How to help adult son with ADD

[Stepmom98]

My 41-year-old son has always struggled with adulting. What resources are available to help me know how to best help him?

[sharkticon]

Might help to ask specific questions about what he is dealing with. Not all adhd people struggle with the same things. There are so many reasons and ways to not adult well due to add an non add reasons. Not really sure that anyone is a pro at adulting. But if you are looking for general info on adhd check out additude.com

But if you know something specific he is dealing I’m sure someone else on here has dwalt with the exact same thing.

[Chickadee1]

I don't know the specifics of your son's situation or struggles but I know that I struggled very much with launching into adulthood... so I can relate to the struggle... With me I think I needed more guidance and coaching on how to launch - growing up Mom made most of my decisions for me (if she tried to make me make decisions I was resistant because I think I had anxiety about making mistakes or wrong decisions or something) - so it would have been difficult to get me to do it - but I needed practice making my own decisions with support and coaching...

It's like growing up Mom made my decisions or suggested decisions and I went along with it - and all of a sudden when I graduated from college and came home she backed off - it was time for me to be an adult now and make my own decisions so she held back to let me do it and I was NOT ready... I didn't have a driver's license or car - My degree was not very marketable - well it could be but I had to take a test to get a certification in order to use it in my state - and I studied but never got myself to sign up for the test and take it...

After some months of staying at home doing nothing (except study for that test that I didn't take) - Dad asked if ever thought about getting a job... but didn't really offer suggestions on how to go about it or what to do...the one type of job I had done before college ( nurses assistant) I checked into but I it had been too long since I worked in that capacity and my certification was expired and I would have had to take the training class all over again... so I didn't do that and didn't know what else to do...

The other thing is I struggled with anxiety about an issue that worried me - I felt like I had made some mistakes at a prior job so how could I ask for a reference from my former boss (he thought i was a great worker as far as I know but I had been too scared to tell him about my mistakes etc at work) - so I felt it was dishonest to ask for a reference - that he would give me a better reference than I deserved - so that made it even harder for me to feel comfortable even applying for a job... I have serious hangups with worries about honesty and apologies and "making things right" even in details that other people don't notice... I guess it is an anxiety of mine... I didn't know at the time that I had anxiety - but looking back I see it...

So with me I think it was anxiety, as well as lack of guidance and coaching on adulting - lack of adulting skills, it's like my parents expected it to be automatic or something - you get to a certain age and it comes automatic...

I also grew up in a home were we really only talked about surface stuff - so my parents didn't ask me what I was feeling or what I was struggling with or what the deeper issues were that worried me or what was holdig me back... and I wasn't comfortable telling them... It was a shame thing too (in my mind)... and we as a family weren't comfortable talking about deeper issues... so we didn't...and emotional stuff was part of what was holding me back...

My aunt finally sent me across the country to stay with her cousin - hoping that a "change of scenery" would do me good and maybe they could help me get a job. I was there 6 months doing not much... and I was embarrassed and ashamed to be there - up until I finished college in my mind I was on track doing what was expected - go to school - but now I was failing to advance to adulthood properly and it was embarrassing to be sent away somewhere because I was no longer doing what was expected for my age and stage in life...

I did finally get a job - but the application process was INCREDIBLY stressful for me... due to my anxiety and feeling like I had to make all these apologies in order to be able to "honestly" apply for the job... and I felt I had to be so detailed in my application... I am way too detail oriented in some areas...and it is stressful...feeling like I have to be detailed in order to be honest...

I don't know if it is helpful to hear my story - It may be VERY different from your son's story. My parents are wonderful people and they did the best they knew how for me - and by sharing I am not implying that your and your son's story is like mine - it may be very different...and for different reasons...

But maybe try to gently figure out what is holding him back... what his struggles are and what kind of support he needs to make steps toward more successful adulting... Is there something he doesn't know how to do? Something he is scared to do? Something he doesn't have the skills/practice/experience to do? Does he need a mentor? Does he know what he wants to do? I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life (well except be a Mom and I couldn't do that by myself)....and it is hard to go launch if you don't know what you really want to do in life...

