I can fix any of it and I’m losing my wife and family. They mean everything to me and I feel rejected because I can’t control or get control of the things that ADHD does to my brain and ability to function as she puts it normally.
I just don’t know what more I can do. I have a therapist I’m working with to try to help with the more destructive ADHD patterns and symptoms. I’m on medications. I’m listening to the limited supply of podcasts available to try and better get a grip on it. At the end of the day it’s not going to be enough. Am I’m losing everything
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BradleyK87
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It might be useful to try to imagine living without someone who constantly shames you, and what that might feel like, even if it means ending your marriage. Your spouse sounds like she contributes to your pain rather than helping you with it. If she doesn’t understand and accept you by now, she probably never will. You shouldn’t have to live like that. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
I don’t know why you think lying does not count as lying if one has ADHD.
Most people lie sometimes, but ADHD related impulse control issues can result in unpleasant truth telling as easily/frequently as in lying. And either way - it doesn’t make a lie not a lie.
Whatever the cause, You are causing pain and making life more difficult for the person you love, but your post is all about you and your feelings and what you are losing. Her pain isn’t as important to you as your own. That’s normal and human. But then you can’t expect her your pain to be more important to her than her own.
You cannot make someone who doesn’t want to be with you want to be with you. It doesn’t even matter where fault lies. It’s unconscionable to use power to coerce someone who doesn’t want to be with you to stay with you.
But you have a lot more power over you. You feel like your life is in free fall - this is where you have a chance to make a difference. Therapist is good. Psychiatrist is good. Scrupulous attention to basics like sleep and nutrition is good.
ADHD makes things harder for us but it doesn’t exempt us from our responsibilities towards others. If you realize that compulsive lying is something you can’tavid, it’s on you to fully disclose to potential partners, or to avoid committed relationships where someone might rely on you.
I’m sorry if I came across as lying isn’t laying. What I was trying to say might have been lost in translation, I’d like to clarify as I’m not sure I explained well enough. I’m not excusing the lying as not lying. Rather she views it as malicious manipulation with intention to get what I want. Which is actually not accurate for about 95-99% of the situations. I’m not saying there haven’t been a few times where that was the case, and I fully accept that I was wrong in those times and that behavior but it’s also not intrinsically related to just me. It’s a problem with all human race at some point or another, I does not make it any less wrong though your are absolutely correct. What I’m referring to for instance is if I’m making dinner and I’m waiting for something to boil and I’ve cut my veggies already i choose to scroll my phone, she asks me what are you doing, my response nothing just making dinner. To her who sees me on my phone while waiting and says why are you on your phone then and I say well I’m cooking and waiting for xy or z. So I was scrolling my phone while I wait. That to her is me lying to her. That’s the kind of thing that happens most often. And in a lot of my research into it When lying in ADHD occurs (actually a lot for ADHD pts) it’s less to do with manipulation for control or to get something and more to do with avoiding shame or embarrassment or letting down a partner. Problem is there’s not much research on this topic available but Ari Tuckman is a great resource I’ve been studying lately to try and get to the bottom of this behavior of mine. Issue I have is she wants honesty but then gets Pissed off at the truth. So it’s hard to want to tell someone the truth when your just getting punished for it either way.
And I have asked her about the pain I’ve caused her she’s told me plenty of it, we have talked a lot about it. She doesn’t seem to want to work on it and try to rebuild trust in a safe way for me to do it. And she doesn’t want to deal with the ADHD which I think is a bigger issue. I’m not looking for advice on how to control her of force her to stay. Not at all. I don’t want to lose my wife and kids, I want to be better and overcome my issues especially the ADHD issues that are much to blame for alot of what she has issues with in our marriage. I just don’t know what else to do how to be better at it. I need advice from others who are getting ahead of it. I have a therapist I have meds but, I can’t seem to get it right.
You are absolutely right, and also consider that your wife may have a psychological or psychiatric problem herself of course. It takes 2 to tango. One commentator above sounds like she has been lied to by her spouse so has a personal issue with it and can't see your point of view. I can totally understand why you would try to stay out of trouble by giving evasive answers when you are constantly being put on the spot. I have a sister who does this to her husband - 2 in fact - and both men have consecutively become very quiet and withdrawn in their respective marriages. I on the other hand would argue and fight back which has cost me a lot of feathers. But at least it has saved me from years of unhappy cohabitation.
