Today my husband found my medication for ADHD. I've been taking them for over a year, but didn't tell him because no one in my family believes ADHD is real. I've had hundreds of conversations trying to explain why i am always late, why i loose things, why i speak out of turn, the list goes on. I am tired of explaining to people who don't want to do any research or get information. I'll start by saying I have a loving family. He thinks if I just try a little harder I can get organized like him. He loves that I'm outgoing and the life of the party, but doesn't understand the hell I live with knowing I'm always letting people down.
I'm ashamed because I hate being lied to and have prided myself in always telling the truth 😔
He said he forgives me but how can I expect him to tell me the truth after I lied to him.
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Khyson2019
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You could do with being a bit more egocentric. Keeping something as personal as ADHD to yourself isn't the same as lying.Being married doesn't mean it is either. Over time both of you will understand why you hid it. And if your people are too lazy, ignorant and downright selfish to read up on ADHD for your sake and their relationship with you they don't deserve your consideration. Get rid of guilt and shame. Feel them where they produce positive action if you must but not here.
I find it sounds more neutral that egoistical or self-centred when you pick it apart but it isn't in fact. It also sounds a bit like ec-centric which I like ;^b
You're being way too hard on yourself. When a spouse doesn't support us for treating a condition that brings us misery, I say you are justified--strongly justified--in keeping the secret.
I'm just going to be blunt, but your husband is speaking from rank ignorance and very destructive, dismissive ignorance. Your husband hasn't taken time to think past "you should try harder." Oh, I never thought of that! Never thought of trying harder. If hubby is going to make statements as dumb as that one, then he doesn't deserve to be informed. He forfeits the right to be informed.
And if he wants you to disclose everything, how about he open his mind and give you support and understanding (and maybe some curiosity) on the condition. How about his spend an hour reading up on the condition? How about taking some effort to understand what his wife is saying? How about multiple hours of educating himself? How about he keep his mouth closed while you describe how the condition has harmed your life. He does some of those things, you can think about disclosing treatment to him. Otherwise, he has not earned the right to your medical treatment decisions.
So I don't consider this a lie. Your husband doesn't tell you everything. I consider a lie more in the realm of you go out on a date with someone behind your husband's back. And you make up a story to do so. You have privacy around treatment. You are not required and not expected to get his approval on every medical decision, and you will say things to your doctor that you don't say to him. And that's fine.
You have painted yourself into a corner. Tell hubby, and he runs his uninformed mouth and I can tell that his mouth bothers you or you wouldn't have kept it secret. Don't tell hubby and you blame yourself for lying. Can you see how unfair that is? Heads you lose, tails you lose
Actually I think that depression talking right there--when we blame ourselves if we decide one way and then also blame ourselves when we decide the other way. Have you talked to anyone about that?
You have to right to keep secret as much of your treatment as you want.
Wow honestly I can't thank everyone enough I am truly feeling empowered. It is so refreshing to share with people who understand. Your absolutely right I have been struggling with one day I'm happy for the medication the next day I'm depressed that I'm not enough. I've bulldozed my way through life. Holding down a job, family, home, and marriage while masking my true self. I understand what is expected, when company is coming I frantically run through the house cleaning and screaming to make everything look perfect. When I'm invited out I smil and say yes even though I'm stressed it's going to take me three hours to get myself coordinated then get the kids dressed. I have an amazing mother in law who enjoys sending cards, I forgot every year. The same birthdays and holidays come every year and I always forget. I end up running to the post office to pay for rushed delivery. I know what to do I know I should prepare meals and clothes the night before. I am running one hundred miles an hour blindfolded going in the wrong direction. I am obsessed with cleaning and throwing crap away because I don't want to always feel overwhelmed. What I want to say is thank you for your understanding.
ADHD is very real. You can see it in SPECT imaging of the brain. Do a Google search for "ADHD SPECT images" and take a look at a few images. You can see ADHD in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. Folks that think ADHD isn't real...they just don't know the science. It's certainly very real, and it affects millions of people across the world.
Hi, Khyson. My ex didn't believe in ADHD, and didn't believe in psychology. I majored in psychology in college. My biological dad was a psychologist and his wife was a psychiatrist. But he died young, and we lived far away from my stepmother. He(my ex) tried to guilt me for everything. I went on medicine for depression and ADHD, and he said I was "on drugs"! In front of my kids! He was extremely selfish and a narcissist and I finally realized he was abusive. I hope your husband is not all of those things, but it does sound like he thinks his opinion is more important than your reality. I have a book by Dr. Daniel Amen, who is the first person to start doing SPECT images of the activity of the brain. An ADHD brain at rest looks similar to a neurotypical brain, with some extra holes in activity. But when concentrating, the frontal cortex and other parts of the brain in a person with ADD or ADHD stops working!- that is the opposite of what a person who has a normal brain would see in their brain activity. So, basically, the harder you try, the less efficiently your brain works to concentrate. With medicine, this situation is improved. But it doesn't completely fix the issue. I noticed a lot of improvement when I started taking medicine. But I had to go off the stimulants so it's not quite as great now. But learning about ADHD and maybe seeing a counselor or coach could help.(disclaimer-I have never seen a coach)
How can your husband expect you to tell him everything when he doubts your reality and doesn't have enough empathy to inform himself. Not believing in ADHD is lazy if you just dismiss it without researching. But when your loved one is struggling, it is very selfish not to even try to understand! I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you break the cycle of shame and accept that your brain is just different, but there are a lot of people who struggle with you, to one degree or another!