If he is open to it maybe counseling would be helpful - it is really good for me (though I still have a lot of work to do) - having someone from outside my context helps me see things I was blind to... helps me see things from a different perspective... and it has been so helpful that she is understanding and non-judgmental which has allowed me to feel more comfortable sharing with her the things I struggle with - but I had to find one that was a good fit for me - the first one wasn't... my counselor that I have now is actually the one that discovered the ADHD and it has been eye opening (and validating) to me - to know that my struggles have a reason - that ADHD really helps to explain some of them (currently struggling at work) - the executive function struggles that come with my ADHD really explain a lot and help me feel a little better about myself that it is not just me "not being good enough" or "not trying HARD enough"...

I will say that back when I was "failing to launch" I don't think I was "ready" for counseling - I wasn't ready to talk - maybe with the right counselor it would have worked and they could have worked with me gently to open up but it would have taken time... when I got to counseling not quite 2 years ago I was "ready" - knew I needed help and wanted it...(though trying to get it set up was super stressful to me)... just saying if a person is not "ready" or open then counseling probably wouldn't be as helpful...and if the counselor is not the right "fit" it isn't as helpful...

I had no idea I had ADHD back then and I'm sure it was also contributing to my struggle - the executive function difficulties ... my counselor has told me that baby steps are super important - trying to do too much at once doesn't work well at least for me... it is too overwhelming - so maybe find ways to help him make small baby steps toward his goals - make the steps small enough that they aren't overwhelming but are working him that direction...

I hope you and your son are able to find the resources that will be most helpful to him... Just looked back at how long my answer is - I hope it is helpful and not too tedious... I am too detailed sometimes...

[Chickadee1 in reply to Chickadee1]

One more thing - I have since moved on from that job, went back to school for a more marketable career - did very well in school - but now in the job force I am having significant difficulty in my job due to ADHD struggles and I'm 45 and have been at my current job for over 6 years long enough most people would think I should have "gotten it" by now - but I still struggle not being able to keep up and meet productivity expectations, time management, decision making, prioritizing... scared of losing my job - despite the fact that I am theoretically "launched"... I live on my own in a different state than my parents or siblings...but I still struggle... as someone else commented above not all people with ADHD have the same struggles - many struggle with school - for me school was mostly OK - but work and making myself do adult stuff like keep up with my house work are a real struggle for me... so as Sharkticon said above - I agree - find out what his areas of struggles are - they may be different than mine - and then seek strategies to help with the things specific to his areas of struggle. I still need to figure out what strategies are best for me - it is a process and taking longer than I wish - particularly with the work stuff since I get pressure from my boss about my performance...and am not sure how to fix it...but as my counselor says - baby steps count... progress takes time...

[Redpanda5 in reply to Chickadee1]

Thank you so much for this peek into your world! I hope Stepmom98 finds it helpful and encouraging as well. I am approaching the intersection of launching my high school daughter into the world (college is not in the cards due to anxiety) and as a mother I am searching for the best way to help her navigate. Your post gives me a roadmap of what to do. I can’t thank you enough!

[Poppy234 in reply to Redpanda5]

Me too!

[BTV65 in reply to Chickadee1]

I'm in the situation of having a son with ADHD. He just finished his first year of university and I'm not sure he even passed 1/2 of his classes. He did excellent in HS, but he had me there to help keep him on track and push him when he needed it. In college, I'm completely shut out of the process. It's all on him and he's dropping the ball constantly.

Speaking from a parent perspective (in reference to your parents), I always try to explain to my son why something is a good decision or bad decision. I tell him why he needs to take his pill every morning as soon as he gets up, and point out how failing to do so leads to all these other issues. However, no matter how much I try to tell him/teach him, if he doesn't take it in, or follow through, then it does no good.

I also struggle with the question of how much to help. By motivating him in HS, was I preventing him from maturing and taking on responsibility for himself? Watching him fail in university, it certain feels like it. However, my instinct is to try to help him to succeed. Even now, I would like him to move back home and go to university here so I can keep an eye on him. It's so hard to watch someone you love and care for fail at life.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

I don't know him, but I wouldn't frame it as failing at life. We all fail at things, but we find our way. Sometimes we have to fail a lot to find out what we are good at. There could be a lot of things going on. Does he even want to go to college? Does he feel like there is no way to succeed in life without going to school? What is he good at? Personally I don't think most schools are set up to help people with ADHD. We get told so much that we are failures because we didn't get good grades in a system that was built for neurotypical minds. We end up thinking we are failures. And that in turn makes us fail more.

