So ive never done anything like this before but I have come to a pretty desperate point in my life. My ADHD symptoms are holding me back in so many facets of my life. Meds have been helping but they arent a cure. I have good days and bad days.
I really need help with planning and budgeting. I overspend constantly without meaning to. I havent worked a job in a year and we are financially crumbling. I have never been able to hold down a job for long over my lifetime because of my emotional dysreg. I fall short all the time of responsibilities. I have a 7 month old son and he is my world but I am so worried about taking care of him. When i focus on being a mom- its all the mental capacity i have, im all in. When i focus on cleaning/ work/ fitness, anything else i then neglect things in the mom department. I cant seem to manage all these things at once.
But I have to. My husband cant do everything.
Help? Where do I even begin? How do I start working again? How do I balance mundane home chores and raising a child and taking care of myself? It just feels impossible.
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AfabulousMess
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Unfortunately, a lot of what you said or asked about, I can't come up with any suggestions.But before your diagnosis and you found some relief with your RX, you still had all of the years before that. Which probably left some 'Bad Programming' in your head from all of the BS you had to deal with .
Hopefully others can give you more direction that can help you.
I was diagnosed with ADHD mostly inattentive type ( some hyperactive) more than 25 years ago . I cannot take meds currently due some other health issues . I can understand everything you are talking about . First of all you need a therapist to help you deal with having ADHD and feeling so negative and support you. Not a psyciatrist only - they only gie meds these days and don't do therapy. Next find an ADHD support group . Third hire an ADHD coach 4- Hire and organizer and someone who will help set up a budget 6- get into some sort of couples cousnseling with your husband so he will really understand where you are lastly find a group of MOm's with ADHD to talk to . Feel free to message me . I am a semi retired Nurse Practitioner
This is some incredible advice. Thank you for really breaking that down for me. As lovemypups said below- many of these options require money which is why I cannot access all of them with our current financial state. I do have a therapist who helps alot, as well as a psych. I am looking for support groups. I really want to interact with others like myself. This forum has been great already. An adhd coach and organizer is like my dream to have. If they were only free 😞. I will stay positive that one day I will be able to afford this. Thanks for opening up your *virtual* door to me! Maybe I will send message (I have terrible social anxiety too 😊 so i often dont ask for help)
Hi there- I don't have any wisdom to share as I'm newly diagnosed but wanted to comment and support. I can relate and its demoralizing. I noticed some of the suggestions (which were great suggestions) would require you to spend quite a bit of money to get that support and I know you mentioned that you were not in a great financial situation. I know that's so tough and I really feel for you. The support group sounds like it might be a great option. Best of luck, OP.
Thank you for your kind words. Even without having an answer, a different perspective never hurts to hear. The financial issue is a big reason why I am not utilizing many of the tools that benefit ADHDers. I am really hopeful to be in a better place to do so in the future. I am seeking out support groups that do zoom calls/ meetups. Most of all I wish that their were grants offered to those with mental health conditions who are financially in need.
Breathe. Smile. Relax. One thing at a time. Don't think too much. Celebrate the small victories. Don't dwell on mistakes. I highly recommended Atomic Habits by James Clear but no need to buy the book, almost all of the info is available for free on his blog. What makes you happy? Do that at least for awhile every day. Stress is a killer so before anything else I hope you are able to relax before begin with some very small and achievable goals. Today is a good day. Good luck.
Thank you for the recommendation! I will look the book up. Also, you are right about the small things. I dont ever give myself credit for those. Anxiety is a killer for me, as well as guilt for all the things i did not accomplish in a day. I seldom think about what I did accomplish because it seems so immaterial like “wow I brushed my teeth today” , it feels so elementary at times. I shouldnt be so mean to myself, but I often just am.
Hi,a baby? No wonder you can’t focus on nothing else! That’s a lot. Give yourself a break. It is overwhelming. Work now? Do you need to? If you guys can manage, stay home with your kiddo and work on breathing exercises and writing down what you think needs help and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. You are a human, not a super-human. In the old days when families had kids, the elder women came to help and teach now we are one our own but not quite. We have the internet, zoom and wonderful places like this one that can help us. Life with young child, a baby is chaotic. Will be for a while. Don’t ask too much of yourself and husband. Ask family friends for help. SLEEP!! Maybe, certainly you are sleep deprived. I’m here if you need to vent and or run thoughts by so you can figure out what you need. A big hug.
A baby is a whole lot as it is. This is true. I do try to remind myself that what I am doing as a mother is not an easy feat -even for neurotypicals. But its scary when we dont know how we are going to pay our mortgage or for groceries. My husband and I are at that point. I have to do something. I just dont know how to work while raising a child. I dont know how stay at home moms do it. I am so distracted in my house I autopilot into rituals just to get thru, just to meet my baby’s needs, just to keep the house somewhat decent. The dirt/ dust/ mold/ animal dander is unreal cause I fail at maintaining things. Also as far as help goes, we really only have my family but they are two hours away because my husbands family are cut off sadly. I dont really have alot of friends either- cause of the ADHD and i dont keep up with the few i do have. Sorry for venting on the reply! Thank you for listening
Baby steps! I find making lists help that way I gave myself some accountability. Don't overreach just give yourself three things to do each day. Prioritize to do what's most important. Exercise can be taking the baby for a walk that way you did something for both of you. If the laundry is overwhelming use a laundry service. Pick ready-made food at the deli for dinner I remember cooking being one of the hardest things when my baby was small. Eat on paper plates so there are no dishes. Make your life easier any way you can this will help your husband too. Maybe you shouldn't worry about a job right now and just be the best mom and wife you can be.