I hope this helps. I hate when other people are shamed for their ADHD or depression and anxiety! I know what that is like! Take care!
Honesty is very important. You expressed your reasons for hiding your medication so well here. If the people in your life don’t believe that ADHD is real, then I would recommend asking your doctor for direction in at least helping your husband to understand that it’s neurological and very well documented. I find the websites for ADDitude Magazine and CHADD very helpful. There are webinars with Psychologists, and articles on both sites that clearly explain the impact of ADHD. I would simply begin by telling your husband that you don’t want hidden things in your relationship. Tell him what led you to do what you did, and begin to find understanding together. I wish you the very best.
I feel so supported my this online community. Thank you to everyone for helping me realize there are things I can do such as a coach or counselor. How can strangers understand but my spouse of 20 years doesn't have a clue.
Have I been that good at masking. I frantically clean the house before he comes home. I check, recheck and triple check that the bill pay is correct. I ask him to tell me plans ahead of time because I know it's going to take me a week to prepare my clothes for the movies.
I want to post a picture because most people would never know what I suffer with.
On the outside I had a thriving career. Excellent children, always well groomed and put together, clean home .
But I was killing myself to keep up this picture perfect image that I put on myself
He’s not entitled to know. It sounds like he and his family perpetuate the stigma of meds and adhd in general. Maybe they could try harder to understand your neurobiology. You didn’t feel supported so you had to manage your adhd without the support of your husband. That sucks. The responsibility is not on you, you aren’t deceitfully lying to him. Quite frankly they’re being ablist. Who would want to divulge any information about their disability to someone who doesn’t believe it’s real?
Very true. Your words " who would want to divulge to someone in doesn't believe it's real" this is exactly how I felt but I didn't have the words. Thank you for seeing inside my head.
Living with ADHD is foreign to those that do not live with it. Even when someone educates themselves on ADHD. It can be hard to understand. That does not mean someone does not love us. They just do not understand. We have to be tolerant of others if we want them to be tolerant of us.
I agree with time both of you will understand why you hid it. It might be a good idea for you and he to see a marriage counselor. It could help you understand each other sooner and maybe head off bigger more serious problems down the road.
There are apps that can help with reminders for events. You can set them to remind you a week or two ahead and a few days ahead and the day if the event. They can remind you numerous times during the day. Google Calendar is one app , APR Alarm and Pill Reminder is another app. APR has a option for speaking the reminder. I Love It because I do not have to look at my phone to know what the reminder is for. The speak option is individual to each reminder you set. So it is up to you which reminders are spoken, if any.
I use Alexa, to remind me to take medication, not related to my ADHD. After hearing the notification twice at 9, I still have forgotten. Just recently.
Sorry you don' t have supportive people in your life. It must be really difficult. I don't know how it will go from here, with your husband.
My family is pretty understanding, as I am like my father basically. He hasn't been diagnosed, to my knowledge but he has a lot of issues that are similar.
Today, I went to the Apple Store, with my ex and had a look at my ipad mini which just died completely, Anyway, while at the genius bar I had left my phone and went to another table to sit down. Thankfully, we back tracked and they had put it in the lost and found which was in a door that only employees go in. I was a nervous wreck. Things like that happen constantly. I have not tried medication, lately.
I hope you guys can work it out, but like someone said, I think you have to prioritize your self.
Thank you for sharing ShortyKat, the support I have received online has helped me recognize i was just trying to get some help. I want to be genuine, I have an amazing husband and family who look at the bright side of my mishaps. Lol oh honey you lost your keys. They don't live in my head to see everything is disorganized. I love this group on health unlocked because I'm not judged or criticized. It been good people like you to share your stories, and offer suggestions to let me know I'm not alone.
Thank you
Glad you found your phone.
I've been married 14 years together 20 years and I've never worn a wedding ring because I think I'll loose it, we got married on valentines day so I wouldn't forget our anniversary. Life has been interesting 🙂
There’s a YouTube channel called how to ADHD that is really changed my life and perspective on these things. Helped me understand that I shouldn’t be embarrassed about my medication because it’s my medication that allows me to live a more normal life. Without it I completely lose track of my goals and it leads to utter dysfunction. Terms of the trust I think it really comes down to how embarrassed you were going to be. Society makes us feel ashamed of taking medication for conditions such as this.
If you go to the YouTube channel and look at the videos about relationships and ADHD it may give you ideas on how to better deal with this. In fact there is a 14 video playlist specifically on relationships and ADHD. There’s something known as accommodations which is something that your husband will have to understand when it comes to managing your ADHD and one of them being that the medication makes your life more manageable.
There’s a video called what happened when I stopped taking my medication that her channel has which may help give your husband some perspective on how catastrophic it is not to take your medication. There’s another one on why stimulant medication helps ADHD and it talks about stigma and may also I hope you have the conversation with your husband. I hope these things help as they really helped me.
Check out her TEDx talk...it might make you emotional because it might hit close to home: youtube.com/watch?v=JiwZQNY... Maybe watch this together with your husband? If he sees how this affects you maybe he will start to understand?
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