I failed a lot through school. But once I found out what I wanted to do, I was able to find out how to make things work for me. I decided I wanted to become an animator. I worked really hard on my own without going to school. When I had a good portfolio together, I applied to a program in a university. The University turned me down because my past grades from other schools were so poor. But the Program in the school accepted me and got me into the school anyways, because they wanted my skills in their program. They could see the talent while the school was focused totally on my grades which told nothing about my potential to be a great animator. While I was at the university I failed a few classes. My wife cheated for me and wrote some of my papers so I could focus on my animation classes. I ended up with a great portfolio and good connections with classmates going into the industry. The first job I landed could care less about my grades. They saw my portfolio and knew what I could do. Looking back on it I wonder why I even bothered to graduate. All I needed was great connections and skills in the job I was looking for. Because I'm terrible at writing papers, doing science and math. I enjoy learning about them, but I Struggled, and ended up paying for a bunch of classes that were not actually helping me to get to where I wanted to be.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

He chose a career path many years ago, that requires a college degree. At each point we ask if he is sure he wants to go this way, and he is always positive. He said he wanted to go to college, but then sat on his hands and did nothing to figure out where. So we helped find him resources so he could research it. Once he had those, he finally was able to look at a bunch and figure out where he wanted to go. Then he didn't apply, until we pushed him to. At each stage, he makes his own decisions, but then doesn't do the work needed to make it a reality. After being accepted at his university, again he did nothing. Showed no sign of excitement. Did nothing to prepare all summer long. Each time we'd ask him to start preparing, he'd say he knows, but put it off. We almost missed the first payment because he didn't bother to read his emails from the school or login and look at things.

He is like me in some ways. I always had a hard time starting new projects. I was also paralyzed with fear of failure, so I wouldn't take chances or put myself out there. I see him acting the same way, but when I try to talk about what it felt like for me, he tells me that is not how he feels at all. However, he really can't describe what it feels like for him, so I have a hard time helping him. I just keep projecting my own feeling in his place, because I lack anything from him to go on.

It feels like the only way he moves forward, is if we are pushing him from behind. We want him to at least steer, but he seems to take little interest in his own future. I plan to talk to him again, hopefully soon and find out if he really wants to continue this path at this school. I fear even if he doesn't want to, giving up would represent a bigger failure, so he will stay the course, even if that means failing his classes each semester. It just doesn't feel like it's healthy.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

Fear of failure is one of many reasons that people wont try or take on many projects. But he could be right in that it's not what is stopping him. It's common for people with ADHD to have long term ambitions but not have the motivation to act on them. They thrive on immediate or short term rewards and positive reinforcement. They often lack the dopamine necessary to do the things they actually want to do. So when the objective is far in the future it is really hard for them to stay focused on it because they are not getting the same dopamine boosts as other people. It's really important when you are pushing him that it is positive reinforcement. You can help him by talking about how great the future will be when he does it. Tell him how excited you are about it and take interest in what he's doing. This kind of motivation can really boost their dopamine levels and help them stay on task.

Another thing that could be going on is ADHD is more often than not comorbid with another disease, often depression and anxiety. But either way if this is something he really wants to do, not just trying to please his parents or something, I would look into some therapy. Help him figure out what is hindering his progress.

Also read a book called Driven to Distraction if you haven't. Lots of great advice in there.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

The pushing starts as light and positive. Then it gets to be repeated reminders, slowly getting closer together. Finally it gets to insistence and standing behind him until it's done. I literally had to call and check in with him over discord, every 3-4 hours during the day to get him to study for his finals. If he knows someone is watching, he's more likely to do what needs to get done.