Just one more suggestion as I see you said you had trouble holding down jobs. It's just a suggestion but maybe a regular type work place is not best for you. My husband has been delivering food with Grubhub and door dash and making a decent amount of money. You can work the hours that work for you and no one to answer to except picking up and delivering the food on time. You can go out in the evenings when your husband is home and the baby is asleep. It's not a long-term career choice but it. Would help financially until you are ready to go back to the workplace.
Thank you for the response! Setting smaller goals does help me. I just have trouble with prioritizing. Many of the options you said do cost some money which we just dont have right now. Hopefully someday. I have considered working a delivery service before, even set up the account and then flopped - ADHD brain lol. I am looking into at home work mostly since I cant leave my baby with anyone.
I have some specific advice that helped me for some aspects of your life:
Things started changing for me when I started bringing structure to my life. the ADHD brain hates it, but you have to work a bit against your grain to train your mind. The more structture you bring in, the better off you'll be.
Oh holding on to a job, I think we tend to look for a perfect place to work but it doesnt exist. Once I started telling myself that instead of looking for the perfect place to work, I'd make the most out of the job I currently have, and influence people to see things my way, I started getting better at keeping my job. Also....super important for ADHD: find a job that interests or challenges you everyday, otherwise you run out of dopamine fast.
And yes, please get help. Coaches/therapists. We need someone to treat our emotions objectively and give us feedback on how to improve ourselves. Its hard to figure everything out on your own.
Firstly, thank you! This is great advice. I did not ever think about work searching in that manner. I definitely need more structure, even though as you mentioned, initiating is a serious feat. I have been working with a therapist and she just brings me back to earth. Super grateful for her. I will use your tips for sure!
Thanks for writing. I can relate in a major way and have just found this site as well.
I was diagnosed in September and am 35. My daughter is 2.5 now and I am struggling with parenting and life usual demands, it's hard. I began to suspect that there was something a bit 'off' with my wiring when my daughter was first born and I was at home with her alone. Here are some things that have been helpful for me and I have integrated over the years:
- a large whiteboard with a fortnighly grid. Every fortnight I write in all of our appointments, play dates, reminders including bin day and days to wash towels/sheets, I also write in the meals for the coming 3 nights and that helps with shopping. Mid week we have takeaway so i feel like i get a break and I try to plan for the next 3 days meals. I also have this on the wall in the kitchen in my eyeline when I sit to eat so it's constantly prompting me. Honestly I don't always follow it but its been helpful!
- I opened a second account on my bank card that is for splurge spending. We allocate a portion of our budget to any 'wants' and I put this money aside so I can have the freedom to buy what I want without feeling constrained. I also cut up my credit cards and only allow the splurge spending account. It has really helped with impulse spending. Sometimes I will transfer all the money out of my transaction account (that is linked to my bank card) and have to do an electronic transfer back into the account to pay for purchases. This help to slow me down long enough to question if I really need what I'm buying.
- I also started to follow ADHD pages on instagram. Most of the stuff is lighthearted but it's also nice to see the similarities and patterns for others and myself.
really I just want to say, I get it. I have started work again since having my daughter and I feel really conflicted that I have so much time but still struggling to 'do the things'. Its been a really big adjustment since my diagnosis and I feel like I've mostly spent the time observing myself and viewing my ways through a different lens, one of coping and masking. It's big and I'm trying not to get too overwhelmed especially as my husband has been picking up the slack whilst I've been in my funk. It's probably been the hardest time in our marriage too (we've been together 14 years) because I realise my ADHD has been masked by personality which is very action focused and work driven. He is trying to help and is but I am also passively resisting as I can do things easily sometimes and don't want to be 'managed'. Anyway, I appreciate your post and honesty and hope that some of my suggestions might help.
I knew I would forget something!- I also cook in quite large amounts and then freeze the remainder so I have a back up and there is left over for lunches. As an example: tonight I am cooking a big pot of lasagne filling, enough for tonights dinner and lunch for us all tomorrow. I then have enough left over to freeze a portion of the filling only. So next time I can't be bothered or forget I just defrost the filling and put in the oven with the lasagne sheets. It really helps. I bought a second hand slow cooker which also helps and these sorts of meals lend themselves to freezing.
- I also have trauma that I am processing and find info on nervous system regulation really helpful. They say that ADHD is essentially hyper vigilance due to trauma. The definition of trauma is actually really broad and having an understanding of this as well as small ways to ground myself that don't rely on meditation but awareness of my bodies interception is super helpful. Irene Lyon has some great free resources and youtube videos too.
Thanks a ton for the tips!!! I have a big calendar white board on the fridge and some tasking planners. I just sometimes forget to pay them any mind 😅 Everything else you mentioned, I have not tried yet. I really should cook bigger meals for leftovers. I binge eat alot so sometimes when i cook more i just eat more instead of saving it.
Its incredible how much you have done as an ADHD mama. Thank you for sharing your story. I can absolutely relate with the strain on your husband/ masking, and healing from trauma. My husbands family was insanely narcissistic. We had to actually cut his mom and sis off. It was very difficult.
I believe we may have alot of baggage from all we have experienced, but that baggage is filled with tools and wisdom. We will succeed!!
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New here looking for answers. 
New here - diagnosed at 46 and looking for people like me to speak with
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I am New here.. Well Qualified, but poor performance at work and Life.Connecting all Dots now
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