Stick to your guns and be critical. Is she the best package? Can't you have a better deal? Kids get over it or they don't if parents separate, depending on how both adults handle it and how old they are etc., but you will ask yourself if one day you may regret not having walked when the signs were obvious that this arrangement wasn't conducive to your happiness.
and you are so right about sleep and nutrition. I’m not in a situation where sleep is something I can really fix right now. (I work nights for child care reasons) but I for sure can be better with nutrition and exercise which I’ve been getting a lot better at over the last year or so but definitely have a lot more room to be even better at.
Hi,I’m a spouse with a partner that has ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed until our son was about 4 years ago, we’ve been married for almost 10 years now, together for 13, we have had many struggles in our past and up to currently but knowing about the ADHD the past few years I was able to understand that alot of our issues did relate directly to him having the ADHD so I’ve been able to give some grace, but it’s HAAAAARD to live with it daily so I can say i understand what may be behind your partners actions I’d agree with the other person that posted some thing about marriage counseling, and even more so marriage counseling with a therapist that understands and has worked with ADHD before, individual therapy is good I think for anybody, but when you add in the marriage counseling that can bring all the true topics up to surface. I also think it may be important to re-look into your medication, my husband has been through several so has our son. It’s a constant balance with the medication and therapy and it’s hard, if you can get your spouse to agree to the marriage counseling that may be helpful, I had to learn a lot about ADHD to understand my son and my husband’s actions. It’s a constant struggle. nutrition health is so important when you have ADHD and making sure you are putting whole foods and less processed in your body. Also helps I see your pain in your post and also the pain with your spouse. I’m sorry I know the situation is difficult because I’m there as well. I’ve considered divorce not because I don’t love him, but to have a child with ADHD and a husband that can’t seem to get his own self and actions taken care of or well managed it is draining and exhausting, and at some point, we all need to worry about what’s best for ourselves whether that be divorce or staying together and being unhappy I feel for you both and I wish you both the best. The struggle is real.
Bradley, I get it. I understand the frustration of your daily life with your family and friends and you may feel like your in a bottomless hole with no help. I dont want to get into too many details here but lets go into what might help you, that has helped me.
My situation is a little different since I am not married nor have kids but take away what you can from it. I finally got diagnosed with ADHD/ADD officially with BiPolar which I always I assumed I had. I have been on medication, a therapist, many different psychiatrists and I would have slight changes but ultimately they didnt work. I would always fall back into alcoholism and self destruction because of what i could not face up to. My family and friends did not understand mental health and so I had to find a place for myself.
I believe if that if you feel that your therapy and medications dont work, dont wait, ask for another therapist/pyschiatrist who you feel compatible with but just wont refill your prescription but is compassionate. I had to leave some of my family and for whatever reason, its life, you may have to move on and live your life until you can figure it out or work it out. Take it easy and take a day at a time.
I get a lot by helping people on these chat boards and I have gotten a lot of support as well that helped me when I was really down. I know i could go on, but remember this, and it may help, Find a little joy in your life every day, a little. If you need to chat, feel free to contact me.
Hi BradlyeK87 - I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. I've been through - and survived - a divorce, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I know people have to go through it for various reasons, but I know how much it hurts and the despair it can cause - and I'm the one who initiated my divorce. I agree 100% that marriage counseling is the way to go - if your wife will do it. At least you'll both feel like you've done everything you can if it still doesn't work out. My ex-husband and I attended marriage counseling and obviously it didn't save us, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I gave it everything I had before letting go.
The hard part is that like your wife, I reached a point where I'd just had enough. Sadly, it's when we reach this point that the partner realizes just how much is at stake - but often, it's too little, too late. By the time my ex realized how much everything was impacting me (nothing to do with ADHD...which I have) I was just "done". I had tried so many times to salvage the marriage and he didn't take it seriously until I had reached my maximum limit. It's really hard to get that foundation back when it's been shaken by mistrust. Trust is absolutely foundational in a relationship. However, it can be restored - as is evidenced by the many marriages that HAVE survived. I've even lost trust in my current marriage and thankfully it has been restored. Trust CAN be re-established, but it takes a lot of work and she has to be willing. I went into marriage counseling saying I "feel" done with the relationship, but I was willing to put in the effort try anything so I know no stone was left unturned. I hope your wife is willing to do the same.