Classes stopped. Two weeks later, we hadn't been getting any response from him about when would we need to come pick him up from school. We were worried that it was getting closer. We saw him online and reached out. "When are your finals?" Oh, I'm not really sure. I should look that up. Hey, the first one is tomorrow and another one the day after that... (no, he hadn't studied at all, nor even taken enough interest to look at his exam schedule)

While "we" can look into therapy, it's back to us driving his life for him. We might be able to make an appointment for him (not sure, since he's over 18 now). Then we will have to remind him and push him to go. Once there, he could tell the Dr he's fine and he's just going because we made him. (Our daughter did that years ago with us. Totally fooled the Dr as well. The end result was if they don't want help, there is not much we can do for them)

Driven to Distraction. I've heard of it. I may have even read it years back. I'll take a look and see if I have it or can get my hands on it.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

It certainly is a struggle. I have a teenager who has ADHD and is failing terribly in school. We took him to therapy which he did not want to do, and we put him on pills once and he refused to take them. We kept pushing him to do homework, but he would just lie and say he was all caught up and doing great. I don't know if it was the right thing or not, but we actually stopped pushing him and stopped punishing him, and just let him live out the consequences a bit. We used to withhold video games and ground him. But he just seemed to get more depressed and angry. It was the therapist who suggested to remove all punishments for now. Of course we didn't let him do whatever he wanted. There were still rules and boundaries that have to be kept. We just stopped punishing him if that makes sense.

I guess I kind of decided it's not really wrong or bad to not do your homework, it's just a good thing for your future. And I really want him to succeed. It took a while, but instead of telling him what to do I just listened to how hard things are for him. And asked him how he was doing without any expectations, or giving advice unless he asked. I told him it was up to him now. I think he pushed it for a little while to see if I was serious. And purposely didn't do his work and stuff. But now he is saying that he is finding therapy helpful. At one point I told him that I felt like ADHD medication was really helping me and if he ever wanted to try it again, he could but it was his choice. He said that he wanted to give it another go. So I'm crossing my fingers.

Every child is so different. I was diagnosed when I was a teenager and really wanted medication and help but my parents couldn't afford it and said they didn't know how they felt about ADHD and drugs anyway. They could just help me mange on their own. They never really did anything though. I struggled through school and life. Now I am 40 and finally getting medication and therapy and it is helping so much. But somehow I made it through college and now have a successful career. I sometimes wonder if that is because my parents weren't really there for me. They never checked up on me at all going through school. Of course they did yell at me at the end of the year when they got the report cards, but that's about it. So I knew I had to make it work because no one else was going to help me. And of course this style of parenting was not good and am getting therapy for that. I think there is a place in the middle where we are there for encouragement and support, and advice when they want it. We love them and want to hear their struggles, but we know that they belong to them. If we do too much for them or are constantly telling them what they need to do, then if they do succeed, they think, did I do this, or did my parents. They have not developed any confidence in themselves.

So with my son, when I see he's not doing homework, and think he should, I ask him how homework is going, and then just listen. I try not to ever tell him what I think, or come up with solutions. More and more he opens up and tells me what things are hard. Sometimes I ask him what he is going to do. I often feel like I know what he should do but I keep it to myself. And more and more he comes up with his own solutions. But if he comes up with it, and then it works, that's going to do wonders for his self esteem.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps. And maybe you already do all of that. This is just what I've been going through. It's so hard to watch my son struggle. And I feel like I know so little about this stuff even after all I have learned having ADHD myself.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

I'm glad I came back to this thread to ask about the book. I didn't realize you replied to me 20 hours ago. It got lost in with other notifications from this site.

In HS I had the same thoughts about just letting things go. I kind of did that the first semester of 10th grade, but he failed a class and was close to failing a second one and my wife and I decided that the long term consequences of failing would screw up his chances of getting into the colleges he wanted, so I went back to staying on top of him. Mostly that was about checking his school work schedule and checking in with him to make sure he was doing the work. Many times he just wouldn't be aware of deadlines (failure to write them down), or lack awareness for how long some things take to finish.

I have tried to show him over time, how hard work in his prior grades opened more doors for him to take higher level classes. Showing him the reward for his hard work. Yeah, I know... Long term goals are hard to grasp.

He learned some of his own hard lessons when he couldn't get into his 1st or 2nd choice schools because he waited until the last minute to apply. He was quite upset that another kid from his school with much lower grades got in, while he got wait-listed.

Is it better to get support and succeed, but not know if you were responsible for that success, or is it better to fail and know you were 100% responsible for that failure?

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

Just a follow up. I was right, I did have that book. I read a lot of it years ago. I just was thumbing through a bit of it now. Was there particular parts you thought might apply to the situation with my son? I find the author writes a lot of anecdotal stories about patients from over the years, but unless there is a close correlation to my situation, those stories aren't really that helpful. Meanwhile I'll keep skimming through to see if any of the parts relate.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

No, nothing in particular. There is a section about strategies to deal with ADHD.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

I was hoping there was a section about how to help or communicate better ("get through") with young adults with ADHD, or something like that. Kind of like AA has classes/forums/advice for the family members of addicts.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

Sounds like it might not be an ADHD issue, but maybe something else. If I understand right, you are trying to motivate him and get him to do the stuff that he needs to do to succeed. You mentioned that you are still reminding him to take his pills and checking up with him all the time to see if he's done the stuff he needs to do.

I'm ADHD, and by the time I was his age I was fiercely independent. I figured out how to get into the schools I wanted to go to. Did all the research. Got a job to pay for it. And responsibly filled out any paperwork that I needed to, to get to where I wanted to be. My parents had nothing to do with it. I was an adult. And at the time I was not taking any kind of ADHD medication. And I actually rarely communicated with my parents through college.

In all honestly I have met plenty of people that don't have ADHD at all who say they want to do certain things in their lives, but they put little to no effort towards those objectives. To me this is not an ADHD problem. ADHD people are not lazy. When I found out what I wanted to do, I became hyper-focused. I worked hard on the things that mattered to me.

From everything I can understand about your situation, if it were my son, I would say he is not ready for college. It sounds like a huge waste of his or your money. That money would be better spent on therapy helping to become the type of person that could handle college. And if he doesn't already, a job would be very beneficial. That would help him to develop the responsibility, and give him the perspective he needs to figure out how he wants to manage his life. Think of it as free college. Or college you get paid to go to. College will always be there when he's ready. You'll know he's ready for college when he can do it completely independent of your help.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

I love that answer.

I wish I could make it work. I can talk to my wife about it (she is the one paying), but I don't think she will bite. I think motivating my son to find a job would be even harder than getting him to study.

My parents paid for my college, but I was on the hook for figuring where I wanted to go, applying and filling out all the paperwork. They had no clue how it all worked (neither went to college). At his age I was much more capable. Again, no meds, no diagnoses, but plenty of motivation to make a better life for myself.

We know other parents with kids this age. Some don't go to college and just live in the basement and play video games. My wife is terrified that this is where he is headed if he doesn't go to college "now".

I hear you though. I'm sure if my father were alive, he'd be giving me the same advice.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

Maybe this might be helpful? childhood trauma can cause some of the things you are talking about. This guy talks about ADHD and childhood trauma.

youtube.com/watch?v=lYD0Q4o...(Not working as expected?)

[Hominid711 in reply to sharkticon]

Why would BTV's son have childhood trauma?? Did I miss something?My sister has 2 boys that age, girlfriends same, and one thing is clear. Kids, more boys it seems, these days are so comfortable staying at home with their half-mute parents when my/our generation couldn't move out fast enough! BTV, don't get me wrong but you are TRAPPED. Unless you and the wife work out a deal with him. School's over. Time to get off his butt and leave you two to enjoy your well-earned childless state. Imagine how gooood that feels.

What happened to shared flats/houses? How come we loved it and they loathe it? Of course! They've never had it so good. I bet he doesn't have to do much other than put up with your attempts to tease his future aspirations out of him. Now calling that a childhood trauma is only ever so slightly OTT.

Did he grow up having actual duties, chores etc? Did he have to look after someone or something? Doesn’t sound like you are having the last word in the conversation but it seems he can just walk away from it. Eeeeeasy! Does he try to compromise or is it usually you? I doubt we limit kids nowadays as we were limited and they are definitely more precious to us than we to our old folk back then. Sorry I know of course NOTHING about his home life and I (and my ADHD) exaggerate, but perhaps I'm half right? Do you not sometimes imagine those long painful and hungry 18 years were finally over?