I wish I had some kind of wise counsel or words of comfort to offer you, but if you need to talk feel free to hit me up in the chat. I'm happy to listen.
Well said Jozlynn. I think yes, these many little, bigger and big lies are part of the ADHD. Read it somewhere, too. Especially if the other person is quite controlling and often wants to know what you are doing at a given moment when you are focusing on something or someone else.
It sounds like your life is at a really low point. Even though it's difficult, try to regain some perspective. You are not a diagnosis. You are a valuable person with a problem. Every problem has a solution. You are working on putting some of the solution in place. It helps to take one step at a time. Ask yourself, "What is one thing I can do at this moment that would help?" Write down a list of steps of things to do that will help. It can be moment to moment or hour to hour. Focus on the next step to pull out of the hole until you can see your path ahead. Try to be around people who care about you and believe in you. If you make a mistake, ok set it right. if you need to put reminders, prompts in place, ok not a big deal. Try not to look at yourself as a mess and instead focus on yourself as learning to figure out a new ways to solve your problems, communicate better, etc. Try breaking things down into small steps. And if possible avoid feeling shame for ADD. It's a legitimate problem and requires attention and care. Good luck.
First off I want to let you know that you are valued as a person and a member of this community. That being said I want to offer the devil's advocate perspective to losing everything. The way you deal with this and how you view it will determine how much pain you feel and I highly recommend looking at Mindset by Carol Dweck. DO NOT LET THE FIXED MINDSET WIN!!! You are capable of bouncing back stronger than before and this will require a lot of work.
On the subject of losing your family I would say we never truly have anything as everything is ephemeral. But you also deserve to be with someone that doesn't shame you and wants to work on your relation ship. In my eyes if both partners work on themselves and put 100/100 into the relationship it will succeed. I don't want to go into a rant but you need to establish a personal productivity system and personal knowledge management system as well. Look into bullet journal and How to take Smart notes they are fantastic.
Best of luck to you but no matter what while the world may seem like its ending we are adaptable creatures and you will adapt to your new reality. Just remember one foot in front of the other.
It can feel like your losing everything but you’ve come so far and still have so much . I am new on this community today so just wanted to reach out and say there are a lot of similarities in our story . To be honest Iv found it easier in the short run to lie because I can’t begin to get across what I want to say . I have found it helpful to spend time writing things if saying them is difficult in times of stress.
Look at what’s causing you to feel worse at times and what you need , you are the one with adhd that’s needs support.
The fact that you reached out for support is huge. I'm a woman with ADHD, the wife of a man with ADHD, and we've raised 2 sons with ADHD. It's been quite a roller coaster. Are you familiar with ADHD Coaching? I'm an ADHD Coach and when I went through the training program even though I'd spent 34 years as an educator and advocate working with K-12 students and Adults with ADHD/Learning Differences/Social and Emotional Disorders and their families, I learned things I knew but discovered how to view them in more helpful ways. For example, memory and remembering things. A high number of people with ADHD have Working Memory and/or Processing speed deficits. For example, it can be possible to have a conversation with someone and within the conversation agree to do something. Then, later when one doesn't do what they said they would and the person they'd had the conversation with says, 'we talked and you said you'd _____" It's entirely possible they won't be able to right away recall having had the conversation. We have the memories of events, conversations, etc. but those with ADHD may not be able to access them quickly or efficiently without using prompts, strategies, etc. In this scenario, the person without ADHD views it as being lied to when the person with ADHD says they don't remember the conversation. As far as the lies you tell go, it sounds like you're n the right track. The CHADD website has an article on ADHD Coaching. Take a look at it. Perhaps it's something you and/or your wife might benefit from. It sounds like you're taking action to discover more about yourself and things that may be helpful for you. Hang in there.
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