Let me tell you: they don't like it; they scream and shout and may try to manipulate you- or your other half - but in the end it's time for them to fly the nest. And that better now than in 5 years or longer as it happened to not just 1, not 2, noooo, 3(!!) of my all-time besties. They also still pay them and neither works or goes to Uni. OK one is in India but gets paid by mum's new sugar daddy.

Being on the same hymn sheet as parents can be an issue and sometimes the whole family dynamics that exists can be the reason things aren't moving in a certain direction with too much co-dependence and the whole thing at risk of crashing down like the Jenga tower if disturbed.

Have a chat you and the lady of the house, get yourselves a plan together and a time limited budget and get to work. He may say you're ganging up on him to which you can say "precisely" and give him a kiss on the forehead. Then open the door wide and wait.

[sharkticon in reply to Hominid711]

I've just read that trauma is a common thing with ADHD. They are hypersensitive, and can take things much harsher than other people. I'm certainly not making a diagnosis, just another thought that might help them to know what might be going on. Either way to me it sounds like there is more going on than just ADHD. Depression, anxiety, or just bad habits. But the fact that he is studying something that he want's to do for a living but can't seem to get himself to do the work means something is blocking him. Personally I think we all have some amount of childhood trauma, so if we can become more aware of our emotions, and thoughts, and what triggers them, it can help us to move forward. We can have really great parents and still have trauma because of the way we dealt with protecting ourselves from painful emotions. Basically we have conditioned ourselves to act certain ways to certain pressures as a child, and then as an adult we continue to react the same way. We have never learned to deal with certain situations in a healthy way.

The examples you were giving like codependence are great examples of this. But without knowing more about their past it's hard to really know what's going on. That's why I think therapy could be so beneficial for him.

And from everything I'm hearing, I agree that it sounds like they are doing more than what's healthy for someone going to college.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

Hey, sorry for the delay. Oddly, healthunlocked wasn't notifying me there was new responses.

Childhood trauma. I watched the video, then sent it to my wife. It think it fits her better, since she actually did have a traumatic childhood. Sorry for not coming back to comment on that.

His grades finally came out (not that he checked until we pestered him to), he failed 5 out of 6 classes. The one he passed he got a 52. Here I thought he did terrible in the fall. At least he passed two classes then with 70s...

Conversation happened. I told him there is no point in going back to that school for that program, because he has no clue what went wrong and therefore he can't expect it to miraculously just fix itself. I'm pushing for a more local universisty. He is now pushing to take a year off and get a job. Tomorrow we go for his annual physical with his Dr and I plan to find out what options there are about getting him some help with diagnosing what's going on. My wife still thinks depression, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. I'm now watching videos about ADHD and trying to re-educate myself on the topic as well as how to figure out what's going on with him and what we can or should do.

As to Hominid711 ... I had two cousins get kicked out of the house the day they turned 18 (each had graduated HS already). We don't live in that world anymore. My understanding, at least in my state, is that we (the parents) continue to be legally responsible for providing them food/shelter/health insurance until they are into their 20s (25?). If we kick them out and they end up being a burden on society the state can come after us for the costs. I don't have the details in front of me right now, but I looked it up several years back when a friend of ours was in that situation with his son. I told him to kick him out and he said he's not allowed to. I had to look it up and I was shocked that he was right.

[sharkticon in reply to BTV65]

I'm so sorry about his grades. That must be heartbreaking for him.

I think it is great that he is pushing to get a job. That might actually help him. School can be hard for ADHDers. And to an extent people in general. Evolutionary we weren't built to sit in a classroom and study all day. So he shouldn't feel bad about himself. In ancient times he would probably be a great hunter or warrior for his tribe.

Also Depression is super common in people with ADHD. And it has a lot of similar symptoms as far as attention and motivation. Both of them can make you fidget, and feel bored all the time. Sometimes people get misdiagnosed with one or the other. And more often than not have both. Especially if they are the inattentive ADHD type.

[zonarosso]

Me too Chickadee. Thanks for sharing.

Sharkticon: 31 y/o son who is struggling too. It's hard being a parent who desperately wants to help but doesn't know how. First step is the diagnosis. My son tried to do the 6 hour psych exam (really? a 6 hour test for a mentally ill person!) and gave up half way through. Then didn't want to try again for a few years. He has incredible struggles making the appointment. Finally scheduled for November )-: He has some very low lows and suffers terribly. I'm really hoping he can luck out and find a good psych doc and therapist this time. He needs help and direction to digging himself out of the situation he's in with a child and a marriage he's not sure he ever should have agreed too. Now he feels guilty about leaving the house and messing up his child. Wife is ADHD and on the spectrum somewhere. Very difficult situation but he has to get professional help to get the situation tenable for all involved. Mental health help is soooooo difficult to find let alone someone who is the least bit proficient in dealing with ADHD and all it's co-morbidities. This county is so messed up when it comes to mental health-and health care in general-unless you can pay for it yourself. My wife and I are not in that category! So so difficult. Don't give up! Sometimes you have to be forceful and make difficult decisions to prompt action on their part. If there are underlying reasons why he is not motivated to get well those have to be addressed also. Chickadee's story is so common now. As parents my wife and I failed to realize the ramifications of untreated ADHD when he was in grade school. The schools had no answer either. Try to move forward and not beat yourself up. There are no perfect parents and for the most part we all do the best we can in the moment. Learn everything you can about how ADHD brains work. I discovered that I too have mild to moderate ADHD and looking back I can see how it effected my life. Not sure what to do about that at 64 y/o! We are extremely lucky that there is so much information out there now. This forum and ADDitude,com, how to ADHD on Youtube, etc. Knowledge will help you understand him and hopefully accept him for who he is- a non-linear thinker who doesn't know how to understand, and accept his unique way of thinking and acting. Good luck. You did the right thing coming here! Keep going!!

[anotheradhdhead in reply to zonarosso]

"Non-linear who doesn't know how to understand" can you elaborate? I don't understand 😕 Seriously.

[zonarosso in reply to anotheradhdhead]

Linear thinkers (the majority of the population) think step by step in a line. One thing after another to get to a goal. Many ADHDer's do not think like that. My son explains it like this: 'I have a bucket full of thoughts and if I want to accomplish something, I reach in the bucket and pull one out hoping it's the right one. At each step I do this' At times he describes his thoughts as 'static'. When this happens he is paralyzed. Stimulants slow the thought process down. This is why learning Mindfulness helps. It separates your thoughts from 'you'. That allows you to recognize a thought, pause, and determine if that thought is something you should act on or not. It takes practice to get that small space between the mind and 'you' to happen consistently. This is also the essence of meditation. You recognize the thought ,let it go, and then come back to following your breath, mantra, looking at an object, etc. When I was a kid I would watch my mother clean the house. She would flit from one room to another doing a bit in each room until it (maybe, but not usually) was all done. She has no idea why she does it that way when most people pick a room and clean it, then moving on to the next room. At 92 that's the ways she still does it.Does this help you understand? It's a bit complicated to explain, but I hope this helps. Jim

[Hominid711 in reply to zonarosso]

How do stimulants slow the thought process down? Explain, please. Sources?

[zonarosso in reply to Hominid711]

This is a great source for those new to ADHD.amazon.com/Understanding-AD...

[Hominid711 in reply to zonarosso]

I see what you mean. They slow racing thoughts but lead to faster processing through better focus. Thanks for the book recommendation. Useful for dealing with patients and perhaps my nephew one day if he gets formally diagnosed.

[LateBlumer]

He can find peer support at add.org. This is a wonderful source of help (weekly online Zoom meetings for everything ADHD - procrastination, meditation, executive functioning, time management, a mens’ group, etc) where one can meet up and be part of a family of people who are working it out! Only $50/year or $5/month. And the library of podcasts and webinars is also invaluable. It has helped us tremendously. They even have a yearly convention! And fun! ADDA.org. Give it a look. Worth your time. “For millions of adults living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), life is a continuous struggle. You feel alone. People without ADHD don't, can't, understand. They don't get that ADHD affects every area of your life and there's no end in sight. But the people at ADDA understand.

But Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) membership is empowering. Many adults with ADHD find the courage to stop being a victim at ADDA. When you find ADDA, you find people you can trust. You're no longer alone.

We would like to invite you to get involved with the ADDA community. There are numerous ways you can begin to personally experience all the benefits the ADDA community has to offer and help us grow so we can better serve the adult ADHD community.”